A local church's FAQ section. Very well written:
Q: Do Lutherans really believe the Bible?
A: Lutherans aren't fundamentalists, and we don't use words like "literal," "inerrant," etc. We see the Bible as the sole source of our faith, and it's where the conversation begins. We believe what the Bible says about Jesus, that he really is the son of God, and that his life, death, and resurrection mean endless love and life and peace for us. But it's not our science textbook or a book of law to burden us.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Shame and Such
There's something debilitating happening in our culture today: shame.
There's the idea that if we don't live a certain way, look a certain way, believe a certain way, that we are somehow letting someone down. It's all that keeping up with Joneses stuff. We want to give off the impression that we have it all together. We want people to believe that we're stable, healthy, and happy. And when we see the few exceptions to the rule, instead of praising them, we sigh and confess that if they'd make a little more effort to fit in, they'd be happier.
Truth: I listened to a woman talk about a man she met last week. She was telling me that he just looked disheveled and slightly threatening with longer black hair that was stringy around his face. He was antisocial and awkward. And while he was confessing how hurt he was by people's rejection of him, she was considering telling him to make a little effort to fit in. If he'd only cut his hair and make an effort to engage people in conversation, he'd do better. He'd be happier if he decided to fit in a little more.
And as I was hearing this I seething with anger. Why is the solution that this man needs to cut his hair and be less awkward? It's the shaming culture we live in. There's some inherent sense that we all need to fit into this suggested mold or stereotype in order to function in society. Blissfully, there are more accepted molds than there used to be so it makes it somewhat easier if you want to be a punk or a frat guy or a nerd or a jock. But what about the ones who never fit a mold? I wager this is actually every single one of us.
We love watching Finn on Glee be both a jock and a gleester. We love watching cop shows where the hard hitting detective is a softie with the kids. But somehow it doesn't translate into our own lives. We have a hard time accepting an artist who does not have a "real" job. We get uncomfortable with sexuality and gender, so we force labels as if it is a black or white. In reality, I'm beginning to see it is a beautiful array of gray.
And then think about Jesus. The way our religions file Jesus into a certain category or type even though all four gospels point to a person bent on not fitting into any mold. Jesus hung out with prostitutes and unclean people, the wicked tax collectors and the holier than though pharisees. Jesus ate with these people. Jesus defied the religious and societal laws that were binding the Jewish people so tightly. He tried to set them free from their beliefs about what made a person worthy. And he invited the world into that peace and acceptance.
Want to know why I'm a Christian? Because Jesus didn't fit in a box. He pounded home the messages of love and grace and accepting people where they were at and serving one another joyously. I don't think there's any message our world needs more today than that. Let go of the stereotypes. Let go of the molds. Embrace the in between. Embrace the gray. Embrace your neighbor and the stranger and your "enemy" on all sides.
Otherwise, I fear we will all be lost as we bounce between labels and molds and stereotypes that never define who we really are. We'll condemn others who do not fit just as we try to squeeze ourselves some idea of perfection and societal acceptance. When are we going to realize that not only does that idea not work, it is killing us slowly?
There's the idea that if we don't live a certain way, look a certain way, believe a certain way, that we are somehow letting someone down. It's all that keeping up with Joneses stuff. We want to give off the impression that we have it all together. We want people to believe that we're stable, healthy, and happy. And when we see the few exceptions to the rule, instead of praising them, we sigh and confess that if they'd make a little more effort to fit in, they'd be happier.
Truth: I listened to a woman talk about a man she met last week. She was telling me that he just looked disheveled and slightly threatening with longer black hair that was stringy around his face. He was antisocial and awkward. And while he was confessing how hurt he was by people's rejection of him, she was considering telling him to make a little effort to fit in. If he'd only cut his hair and make an effort to engage people in conversation, he'd do better. He'd be happier if he decided to fit in a little more.
And as I was hearing this I seething with anger. Why is the solution that this man needs to cut his hair and be less awkward? It's the shaming culture we live in. There's some inherent sense that we all need to fit into this suggested mold or stereotype in order to function in society. Blissfully, there are more accepted molds than there used to be so it makes it somewhat easier if you want to be a punk or a frat guy or a nerd or a jock. But what about the ones who never fit a mold? I wager this is actually every single one of us.
We love watching Finn on Glee be both a jock and a gleester. We love watching cop shows where the hard hitting detective is a softie with the kids. But somehow it doesn't translate into our own lives. We have a hard time accepting an artist who does not have a "real" job. We get uncomfortable with sexuality and gender, so we force labels as if it is a black or white. In reality, I'm beginning to see it is a beautiful array of gray.
And then think about Jesus. The way our religions file Jesus into a certain category or type even though all four gospels point to a person bent on not fitting into any mold. Jesus hung out with prostitutes and unclean people, the wicked tax collectors and the holier than though pharisees. Jesus ate with these people. Jesus defied the religious and societal laws that were binding the Jewish people so tightly. He tried to set them free from their beliefs about what made a person worthy. And he invited the world into that peace and acceptance.
Want to know why I'm a Christian? Because Jesus didn't fit in a box. He pounded home the messages of love and grace and accepting people where they were at and serving one another joyously. I don't think there's any message our world needs more today than that. Let go of the stereotypes. Let go of the molds. Embrace the in between. Embrace the gray. Embrace your neighbor and the stranger and your "enemy" on all sides.
Otherwise, I fear we will all be lost as we bounce between labels and molds and stereotypes that never define who we really are. We'll condemn others who do not fit just as we try to squeeze ourselves some idea of perfection and societal acceptance. When are we going to realize that not only does that idea not work, it is killing us slowly?
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Love, actually
When I left Tennessee to begin seminary, I made a Goodbye mix for friends and family. I popped my copy of this mix into my cd player this week and was struck by track one, a rather unique folk sound coming from Panic at the Disco!, cleverly named "Folkin' Around."
"If I've forgotten how to sing
Before I sung this song
I'll write it all across this wall
Before my job is done
And I'll even have the courtesy
Of admitting I was wrong
As the final words before I'm dead and gone
You've never been so divine
In accepting your defeat
And I've never been more scared to be alone
If love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep
Then I'm putting out the lantern
Find your own way back home"
And when I am re-exploring my call to ministry from the ground up, instead of trying to fit myself into being a certain kind of pastor, I'm thinking about that concept of love and what it means for me. If it's not enough, then I'm putting out the lantern and quitting ministry. Does this sound harsh? For me, it feels freeing. I'm going to do the thing I know how to do - love people. If it's not enough and I get a negative review on my evaluations or a postponed or denied approval come senior year, then I'll quit.
But this is all I know how to do. I don't know how to sing all the hymns that people believe I should. I don't know how to speak slowly enough or loudly enough so that all the elders can understand me. I don't know how to be energized around ministry when most of what I'm doing feels draining to me. I don't have a polished answer of what type of ministry I want to do. It's not what I'm doing on internship. And I'm finally at a place where I can say that.
So I'll start at the commandment to love and build a life and a ministry from there.
"If I've forgotten how to singBefore I sung this song
I'll write it all across this wall
Before my job is done
And I'll even have the courtesy
Of admitting I was wrong
As the final words before I'm dead and gone
You've never been so divine
In accepting your defeat
And I've never been more scared to be alone
If love is not enough to put my enemies to sleep
Then I'm putting out the lantern
Find your own way back home"
And when I am re-exploring my call to ministry from the ground up, instead of trying to fit myself into being a certain kind of pastor, I'm thinking about that concept of love and what it means for me. If it's not enough, then I'm putting out the lantern and quitting ministry. Does this sound harsh? For me, it feels freeing. I'm going to do the thing I know how to do - love people. If it's not enough and I get a negative review on my evaluations or a postponed or denied approval come senior year, then I'll quit.
But this is all I know how to do. I don't know how to sing all the hymns that people believe I should. I don't know how to speak slowly enough or loudly enough so that all the elders can understand me. I don't know how to be energized around ministry when most of what I'm doing feels draining to me. I don't have a polished answer of what type of ministry I want to do. It's not what I'm doing on internship. And I'm finally at a place where I can say that.
So I'll start at the commandment to love and build a life and a ministry from there.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Faith Stories - Take This Cup From Me
Matthew 26:36-46
Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane; and he said to his disciples, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." He took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be grieved and agitated. Then he said to them, "I am deeply grieved, even to death; remain here, and stay awake with me."
And going a little farther, he threw himself on the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet not what I want but what you want."
Then he came to the disciples and found them sleeping; and he said to Peter, "So, could you not stay awake with me one hour? Stay awake and pray that you may not come into the time of trial; the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."
Again he went away for the second time and prayed, "My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done." Again he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy.
So leaving them again, he went away and prayed for the third time, saying the same words.
Then he came to the disciples and said to them, "Are you still sleeping and taking your rest? See, the hour is at hand, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Get up, let us be going. See, my betrayer is at hand."
In front of the tomb where Lazarus was laid, Jesus was deeply moved and wept. He wept with Mary and Martha and the Jews who came to grieve with them. And part of me is thinking that is strange. After all, he knows that in just a few minutes, he will call Lazarus from the tomb. This is his plan. This is something he knows is going to happen. And yet, he weeps. It is by far one of the most comforting stories for me, knowing I worship a God who weeps with us in our sorrow, even if God knows great joy is on the horizon.
As we move towards Palm Sunday and into Holy Week, we remember these final days. The entry into Jerusalem, that last supper, these garden prayers, the betrayal, the cross, the grief. All the moments that happen before a joyous resurrection.
This moment in the garden is particularly beautiful because it shows us a very human Jesus. One who is pleading with God and asking if there is any way the coming events don't have to happen. Have you ever prayed prayers like this? Think about your story and find one moment when your prayers were similar. These type of prayers show up at certain places in our lives, often when a big change is happening and we know our lives will never be the same.
As we remember these final days, I wonder if we can NOT think about the resurrection just yet. I don't want to skip past the pain of these garden prayers or the betrayals or the cross. Because there is something unique in this part of the story that we rarely get to dwell on. So often the good news is the resurrection, the new life in Christ, the bliss of Easter morning.
But there is good news here, too. Good news in a God who weeps. Who is deeply moved and filled with sorrow. A God who does not try to cheer us up and tell us that good days are on the horizon but simply sits and prays and weeps. THIS is a God I can relate to.
I think about these final darker days when people say we should live a life like Jesus. What they mean, typically, is that we should have faith in God and we should love people like Jesus did. What I think of, is that being a Christian and being called to live like Christ means that some of our days will be very dark. We will be on our knees in a garden, praying that this would pass. Praying to God to make anything other than the outcome happen. Praying for a different ending or a solution that hurts less. We pray for escape of some kind from the life we are living.
Welcome to Christianity. Where we come to suffer with Christ. Where we welcome a God into the midst of our pain, not because the pain will vanish with God's arrival, but because God knows what we are going through. And not in that fake assuring way when someone says, "I know exactly what you're going through." God, on the other hand, knows and chooses to be with us in the midst of it.
There have been a few times in my life that I have prayed desperately for the cup to pass from me. The first one I recall was when I learned about my parent's divorce. I wept. I remember my grandfather's death. I remember the tearful prayers before I left for seminary. I remember my first big heartbreak. I remember a lonely Saturday evening in December struggling with loneliness here in the middle of Montana.
Often what I needed in those moments was an anchor to hold on to when I felt like my entire world was changing. My life was shifting and would never again be the same. It was uncomfortable. I was afraid. And then life moved on as it always does. Those changes are still part of me - a huge part of me. But I know a God who walks with us through the valley of death and does not skip ahead to the horizon.
Have you ever prayed a prayer like Christ did in the garden? Asked for a different solution? For relief from overwhelming sorrow? What kinds of situations have you most often prayed these prayers?
Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane; and he said to his disciples, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." He took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be grieved and agitated. Then he said to them, "I am deeply grieved, even to death; remain here, and stay awake with me."
And going a little farther, he threw himself on the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet not what I want but what you want."
Then he came to the disciples and found them sleeping; and he said to Peter, "So, could you not stay awake with me one hour? Stay awake and pray that you may not come into the time of trial; the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."
Again he went away for the second time and prayed, "My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done." Again he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy.
So leaving them again, he went away and prayed for the third time, saying the same words.
Then he came to the disciples and said to them, "Are you still sleeping and taking your rest? See, the hour is at hand, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Get up, let us be going. See, my betrayer is at hand."
In front of the tomb where Lazarus was laid, Jesus was deeply moved and wept. He wept with Mary and Martha and the Jews who came to grieve with them. And part of me is thinking that is strange. After all, he knows that in just a few minutes, he will call Lazarus from the tomb. This is his plan. This is something he knows is going to happen. And yet, he weeps. It is by far one of the most comforting stories for me, knowing I worship a God who weeps with us in our sorrow, even if God knows great joy is on the horizon.
As we move towards Palm Sunday and into Holy Week, we remember these final days. The entry into Jerusalem, that last supper, these garden prayers, the betrayal, the cross, the grief. All the moments that happen before a joyous resurrection.
This moment in the garden is particularly beautiful because it shows us a very human Jesus. One who is pleading with God and asking if there is any way the coming events don't have to happen. Have you ever prayed prayers like this? Think about your story and find one moment when your prayers were similar. These type of prayers show up at certain places in our lives, often when a big change is happening and we know our lives will never be the same.
As we remember these final days, I wonder if we can NOT think about the resurrection just yet. I don't want to skip past the pain of these garden prayers or the betrayals or the cross. Because there is something unique in this part of the story that we rarely get to dwell on. So often the good news is the resurrection, the new life in Christ, the bliss of Easter morning.
But there is good news here, too. Good news in a God who weeps. Who is deeply moved and filled with sorrow. A God who does not try to cheer us up and tell us that good days are on the horizon but simply sits and prays and weeps. THIS is a God I can relate to.
I think about these final darker days when people say we should live a life like Jesus. What they mean, typically, is that we should have faith in God and we should love people like Jesus did. What I think of, is that being a Christian and being called to live like Christ means that some of our days will be very dark. We will be on our knees in a garden, praying that this would pass. Praying to God to make anything other than the outcome happen. Praying for a different ending or a solution that hurts less. We pray for escape of some kind from the life we are living.
Welcome to Christianity. Where we come to suffer with Christ. Where we welcome a God into the midst of our pain, not because the pain will vanish with God's arrival, but because God knows what we are going through. And not in that fake assuring way when someone says, "I know exactly what you're going through." God, on the other hand, knows and chooses to be with us in the midst of it.
There have been a few times in my life that I have prayed desperately for the cup to pass from me. The first one I recall was when I learned about my parent's divorce. I wept. I remember my grandfather's death. I remember the tearful prayers before I left for seminary. I remember my first big heartbreak. I remember a lonely Saturday evening in December struggling with loneliness here in the middle of Montana.
Often what I needed in those moments was an anchor to hold on to when I felt like my entire world was changing. My life was shifting and would never again be the same. It was uncomfortable. I was afraid. And then life moved on as it always does. Those changes are still part of me - a huge part of me. But I know a God who walks with us through the valley of death and does not skip ahead to the horizon.
Have you ever prayed a prayer like Christ did in the garden? Asked for a different solution? For relief from overwhelming sorrow? What kinds of situations have you most often prayed these prayers?
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Good and Evil
And speaking of black and white thinking... I bring you Ecclesiastes 7.
I have seen good people die in spite of their goodness
and evil people live a long time in spite of their evil.
16 Don't be too right,
and don't be too wise.
Why destroy yourself?
17 Don't be too wicked,
and don't be foolish.
Why die before your time?
18 It is good to grab the one and not let go of the other;
those who honor God will hold them both.
It Is Impossible to Be Truly Good
15 In my useless life I have seen both of these:I have seen good people die in spite of their goodness
and evil people live a long time in spite of their evil.
16 Don't be too right,
and don't be too wise.
Why destroy yourself?
17 Don't be too wicked,
and don't be foolish.
Why die before your time?
18 It is good to grab the one and not let go of the other;
those who honor God will hold them both.
New Thing I Love
I gave up drinking massive amounts of soda (soda pop, pop, coke, sodee) a long time ago. Too much sugar. Bad for the body. Do we know how terrible high fructose corn syrup is? The worst. Addictive, too.
And don't tell me to drink that diet crap, either. Fake sugar tastes like hell and is made of chemicals that could very well be just as terrible on our bodies as the other kind of sugar. I vote real sugar over fake sugar.
Despite all this, I do occasionally enjoy a nice fizzy fountain beverage. Pop's fun and delicious. I love cherry flavored brown soda and root beer the most.
Then last year when I was in Mexico, I swore off Coca-Cola because I believe they have shitty business practices that screw people over. And yes, I have also experienced the kind ways they donate to local businesses and their generosity on this side of the Mexican border - doesn't make up for consuming the limited clean water supply in Mexico and amping up the caffeine and sugar when distributing to the Mexican people who by heritage are already prone to diabetes!!
So my consumption of pop dropped dramatically.
But occasionally, I find little things that bring me great joy. One of them is Thomas Kemper Sodas. I asked for a root beer last Friday at a restuarant here in town and they brought be a bottle of Thomas Kemper Root Beer. I fell in love. In the first place, it is made from cane sugar and honey! Secondly, it is "locally" made in Oregon. And to boot, it's damn delicious.
I'm not sure if any of you in TN can get Thomas Kemper beverages there though there's a link on their site to find it (here). But they make delicious Ginger Ale, Vanilla Creme, Root Beer, and Orange Cream sodas. :D I'm on a hunt for that Black Cherry....
If you come visit me in Billings, I'll share. ;)
And don't tell me to drink that diet crap, either. Fake sugar tastes like hell and is made of chemicals that could very well be just as terrible on our bodies as the other kind of sugar. I vote real sugar over fake sugar.
Then last year when I was in Mexico, I swore off Coca-Cola because I believe they have shitty business practices that screw people over. And yes, I have also experienced the kind ways they donate to local businesses and their generosity on this side of the Mexican border - doesn't make up for consuming the limited clean water supply in Mexico and amping up the caffeine and sugar when distributing to the Mexican people who by heritage are already prone to diabetes!!
So my consumption of pop dropped dramatically.
I'm not sure if any of you in TN can get Thomas Kemper beverages there though there's a link on their site to find it (here). But they make delicious Ginger Ale, Vanilla Creme, Root Beer, and Orange Cream sodas. :D I'm on a hunt for that Black Cherry....
If you come visit me in Billings, I'll share. ;)
Things I love - USAA!
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Blinking
"65 years... don't they go by in a blink."
-Bill Parish, Meet Joe Black
Last year Easter was the day after my birthday and my heart wasa little broken. But I had a little party @ Free B's and got my xbox and got to see some family members, namely my mom who was in town for Easter and my birthday. The year before that I was thrown a surprise party in TN in which I got to see many friends and family, bowl, wear a birthday crown with star sunglasses and a feather boa, eat yummy food, and bask in the love of my friends.
The year before that... was that the year I got my first tattoo? Yes, my 23rd. See how my mind is going adrift even a few years into my past? People kept asking me this morning how old I was today. When I replied 26, they mostly laughed and said I was so young.
And I see the future stretch out before me, unknown but so incredibly full of possibilities. Some days it is scary. Some days it is the only thing that makes me stop panicking - knowing I have time. That's not to say I will waste my days, but I've got time enough to do the things God has called me to do. Time enough to figure out who I am (a question I don't think we are ever done answering, even at 87) and where God will lead me (I just mistyped God as TOE - beautiful.)
Thanks for the memories, friends. ;)
-Bill Parish, Meet Joe Black
Last year Easter was the day after my birthday and my heart was
The year before that... was that the year I got my first tattoo? Yes, my 23rd. See how my mind is going adrift even a few years into my past? People kept asking me this morning how old I was today. When I replied 26, they mostly laughed and said I was so young.
And I see the future stretch out before me, unknown but so incredibly full of possibilities. Some days it is scary. Some days it is the only thing that makes me stop panicking - knowing I have time. That's not to say I will waste my days, but I've got time enough to do the things God has called me to do. Time enough to figure out who I am (a question I don't think we are ever done answering, even at 87) and where God will lead me (I just mistyped God as TOE - beautiful.)
Thanks for the memories, friends. ;)
Saturday, April 02, 2011
The Shame Spiral - Take Two
Okay, I've been processing and attempting to step out of the spiral. My other supervisor's question about it is around that whole "DO vs. BE" thing I've been struggling with (on internship and throughout my entire life). His phrasing: "Performance vs. Service."
For more explanation: if my motivation is service, I can fail at performance and think, "Oh well. I tried." Whereas, if performing well was the goal, and I didn't do a task well, I've failed completely.
So, re: the shame spiral (about depression being apparent), we know what the performance side of me is thinking - failure!!! What does the servant side say?
I believe it would say something about connecting with people who are also struggling with depression. Using the things I am struggling with to then engage the world. To present myself and say that I am a work in progress just as they are (whatever their age).
The servant side might say something about grace. God's grace. Other's grace for me (as is abundantly evident by your comments on the former post about this). And something about having a little grace for myself. As Nikki said, I take myself too seriously.
So for now, I'm going to work on being unabashedly, unashamedly, unapologetically ME. Here's goes nothing.
For more explanation: if my motivation is service, I can fail at performance and think, "Oh well. I tried." Whereas, if performing well was the goal, and I didn't do a task well, I've failed completely.
So, re: the shame spiral (about depression being apparent), we know what the performance side of me is thinking - failure!!! What does the servant side say?
I believe it would say something about connecting with people who are also struggling with depression. Using the things I am struggling with to then engage the world. To present myself and say that I am a work in progress just as they are (whatever their age).
The servant side might say something about grace. God's grace. Other's grace for me (as is abundantly evident by your comments on the former post about this). And something about having a little grace for myself. As Nikki said, I take myself too seriously.
So for now, I'm going to work on being unabashedly, unashamedly, unapologetically ME. Here's goes nothing.
Friday, April 01, 2011
Mayday! Mayday! Shame Spiral Occuring!
I asked one of my supervisors about a question on my mid-year evaluation. About ministering in the wilderness. On the evaluation, they both asked me to explore my call and the question of whether or not I was called into the wilderness. From what I gather from his answer, I've been dwelling too much on missing people and it seems to be a looming (or present) pitfall to my ministry.
So of course as I start to process this, I think, well SHIT. My missing people has played an adverse affect on my ministry! So I'm feeling ashamed that it is so apparent and wondering what is WRONG with me (shame words) that I can't simply be present here and learn ministry here and establish relationships here. I feel ashamed that I am not doing better and I wonder if they regret having me as their intern.
My brain goes in two directions:
The first is denial and some anger: Of COURSE I'm missing my people. I'm in Montana! I'm alone on internship trying to learn how to do ministry! Of course I'm lonely! Of course that is going to be apparent as I work on figuring myself out. To presume otherwise would be just as large an issue.
The second is curiosity: I can choose to see this as an opportunity for growth and understanding. Because this isn't the first time I've heard this. My CPE supervisor two summers ago said the same thing about my missing people. He thought it was not the general, "I miss you" that all people experience but something more. So I say thanks for the insight and take it to my therapist and spiritual director.
Shame is such a nasty thing. Doubting who we are at the very core of who we are. Not just guilt. Shame. Being ashamed that I struggle with depression. Being ashamed that I shared these struggles with being alone. Being ashamed in feeling like I have let people down, not only my supervisors, but my congregations of people I am ministering to. Perhaps even feeling like I let down the seminary, my home church, the ELCA...
Send prayer. I'm on the shame spiral.
So of course as I start to process this, I think, well SHIT. My missing people has played an adverse affect on my ministry! So I'm feeling ashamed that it is so apparent and wondering what is WRONG with me (shame words) that I can't simply be present here and learn ministry here and establish relationships here. I feel ashamed that I am not doing better and I wonder if they regret having me as their intern.
My brain goes in two directions:
The first is denial and some anger: Of COURSE I'm missing my people. I'm in Montana! I'm alone on internship trying to learn how to do ministry! Of course I'm lonely! Of course that is going to be apparent as I work on figuring myself out. To presume otherwise would be just as large an issue.
The second is curiosity: I can choose to see this as an opportunity for growth and understanding. Because this isn't the first time I've heard this. My CPE supervisor two summers ago said the same thing about my missing people. He thought it was not the general, "I miss you" that all people experience but something more. So I say thanks for the insight and take it to my therapist and spiritual director.Shame is such a nasty thing. Doubting who we are at the very core of who we are. Not just guilt. Shame. Being ashamed that I struggle with depression. Being ashamed that I shared these struggles with being alone. Being ashamed in feeling like I have let people down, not only my supervisors, but my congregations of people I am ministering to. Perhaps even feeling like I let down the seminary, my home church, the ELCA...
Send prayer. I'm on the shame spiral.
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