So of course as I start to process this, I think, well SHIT. My missing people has played an adverse affect on my ministry! So I'm feeling ashamed that it is so apparent and wondering what is WRONG with me (shame words) that I can't simply be present here and learn ministry here and establish relationships here. I feel ashamed that I am not doing better and I wonder if they regret having me as their intern.
My brain goes in two directions:
The first is denial and some anger: Of COURSE I'm missing my people. I'm in Montana! I'm alone on internship trying to learn how to do ministry! Of course I'm lonely! Of course that is going to be apparent as I work on figuring myself out. To presume otherwise would be just as large an issue.
The second is curiosity: I can choose to see this as an opportunity for growth and understanding. Because this isn't the first time I've heard this. My CPE supervisor two summers ago said the same thing about my missing people. He thought it was not the general, "I miss you" that all people experience but something more. So I say thanks for the insight and take it to my therapist and spiritual director.Shame is such a nasty thing. Doubting who we are at the very core of who we are. Not just guilt. Shame. Being ashamed that I struggle with depression. Being ashamed that I shared these struggles with being alone. Being ashamed in feeling like I have let people down, not only my supervisors, but my congregations of people I am ministering to. Perhaps even feeling like I let down the seminary, my home church, the ELCA...
Send prayer. I'm on the shame spiral.
4 comments:
As I've been wondering about who I would let down if I did NOT go through with Ordination, I've come to the question of how would I let God down if I did or did not finish this process. Silly me, forgetting that Jesus has made it not possible to let God down.
Be gentle with yourself, sister. Sin boldly and trust God's grace more boldly still. Keep asking God for help and know that you are not loved any less for being human. Rest in God's care which alone is constant and eternally true, and may you find God finding you in the midst of this wilderness.
oh friend i'm so sorry you're going through this wilderness...both literally being out in Montana, and the wilderness of questioning, scrutiny and feelings of shame. i will certainly hold you in prayer.
and while i'd never encourage you to dismiss the advice of therapists, advisors and supervisors...it's also good to remember that they are also just people. they don't know everything about you and their judgments won't always be exactly correct. having now had 4 internship supervisors (yeah) i can tell you that I learned and grew in SO SO Many ways but that there were also times of pain in that growth, of doubt and questioning, AND that i realized that sometimes...my supervisors were wrong.
anyhow, i know you will see your way clear...and remember that God is in the wilderness as well (Hagar!) and is able to do God's works in you...wherever you are!
Yes, to what the other comments said.. plus as I have said before.. We are made for connection!!!! I will not demonize your wanting your people, or missing family. I don't want to allow you to see that as a sign of weakness. We get up every day and do the best that we can, based on what we know up to that day. I have NO doubt about your want- to- ness in terms of showing up for this ministry.
love,
MOM
1L- I think that sometimes you take things too much to heart, like this comment.
If you were in Montana for more than a year, your perspective on missing people and on focus on relationships there would be totally different, as it will be when you go to your calling, your next home after Montana, after Chicago.
One thing I really love about you is how we randomly chat or text each other just to say hi because we miss each other. That's not to say I'm less committed to other relationships here because this is my home, I'm committed and invested. It means that I'm also committed to and invested in you! The same is true for you, except you have the expectation of moving a few times in the foreseeable future, and I don't see that for me.
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