The Grace of Sickness

So Monday, very early in the morning, I woke up freezing. This wasn't that cold feeling when the air outside your bed is cold (for instance, if you have ever lived in a dungeon...), but the kind that only comes from a fever. Oh joy, says I - hope it isn't swine flu...

Correction: H1N1 virus. I apologize. I hope I don't have it all the same. Then again, I rarely go to the doctor so I don't know how I would find out anyway. Haha. Anyway, you don't need my sick stories and the commentary about how much it sucks to have to take care of yourself when you are sick, so I won't talk about that. ;)

Instead, I'll talk about my thoughts over this enforced 2 day break from work. Yesterday I was determined to work through it. I would just read in bed if I couldn't hold my head up, right? I'd finish that paper! That one, too! I'd go to my class!

I didn't. I couldn't. So I slept. I wrote emails to my professors begging for grace, secretly terrified they'd think it was some evil ploy to get out of writing the paper. Note to self: should you ever become a professor, operate by grace, not by law.

They were all incredibly gracious. That paper hanging over my head is now due Thursday or Friday. I've missed 3 of my last 4 classes so far of my 1st year in seminary and I'm sad about it. Partially, I think, it has to do with closure. You get to see these people one last time. Savor the last few moments. Savor the finish of the semester (because we all know that even when it was good, it was exhausting). I'm hoping I will feel better in time for tomorrow night's last Worship class.

With this stage of forced rest and negative-2 productivity, I've been thinking a lot about my own motivation or lack thereof. Why is it that I'm still not eating as healthy as I should, still not doing daily devotions or simply reading from the bible, still not flossing, still not getting things done? The result is missed deadlines, extra poundage on my fabulous frame, laundry overflowing from my hamper, and frustration that I'm not living up to my "full potential." I hate that phrase. Like anyone ever does?!

I think I've been using up a lot of grace, though. (Not that it can ever be used up, but hear me out.) I think I've been relying on grace to get me through each day for so long that I've become lazy in my response to that wonderful gift. One of my profs said the other day to the class, "What is your response to grace?" Of course we all talked about it not being about what WE did because that would be too focused on works (i.e. SO not Lutheran). Again, he asked, "Yes, but, what I'm asking is, God gives this grace... What do you do? How do you respond?"

We were pretty quiet. Well, not really. We talked around the issue for a bit. Got frustrated with one another. That sort of thing. No good response came of it.

Then the next weekend I went with my TN friends to their church Sunday morning. We were talking about this author, Jerry Bridges, so I was looking at his books in their book store. After wanting 3 different ones in a row, I knew I'd found it when I came across "The Discipline of Grace." I'm pretty excited to read it. I know it certainly isn't Lutheran but I may need its message all the more because of that. His subtitle is "God's Role and Our Role in the Pursuit of Holiness." It sounds lovely, actually. As a matter of fact, I may pick it up now and read a bit.

I'll let you know how it goes... and life. ;) Thanks for reading.

~1L