Saturday, March 28, 2009

On failure and fatigue

When I graduated from undergrad, I was really happy to be done with academic work. I loved working at the coffee shop and for my W's. That wasn't really work. Or it was only work about 15% of the time?? Helpfully, that 15% was pretty equally distributed or it would just be one rainy day in a month of mostly sunshine.

Seminary work = 98% work.

Or maybe that is just what it feels like today. My friend in Med school once said that he was so stressed out learning everything because it was ALL important. Everything was something that may someday save someone's life. If he slacked off and didn't know that detail, would that mean that someone would die from his lack of knowledge of that one fact? So he listened closely.

At the time he told me that, I laughed and told him not to worry so much. Can I have that advice in reverse? It takes me SO long to read through books because it is hard for me to skim. Even trying to study for this church history exam on Tuesday is killing me. I keep putting it off and putting it off. It isn't that I think knowing that Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots, wanted the English throne from Elizabeth and was plotting against her is going to save someone's life someday, but it is the weight of history. The weight of how my very personal religious beliefs were formed and shaped. It is the fact that my professor thought it was important and I should know it.

I slept in until 10:45 today because I knew I was studying all day for this. Then I got up and checked email and facebook and eharmony and the-west and made myself some lunch. I just worked for 20 minutes and then started composing this.

I DON'T LIKE WORK.

(As a side note, I failed the History mid-term last semester. It is a very foreboding cloud hanging above me that I don't have the drive to shake my fist at quite yet. I have no head for history. That makes it all that much MORE important that I get back to studying and get all these little facts in my head. Oh God, help me!!!!!!!!! No seriously, God. Please help.)

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