Funny how when you change the outside, you sometimes feel better on the inside.
Chopped off my hair this weekend, got a new pair of glasses with an update prescript, and got a new winter coat (mega on sale which makes it better). I feel good.
And yet...
As All Saints Day is coming up, I remember those who have died. I remember those who are dying. I've been grieving for the upcoming death of my good friend from high school and church, Carrie, who has been struggling with an aggressive cancer. Pray for peace as she is surrounded by the love of family in these final days.
In the now immortal words of my seminary colleages, FUCK CANCER. My new hair, new glasses, new coat... do nothing to stop the onslaught of disease in our bodies or in the world. Though I do find some comfort in them, I struggle with the balance. Haircuts and glasses and warm coats are necessary, yes. Perhaps this is guilt? Guilt that I am alive to enjoy and need haircuts, glasses, and coats.
Happy All Saints day soon. I'm celebrating with a new haircut, new glasses, and a new winter coat.
3 comments:
death. disease. time. perhaps these connected and bring balance in their own way. time is our greatest "resource," though this doesn't mean that we should "use" every moment...devouring it as though it were meant to be consumed. but disease and death can help us comprehend how brief our lives are. how precious time is. in understanding this, the way we use time will begin to look very different. perhaps some of the things we have been putting off will draw closer to realization. or some of those things which seem to matter so much now will no longer seem so important. with an understanding of precious quality and limited quantity of perceived time, our sense of purpose may begin to look somewhat different to us...shifting our goals...finding a new sense of balance.
celebrate, dear friend, in your new haircut, new glasses, and new winter coat! celebrate the wonder of your good friend's impending death. the transformation she will undergo. the impact of the gift of her life, and death, has had on you and so many others. it, too, is a precious gift...
namaste'
joe in montana
werd
Friend, I'm so sorry for the heavy weight of grief on you this season. I know that God will bear you up through it, but it doesn't necessarily make it easier, so I'll be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.
Maybe it's not guilt, but recognition of the unfairness that you do get to enjoy these things, live your life and other people don't? I don't have an answer for that, but I do know that you are allowed to enjoy your life, and to take pleasure in the small things (which you clearly do, miss cute new glasses!). God gave you this life to live it, to glorify Him, and to enjoy the blessings He gives you. I think anybody, even a person who doesn't have a long life ahead of them, would urge you to enjoy the life that they can't, to love the little things that they can no longer have, and not to feel too much guilt for doing so.
None of this is really helpful, what I'm saying, but I did want you to know that I'm thinking of you while you grieve.
And I, too, echo the phrase: FUCK cancer.
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