My 200th Post!!

It is fitting that my 200th post is also written on the day that I finished CPE. Cause for celebration and marking time passed...

I wanted to share a bit of our goodbye process today. To close, we went around and said, in one word, what we hoped most for each other. What did they hope for me?

Happiness.

Love.

Self.

A-place-by-a-babbling-brook. (This was my supervisor so he could break the rules.)

In other words, they got me. They pegged me completely. Today (and throughout the internship), I had small mirrors held up for me that presented a completely accurate picture of me - not only what I presented on the outside but all the way down to my fears, hopes, beliefs, and passions. It was a remarkable experience to be seen for who you really are - the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful in between.

Secret of Life

"The Secret of Life" by Faith Hill

Couple of guys sittin around drinkin
Down at the starlight bar
One of em says, you know Ive been thinking
Other one says, that wont get you too far
He says, this is your life, and welcome to it
Its just workin and drinkin and dreams
Ad on tv says just do it
Hell if I know what that means

The secret of life is a good cup of coffee
The secret of life is keep your eye on the ball
The secret of life is a beautiful woman
And marilyn stares down from the barroom wall

You and me, were just a couple of zeros
Just a couple of down-and-outs
But movie stars and football heroes
What have they got to be unhappy about?
So they turn to the bartender, sam, what do you think?
Whats the key that unlocks that door?
Sam dont say nothin, just wipes off the bar
And he pours them a couple more

cause the secret of life is in sams martinis
The secret of life is in marilyns eyes
The secret of life is in monday night football
Rolling stones records and moms apple pie

Sam looks up from his sunday paper
Says, boys, youre on the wrong track
The secret of life is there aint no secret
And you dont get your money back
Hey

The secret of life is gettin up early
The secret of life is stayin up late
The secret of life is try not to hurry
But dont wait
Dont wait

The secret of life is a good cup of coffee
The secret of life is keep your eye on the ball
The secret of life is to find the right woman
The secret of life is nothin at all
Oh, its nothin at all
The secret of life

Couple of guys sittin around drinkin
Down at the starlight bar
One of em says, you know Ive been thinking
Other one says, that wont get you too far
That wont get you too far

Just read a fascinating reflection on the Sodom and Gomorrah story. Worth a read.

"Anyone who reads this passage with an ounce of intelligence or imagination can see that this is absolutely not a condemnation of homosexuality as we understand it."

http://normalsusan.blogspot.com/2009/08/sunday-august-2-2009.html

Question and Answers

Much of what this first year of seminary education (including CPE) has taught me is that there is a lot in me that has yet to be nailed down. I do not have a definitive stance on a good number of theological issues. When I said in a prayer the other day about a patient's soldier friend, "Don't take this one away" - I got asked about the theology behind it. I didn't have an answer.

So I've been asking myself more questions. Just what do I feel about death? The power of prayer? The idea of God's grace? Embodiment? Homosexuality? End of life issues?

It has all landed on my plate. Not everything is demanding a decision. Part of the blessing of this past year is the bliss of the color gray. I'm learning how very little in life is black or white. Much of it is in between. I see this as just a bit of the beauty of humanity and the blessing of diversity.

I've also had the chance to discover where I'm falling down on some of those issues. What do I do when faced with a dead body in a room where 20 people are grieving that death? Where one is grieving? None? How do I feel about doctors and DNR orders? How many times in one day can you ask, "What if this were me in their shoes?" and not go crazy?

Needless to say, it has been a year of questioning myself right down to the heart and soul of me. This summer has been an opportunity to ask those questions and play with the different answers. The unique stage of CPE gives me a chance to see how different answers sit with me and how others sit with their answers. I've had a chance to decide what exactly I believe in a space that welcomes the questions and the varied answers that come with them. God bless the people in this program and my seminary for questioning my answers.... but still allowing me to be me. (And God bless those of you back home who have loved me for years regardless of what my answers are.)

As for those questions, or more specifically, for my answers, I'm sure you'll be reading about them soon enough. I'm ready to write.