I'm sorry I've been away so long...
Moving and traveling has taken up a good bit of my time. Before that it was exams and papers. And packing. Ha.
Been processing a lot. Having some fun. Getting a tattoo (my 2nd) with my sibling. Taking in the Tennessee landscape and breathing in gulps of honeysuckle tainted air. Yum.
I'll be back blogging in a bit. I promise. ;)
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Revelations of Loving Myself
So I'm not sure what it was about last night. Whether it was the conversation of the night... or the wee hours that I found myself still awake in... or three days of sickness that have made me home bound... or moving tomorrow to my very first place all on my own... but I had a revelation.
It might not go so well into words, but I'll at least relay the content as best I can. I finally figured out what loving myself looks like. This very real picture of humility that is about embracing both the celebration of self and the struggle for a better you. You are who you are exactly as you are right at this moment. And guess what? You were you 10 years ago. I gathered up my memories about me; the good and the bad. They were part of me. Those betrayals of friendship in high school and colleger are just as much a part of me as the first guy who ever held my hand and the way my grandmother rubs my hand with her thumb whenever she holds it. They are all things in my life that happened to this body. My body. Me.
It will sound cheesy to say that it just sort of came together. I realized I've got me the rest of my life. I've got so much time to grow and figure things out that it is almost laughable. I'm a bit of an old soul. A serious person. But in truth, I have a lot of quirks. I'm a bit crazy. A little random. A bit messy but ridiculously organized and meticulous in a lot of things. I have beautiful red hair that I usually tie up out of my face and grayish blue eyes like my mama that sparkle when they are next to hers. I've got my parents' passion for people, their intelligence, and some odd form of their combined humors. I have an amazing brother who is ridiculously smart and sarcastic and who for some reason loves me as much as I love him.
Me? I'm a procrastinator. I've got a little extra love on my fabulous frame. I enjoy my sleep. But God made in me a heart that is big enough to do ministry. When I love, I love big. When I hope, I hope big. I fall in love fast and make friends slower but they tend to stick around. I'm not the best about answering my phone or returning phone calls. I do much better with one on one time.
I am all these things. For better or worse, if you come to love me, you will love these things. More importantly, I have finally come to love these things. It's a pretty incredible feeling. I have plenty of time to grow and figure out life. Today is where I'm at today. How are you doing?
(As for the flu, I'm getting better! Sasha brought me jello today. Hooray!)
It might not go so well into words, but I'll at least relay the content as best I can. I finally figured out what loving myself looks like. This very real picture of humility that is about embracing both the celebration of self and the struggle for a better you. You are who you are exactly as you are right at this moment. And guess what? You were you 10 years ago. I gathered up my memories about me; the good and the bad. They were part of me. Those betrayals of friendship in high school and colleger are just as much a part of me as the first guy who ever held my hand and the way my grandmother rubs my hand with her thumb whenever she holds it. They are all things in my life that happened to this body. My body. Me.
It will sound cheesy to say that it just sort of came together. I realized I've got me the rest of my life. I've got so much time to grow and figure things out that it is almost laughable. I'm a bit of an old soul. A serious person. But in truth, I have a lot of quirks. I'm a bit crazy. A little random. A bit messy but ridiculously organized and meticulous in a lot of things. I have beautiful red hair that I usually tie up out of my face and grayish blue eyes like my mama that sparkle when they are next to hers. I've got my parents' passion for people, their intelligence, and some odd form of their combined humors. I have an amazing brother who is ridiculously smart and sarcastic and who for some reason loves me as much as I love him.
Me? I'm a procrastinator. I've got a little extra love on my fabulous frame. I enjoy my sleep. But God made in me a heart that is big enough to do ministry. When I love, I love big. When I hope, I hope big. I fall in love fast and make friends slower but they tend to stick around. I'm not the best about answering my phone or returning phone calls. I do much better with one on one time.
I am all these things. For better or worse, if you come to love me, you will love these things. More importantly, I have finally come to love these things. It's a pretty incredible feeling. I have plenty of time to grow and figure out life. Today is where I'm at today. How are you doing?
(As for the flu, I'm getting better! Sasha brought me jello today. Hooray!)
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Inspiration
Well I couldn't sleep just yet. I tried. No luck. I just kept making up sermons in my head. One for my MIC site. One for my church back home. Messages about love and what home looks like.
But I couldn't sleep, so I got up and stumbled upon Brian Andreas' blog. He's the man behind StoryPeople. If you don't know StoryPeople, you should. But it wouldn't make his blog entry any less spectacular if you didn't know who he was. Just keep in mind that the beauty of his stories reflect the random beauty of life. He calls it into focus and it is sometimes quite profound. For instance, read this blurb from the blog...
We often forget that life is quite simple. We play, we talk, we sing & dance & make love. We fill the world with our stories & everything we touch with love comes alive. Everything we touch with love becomes a piece of our home.
(Read the whole blog here.)
Yeah, he's got a way with words. Here are some of my favorite StoryPeople stories (these are all one line long - the link takes you to the title on the StoryPeople site where you can "Add to [your] Favorites"):
"After all those years, she was nothing like I remembered, but my heart leaped across the gap anyway without a moment's hesitation." (link)
"connected by a silver cord that hums with sadness the further it is stretched" (link)
" You may not remember the time you let me go first. Or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn't that far to go. Or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up. You may not remember any of those, but I do & this is what I have to say to you: today, no matter what it takes, we ride home together." (link)
"Of course I want to save the world, she said, but I was hoping to do it from the comfort of my regular life." (link)
"As long as the sun shall rise goes the old lovers vow. But we are children of a scientific age & have no time for poetry. Still, I offer a quiet prayer of thanks for the sunlight each time I see your face." (link)
But I couldn't sleep, so I got up and stumbled upon Brian Andreas' blog. He's the man behind StoryPeople. If you don't know StoryPeople, you should. But it wouldn't make his blog entry any less spectacular if you didn't know who he was. Just keep in mind that the beauty of his stories reflect the random beauty of life. He calls it into focus and it is sometimes quite profound. For instance, read this blurb from the blog...
We often forget that life is quite simple. We play, we talk, we sing & dance & make love. We fill the world with our stories & everything we touch with love comes alive. Everything we touch with love becomes a piece of our home.
(Read the whole blog here.)
Yeah, he's got a way with words. Here are some of my favorite StoryPeople stories (these are all one line long - the link takes you to the title on the StoryPeople site where you can "Add to [your] Favorites"):
"After all those years, she was nothing like I remembered, but my heart leaped across the gap anyway without a moment's hesitation." (link)
"connected by a silver cord that hums with sadness the further it is stretched" (link)
" You may not remember the time you let me go first. Or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn't that far to go. Or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up. You may not remember any of those, but I do & this is what I have to say to you: today, no matter what it takes, we ride home together." (link)
"Of course I want to save the world, she said, but I was hoping to do it from the comfort of my regular life." (link)
"As long as the sun shall rise goes the old lovers vow. But we are children of a scientific age & have no time for poetry. Still, I offer a quiet prayer of thanks for the sunlight each time I see your face." (link)
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
The Grace of Sickness
So Monday, very early in the morning, I woke up freezing. This wasn't that cold feeling when the air outside your bed is cold (for instance, if you have ever lived in a dungeon...), but the kind that only comes from a fever. Oh joy, says I - hope it isn't swine flu...
Correction: H1N1 virus. I apologize. I hope I don't have it all the same. Then again, I rarely go to the doctor so I don't know how I would find out anyway. Haha. Anyway, you don't need my sick stories and the commentary about how much it sucks to have to take care of yourself when you are sick, so I won't talk about that. ;)
Instead, I'll talk about my thoughts over this enforced 2 day break from work. Yesterday I was determined to work through it. I would just read in bed if I couldn't hold my head up, right? I'd finish that paper! That one, too! I'd go to my class!
I didn't. I couldn't. So I slept. I wrote emails to my professors begging for grace, secretly terrified they'd think it was some evil ploy to get out of writing the paper. Note to self: should you ever become a professor, operate by grace, not by law.
They were all incredibly gracious. That paper hanging over my head is now due Thursday or Friday. I've missed 3 of my last 4 classes so far of my 1st year in seminary and I'm sad about it. Partially, I think, it has to do with closure. You get to see these people one last time. Savor the last few moments. Savor the finish of the semester (because we all know that even when it was good, it was exhausting). I'm hoping I will feel better in time for tomorrow night's last Worship class.
With this stage of forced rest and negative-2 productivity, I've been thinking a lot about my own motivation or lack thereof. Why is it that I'm still not eating as healthy as I should, still not doing daily devotions or simply reading from the bible, still not flossing, still not getting things done? The result is missed deadlines, extra poundage on my fabulous frame, laundry overflowing from my hamper, and frustration that I'm not living up to my "full potential." I hate that phrase. Like anyone ever does?!
I think I've been using up a lot of grace, though. (Not that it can ever be used up, but hear me out.) I think I've been relying on grace to get me through each day for so long that I've become lazy in my response to that wonderful gift. One of my profs said the other day to the class, "What is your response to grace?" Of course we all talked about it not being about what WE did because that would be too focused on works (i.e. SO not Lutheran). Again, he asked, "Yes, but, what I'm asking is, God gives this grace... What do you do? How do you respond?"
We were pretty quiet. Well, not really. We talked around the issue for a bit. Got frustrated with one another. That sort of thing. No good response came of it.
Then the next weekend I went with my TN friends to their church Sunday morning. We were talking about this author, Jerry Bridges, so I was looking at his books in their book store. After wanting 3 different ones in a row, I knew I'd found it when I came across "The Discipline of Grace." I'm pretty excited to read it. I know it certainly isn't Lutheran but I may need its message all the more because of that. His subtitle is "God's Role and Our Role in the Pursuit of Holiness." It sounds lovely, actually. As a matter of fact, I may pick it up now and read a bit.
I'll let you know how it goes... and life. ;) Thanks for reading.
~1L
Correction: H1N1 virus. I apologize. I hope I don't have it all the same. Then again, I rarely go to the doctor so I don't know how I would find out anyway. Haha. Anyway, you don't need my sick stories and the commentary about how much it sucks to have to take care of yourself when you are sick, so I won't talk about that. ;)
Instead, I'll talk about my thoughts over this enforced 2 day break from work. Yesterday I was determined to work through it. I would just read in bed if I couldn't hold my head up, right? I'd finish that paper! That one, too! I'd go to my class!
I didn't. I couldn't. So I slept. I wrote emails to my professors begging for grace, secretly terrified they'd think it was some evil ploy to get out of writing the paper. Note to self: should you ever become a professor, operate by grace, not by law.
They were all incredibly gracious. That paper hanging over my head is now due Thursday or Friday. I've missed 3 of my last 4 classes so far of my 1st year in seminary and I'm sad about it. Partially, I think, it has to do with closure. You get to see these people one last time. Savor the last few moments. Savor the finish of the semester (because we all know that even when it was good, it was exhausting). I'm hoping I will feel better in time for tomorrow night's last Worship class.
With this stage of forced rest and negative-2 productivity, I've been thinking a lot about my own motivation or lack thereof. Why is it that I'm still not eating as healthy as I should, still not doing daily devotions or simply reading from the bible, still not flossing, still not getting things done? The result is missed deadlines, extra poundage on my fabulous frame, laundry overflowing from my hamper, and frustration that I'm not living up to my "full potential." I hate that phrase. Like anyone ever does?!
I think I've been using up a lot of grace, though. (Not that it can ever be used up, but hear me out.) I think I've been relying on grace to get me through each day for so long that I've become lazy in my response to that wonderful gift. One of my profs said the other day to the class, "What is your response to grace?" Of course we all talked about it not being about what WE did because that would be too focused on works (i.e. SO not Lutheran). Again, he asked, "Yes, but, what I'm asking is, God gives this grace... What do you do? How do you respond?"
We were pretty quiet. Well, not really. We talked around the issue for a bit. Got frustrated with one another. That sort of thing. No good response came of it.
Then the next weekend I went with my TN friends to their church Sunday morning. We were talking about this author, Jerry Bridges, so I was looking at his books in their book store. After wanting 3 different ones in a row, I knew I'd found it when I came across "The Discipline of Grace." I'm pretty excited to read it. I know it certainly isn't Lutheran but I may need its message all the more because of that. His subtitle is "God's Role and Our Role in the Pursuit of Holiness." It sounds lovely, actually. As a matter of fact, I may pick it up now and read a bit.
I'll let you know how it goes... and life. ;) Thanks for reading.
~1L
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