Yesterday was a difficult day. Over 24 hours of waiting for the phone to ring. I was going stir crazy and changing my mind about the church every other minute. Yes, I still wanted to work there. No, it wasn't the right fit. Yes. No. There were probably a few minutes in there where I was calm enough to NOT think about it but let's be honest, nothing is worse than waiting for the phone to ring. News from a doctor. A diagnosis. An interview. A result. A date. Well, you get the idea. It was a rough day.
And after waiting that long, I basically figured out that I did not have the job but I needed to KNOW. I started getting worried that something had happened at the church or to the pastor and that was delaying this phone call. I started worse-case-scenario-ing it.
I shopped. Bought a new camera as a promise to myself that more adventures were happening in my life that needed photographing. I got my favorite grilled cheese from Michael's and a chocolate and strawberry smoothie from Starbucks. After that, after locking myself in my room and cuddling into my pillow, I finally passed out.
Only to be woken by THE phone call. It was very nice. I had a great skills for ministry. I wasn't the right fit. Don't be discouraged.
My question the rest of the evening to myself and anyone I talked to was how to not be discouraged when this is my third failed interview. I get that this call process is difficult and that it is about matching up my skills with the needs of a congregation. I get that. It is still difficult to be, essentially, rejected three times. It's like dating. How do you keep putting your heart out there? When is it really about ME, not THEM. Or the situation. Or the fit. Or the timing??
I had some advice from my former supervisor about connecting with people during my interviews. About letting myself be myself, warts and all. We spent a lot of time talking about it on internship. So I take that advice and go forward. Onward. Wherever this road will take me.
1 comment:
Alas, you are in good company. Very good company. It sucks, and it does get really hard to keep putting yourself out there. And who knows what a good "fit" is anyway? I hated the tension of knowing that I had the skills, the love, the drive, but no venue for these gifts and no acknowledgement, other than the well meaning pats on the back coupled with the words, "you should be a pastor."
And the thing that gets really hard is that the systems of support have scattered. Your friends are far away, starting the career you long for, and the candidacy system is done with you. (How's that for a downer?).
For me the question had to become, how then will I live? What do I do with this tension, sadness, and hope?
I can't say the right place is out there. I don't buy into that theology. But, I do know that you are an extraordinarily gifted woman. God has blessed us in you. And I can't wait to see where you go with this--whether it is as you've planned or not.
And perhaps, in the meantime we can work together to make this time suck less for others?
Much love,
- Julie
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