I'm Not Gonna Make It

One of the best parts about my CPE experience is the array of conversations I get to have around American culture and the English language with our two international students. One of them was asking me the other day what the phrase, "I'm gonna make it" means. I laughed. Of course this would not make sense to a new English speaker.

First of all, you have to mentally break apart those first words into I AM GOING TO but then to decide how you MAKE IT. Make what? Why are you making something. So then it turned into a conversation about survival and exaggeration. I tried to explain that although it means survival in the hospital (this patient is going to make it vs. he's not going to make it), we Americans like to exaggerate... a lot. So when the clock says 4:28pm and you are leaving work at 5, you may roll your eyes, lay your head on your desk and sigh, "I'm not gonna make it."

It was then that the international student started laughing and nodding. THIS was how he heard it used - not the other way (despite our being in a hospital!). Oh, America. THIS is what we are teaching other countries about us!

But that got me thinking how much we sap the importance out of certain phrases. Think for instance on the terrifying phrase "I'm gonna kill you" and how we playfully use it when someone mislaunders our favorite blouse or tickles us two seconds too many. We don't mean kill just like we don't really wonder if we are going to survive until 5.

I just called my grandma to wish her a happy birthday and she said that when she was born she was just over 3 pounds. "They didn't think I was gonna make it... but I did!" She turned 81 today. She "made it" for sure. But how odd to pull that into comparison with all the things I've seen in the hospital this summer. Those patients who didn't make it. Despite prayers and wishful thinking and the work of the doctors and nurses, they died. And in one case in particular, how a doctor was telling a patient's family that he was going to make it when they thought all hope was lost. I'm happy that he's around. He made it.

Funny choice of word though, "make" (or "made") is. You aren't really making anything.... are you?

Let's Merriam-Webster it:
MAKE
: to cause to exist, occur, or appear : create (make a disturbance)
: to bring into being by forming, shaping, or altering material : fashion (make a dress)
: reach, attain (made port before the storm) —often used with it
-make it
: to be successful (trying to make it in the big time as a fashion photographer)
: survive, live (half the cubs won't make it through their first year)

Interesting. I had even forgotten about the making it big time version of making it. Oh well. I wonder if there is some kind of life analogy (you know I am always wondering that) about our making it being completely out of our hands. In other words, if we are talking about making it through something, our goal is survival but ultimately it is out of our hands.

Frankly, I'm just giving thanks that 81 years ago my grandma did MAKE IT so that I could be alive today. Thanks gram... er, thanks God?

This sucks

I'd really rather not deal with it. It hurts too much. Feels too close. Hits too hard.

Deal with what, you ask? How I relate to other people seems to be performance based. I put on a show so you'll like me. So I'm coming here... where I still seem to be performing some show but where I've managed also to share a good bit of my heart as honestly as I can.

I think it all has to come down to the fact that I'm scared to death I won't be liked... or loved. That if I stop being a Susie Sunshine, quick with a joke or a quote or the latest headline, that somehow you will all decide that I'm not worth being around. So my goal in patient care is to cheer people up. Crack a joke. Make them smile.

This doesn't work. It fails pretty much every time. And here I am, being reminded that it isn't about me - - it's about the patients. I can't go in and put on a performance for them. But it doesn't change the fact that I want them to like me. I want to be an amazing chaplain. The problem? I can't be an amazing chaplain.... unless I deal with my shit and get through this and learn how to connect to people on a real level and stop worrying if I'll do well, be liked, be accepted....

I'd really rather not deal with it. It hurts too much. Feels too close. Hits too hard.

On Reaching the Half Way Point - Entry #2

Okay mid-unit evaluations.... bring em on! This week marks the half way point. I know I said in my last entry that I was going to vague and just leave you with a quote... but in fact there is really so much to say. I started reading back in some of my old blog entries. By old, I mean when CPE started (what we refer to as 5 years ago here). My fear of the unknown and my anxiety about being on call... wow. It all sounds familiar and I can touch the memory of it within me, but it also seems far away. Distant. I guess that's a good thing. As for that unknown behind every door: every single patient I meet is a child of God. What am I afraid of?

And can I just say as a side note - the sunset right now is beyond gorgeous. I have found that the weather after a good rain storm is so beautiful that I tend to love the rain that brought it. Oh my - even that sounds like it was supposed to carry some deep message. While I'm sure it can be an analogy for life and life's difficulties... I really have found that a good rain storm one day means breathtaking weather the next. That or you just have a week's worth of rain.... I digress.

So CPE is going well. I had to stop and let myself learn. I had to accept that I had no idea how to do this (shocking) and that I was surrounded by people who could teach me (thank you Jesus) if only I would let them and let myself (stubbornness comes naturally to me - I'm a redhead). So I did let myself let them and now I'm learning. I'm learning a lot, too. Some of it I am tucking away for a later time. Most of it I'm being forced to use right away. That's what is so amazing about CPE. It isn't some classroom on some campus in a little bubble of safety and intellect. I learn in a small classroom tucked away in a corner of a hospital - then I go visit with patients. I respond to a crisis and I have to use what I've learned in class (often from the same day if only because it is fresh on my mind).

So as for the quote - - it's true. I knew that there was some work that needed to be done. But then God started throwing out a wing here and putting in a courtyard over there. I'm not gonna lie, it still hurts. I'm just trusting more. It helps it not hurt so much in the long run.

Upon Reaching the Half Way Point

Instead of telling you outright how I'm doing, I thought I'd be vague and just leave you a quote. :)

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right, and stopping the leaks in the roof, and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably, and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to?

The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of– throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

-C. S. Lewis

Verbatim - My Pastoral Visit with the World

Well, hello world. My name is 1L and I'm a Chaplain Intern. I just wanted to stop in a for a minute and meet you. Is now an okay time to visit? Great. Let me just pull up this chair here. So, what brings you here today? How does that make you feel? It sounds like this is all a bit overwhelming. Well, can I offer to say a prayer with you? What can I pray about? Okay, I can do that. But let's change it up and only pray about me, this time. Okay? Pray with me...

God of hope and healing, I am nearly drowning in emotion in this hospital land of sick, suffering, and new found joy. I float along medical terminology that barely speaks to the problems that real people are experiencing as aches or pains in their bodies. I want to separate the body from the soul and make it easier to talk to someone about their dying body and death. I want to be rewarded with the dark mysteries of someone else's soul without divulging my own. I want it to be easier.

God of blessings and light, thank you for surrounding me with such a magical cast of beautiful creatures. I am nearly drowning in deep thinking, insightful wisdom, questioning answers, and motivating tension. I float along words and quotes and prayers and thoughts that hum their way into my ears through the hospital air. I want to witness a miracle but I'd like to do so from the quiet and safety of my workspace corner. I want to learn how to live a life that honors human dignity and values stillness and silence in the midst of the chaos of living day to day. I want to know how to do it all right now.

Be with me. Restore me. Stay with me forever. Amen...

Okay world, thanks for praying with me. If you are around tomorrow, can I stop by and see you again? Great. And... I know waiting can be difficult. That's the hardest part of being here, I think. You'll be home soon enough. Just let the people here take care of you. They know what they're doing. Well anyway, have a good rest of the day.