So I've been talking a lot and writing a lot in my journal and in letters about discipline and grace.
I picked up this book back in April @ Cornerstone church with friends called "The Discipline of Grace" by Jerry Bridges. The subtitle? "God's Role and Our Role in the Pursuit of Holiness." And if this sounds like something I wouldn't typically read, then you are correct. Lutherans are all about the grace. All about it being what GOD does and not what we DO. We can't earn our way into God's favor and love. And while I don't agree with every piece of theology in the book, I'm finding it is beautifully paired with my Systematic Theology class and my Jesus and the Gospels class.
Most especially, the method of theology called praxis method. As I understand it, its how you put your theology into practice. Doing something with it instead of the opposite end of the spectrum where you sit on your ass all day in a room with other brains and think about shit. While I hope that will never be the case with my own theology, I can tell you countless others have gone astray. It doesn't help the church.
And then there are the four gospel stories. And though we saw Jesus in the temple, philosophizing and coming up with riddles to make us think, we also saw Jesus eating dinner with tax collectors and the poor. Out healing. Out teaching. Out doing things. But I don't want to negate time spent in the temple, arguing with other leaders about the important issues. I just think that there's a balance.
We talk in seminary about pastors who are generally the sort to be found in their office and those who are generally never found in their office. There are upsides and downsides to both. Most obviously, if you only sit in your office, you aren't visiting the hospital, being in the community outside the church, etc. But then again, if you aren't in your office, there are fewer opportunities for *knock, knock* "Um.. pastor? You got a minute?" So again, there's a line to walk. It'll be fun to find it.
So with all these fine lines that I imagine I'll spend the rest of my life navigating... I find they seem to be nuances of that first one, discipline and grace. How much do we have to sit down and realize that it isn't up to us? How much do we need a poker at our side telling us that God wants us to use these hands, this voice, that talent or skill?
And honestly, even the things of ministry that are FOR God and our relationship with him take discipline. Getting a book and bible out to do a devotion (I don't)? Remembering to actually pray for that person you said you'd pray for (I forget)? Not falling asleep during your evening prayers (guilty!)? And for me, it's also going to chapel, going to class, and the NEVER simple task of getting out of bed in the morning. It takes MY work, not all God's. There are all kinds of "but" statements I could throw in here but I think I'll leave it at that. Because today, I think I need the reminder that I have two hands that work and a heart that beats (and perhaps also because I know at the core of my being that I have a God who loves me just as I am??).
Be blessed.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Being in Community
Hello cyber world o' mine. I must apologize once again for being gone so very long. Now that the third week of classes is beginning, I'm finally getting into the rhythm of everything once again. CPE sucked the life from my very bones and graciously gave it back in pieces. I've been remade. So it made it especially exciting and terribly difficult to come back into this community here at seminary.
I remember distinctly one of the professors saying at the start of my first year here that it is easier for us to see God's grace and forgiveness in our OWN lives than to see it in someone else's. In other words, he told us that before long we'd be looking at one another and going, "Well SHE shouldn't be here!"
Well... let's just say I've been needing to remember that speech frequently. Not necessarily with my friends in school but the larger community. Look how flawed we are. See how flawed I am? How does God do work through flawed people? And yes, I've read the Old Testament - I know he uses drunkards, adulterers, etc. to do great things. I'm just a little tired weary.
Part of it has to do with the church wide assembly's decision to ordain homosexuals in committed monogamous relationships. So many people freaked out and were sad. Let down. But here, we are all pretty much over the moon about it. So I have to grapple with the idea that one decision can be seen as the church finally being like Christ but also failing to uphold the teachings of the Bible. So I feel I cannot celebrate when so many people are grieving.
There's this gap. This vision I have of polar opposites. Everywhere I look I see saints and sinners. Mind you, I'm talking about one person being saint and sinner. So people have tried to tell me to separate the two. Just focus on that person being an amazing pastor and don't worry about their affair. Or focus on their sermon, not on their getting drunk. So I try. But then I wonder if this is the way to go. Not just because it is really difficult to separate one part of someone from another part, but because I'd like to believe that I could love the whole person and not pick that parts I like. I cannot reduce people down to saint in some contexts and sinner in others. We are saint and sinner all the time. We do not throw switches on and off. If we could, don't you think we'd choose saint?
And you know, I think that's the beauty of it. We cannot be saint without also being sinner. How can we see the light except for the darkness that surrounds it? Otherwise we are just blind.
*Sigh*
I'm learning to bring that light and dark together without making some sort of middle gray area. I know life is not black and white but I cannot believe it is always gray. And maybe it just comes down to perspective. Yours. Mine. That guy's. Her's. God's.
Do you ever want to ask God why in the world he keeps on loving us despite all our flaws, wounds, and brokenness? I do. But I have to say I'm thrilled to death he does... even if I don't always understand it.
I remember distinctly one of the professors saying at the start of my first year here that it is easier for us to see God's grace and forgiveness in our OWN lives than to see it in someone else's. In other words, he told us that before long we'd be looking at one another and going, "Well SHE shouldn't be here!"
Well... let's just say I've been needing to remember that speech frequently. Not necessarily with my friends in school but the larger community. Look how flawed we are. See how flawed I am? How does God do work through flawed people? And yes, I've read the Old Testament - I know he uses drunkards, adulterers, etc. to do great things. I'm just a little tired weary.
Part of it has to do with the church wide assembly's decision to ordain homosexuals in committed monogamous relationships. So many people freaked out and were sad. Let down. But here, we are all pretty much over the moon about it. So I have to grapple with the idea that one decision can be seen as the church finally being like Christ but also failing to uphold the teachings of the Bible. So I feel I cannot celebrate when so many people are grieving.
There's this gap. This vision I have of polar opposites. Everywhere I look I see saints and sinners. Mind you, I'm talking about one person being saint and sinner. So people have tried to tell me to separate the two. Just focus on that person being an amazing pastor and don't worry about their affair. Or focus on their sermon, not on their getting drunk. So I try. But then I wonder if this is the way to go. Not just because it is really difficult to separate one part of someone from another part, but because I'd like to believe that I could love the whole person and not pick that parts I like. I cannot reduce people down to saint in some contexts and sinner in others. We are saint and sinner all the time. We do not throw switches on and off. If we could, don't you think we'd choose saint?
And you know, I think that's the beauty of it. We cannot be saint without also being sinner. How can we see the light except for the darkness that surrounds it? Otherwise we are just blind.
*Sigh*
I'm learning to bring that light and dark together without making some sort of middle gray area. I know life is not black and white but I cannot believe it is always gray. And maybe it just comes down to perspective. Yours. Mine. That guy's. Her's. God's.
Do you ever want to ask God why in the world he keeps on loving us despite all our flaws, wounds, and brokenness? I do. But I have to say I'm thrilled to death he does... even if I don't always understand it.
Friday, September 11, 2009
A tidbit in remembrance
From a travel journal my Grandma had that only had a few entries:
September 11, 2001
The girls and I are at a beautiful home on a lake in Jacksonport, WI. We are in DOOR CO - known as a fantastic tourist "get away"!!
Kaye, Beth, and I arrived Sunday evening between five and six, and Susan and Nancy arrived soon after. Nancy had flown into St. Paul on Saturday. Kaye arrived in Mendota Thurs. evening, and Beth came on Saturday. Our trip here was in pouring rain - BUT - it was lovely on Monday and also today. We have been glued to the TV because of the horrible news on the bombing in N.Y. and Washington.
September 11, 2001
The girls and I are at a beautiful home on a lake in Jacksonport, WI. We are in DOOR CO - known as a fantastic tourist "get away"!!
Kaye, Beth, and I arrived Sunday evening between five and six, and Susan and Nancy arrived soon after. Nancy had flown into St. Paul on Saturday. Kaye arrived in Mendota Thurs. evening, and Beth came on Saturday. Our trip here was in pouring rain - BUT - it was lovely on Monday and also today. We have been glued to the TV because of the horrible news on the bombing in N.Y. and Washington.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
My 200th Post!!
It is fitting that my 200th post is also written on the day that I finished CPE. Cause for celebration and marking time passed...
I wanted to share a bit of our goodbye process today. To close, we went around and said, in one word, what we hoped most for each other. What did they hope for me?
Happiness.
Love.
Self.
A-place-by-a-babbling-brook. (This was my supervisor so he could break the rules.)
In other words, they got me. They pegged me completely. Today (and throughout the internship), I had small mirrors held up for me that presented a completely accurate picture of me - not only what I presented on the outside but all the way down to my fears, hopes, beliefs, and passions. It was a remarkable experience to be seen for who you really are - the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful in between.
I wanted to share a bit of our goodbye process today. To close, we went around and said, in one word, what we hoped most for each other. What did they hope for me?
Happiness.
Love.
Self.
A-place-by-a-babbling-brook. (This was my supervisor so he could break the rules.)
In other words, they got me. They pegged me completely. Today (and throughout the internship), I had small mirrors held up for me that presented a completely accurate picture of me - not only what I presented on the outside but all the way down to my fears, hopes, beliefs, and passions. It was a remarkable experience to be seen for who you really are - the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful in between.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Secret of Life
"The Secret of Life" by Faith Hill
Couple of guys sittin around drinkin
Down at the starlight bar
One of em says, you know Ive been thinking
Other one says, that wont get you too far
He says, this is your life, and welcome to it
Its just workin and drinkin and dreams
Ad on tv says just do it
Hell if I know what that means
The secret of life is a good cup of coffee
The secret of life is keep your eye on the ball
The secret of life is a beautiful woman
And marilyn stares down from the barroom wall
You and me, were just a couple of zeros
Just a couple of down-and-outs
But movie stars and football heroes
What have they got to be unhappy about?
So they turn to the bartender, sam, what do you think?
Whats the key that unlocks that door?
Sam dont say nothin, just wipes off the bar
And he pours them a couple more
cause the secret of life is in sams martinis
The secret of life is in marilyns eyes
The secret of life is in monday night football
Rolling stones records and moms apple pie
Sam looks up from his sunday paper
Says, boys, youre on the wrong track
The secret of life is there aint no secret
And you dont get your money back
Hey
The secret of life is gettin up early
The secret of life is stayin up late
The secret of life is try not to hurry
But dont wait
Dont wait
The secret of life is a good cup of coffee
The secret of life is keep your eye on the ball
The secret of life is to find the right woman
The secret of life is nothin at all
Oh, its nothin at all
The secret of life
Couple of guys sittin around drinkin
Down at the starlight bar
One of em says, you know Ive been thinking
Other one says, that wont get you too far
That wont get you too far
Just read a fascinating reflection on the Sodom and Gomorrah story. Worth a read.
"Anyone who reads this passage with an ounce of intelligence or imagination can see that this is absolutely not a condemnation of homosexuality as we understand it."
http://normalsusan.blogspot.com/2009/08/sunday-august-2-2009.html
"Anyone who reads this passage with an ounce of intelligence or imagination can see that this is absolutely not a condemnation of homosexuality as we understand it."
http://normalsusan.blogspot.com/2009/08/sunday-august-2-2009.html
Question and Answers
Much of what this first year of seminary education (including CPE) has taught me is that there is a lot in me that has yet to be nailed down. I do not have a definitive stance on a good number of theological issues. When I said in a prayer the other day about a patient's soldier friend, "Don't take this one away" - I got asked about the theology behind it. I didn't have an answer.
So I've been asking myself more questions. Just what do I feel about death? The power of prayer? The idea of God's grace? Embodiment? Homosexuality? End of life issues?
It has all landed on my plate. Not everything is demanding a decision. Part of the blessing of this past year is the bliss of the color gray. I'm learning how very little in life is black or white. Much of it is in between. I see this as just a bit of the beauty of humanity and the blessing of diversity.
I've also had the chance to discover where I'm falling down on some of those issues. What do I do when faced with a dead body in a room where 20 people are grieving that death? Where one is grieving? None? How do I feel about doctors and DNR orders? How many times in one day can you ask, "What if this were me in their shoes?" and not go crazy?
Needless to say, it has been a year of questioning myself right down to the heart and soul of me. This summer has been an opportunity to ask those questions and play with the different answers. The unique stage of CPE gives me a chance to see how different answers sit with me and how others sit with their answers. I've had a chance to decide what exactly I believe in a space that welcomes the questions and the varied answers that come with them. God bless the people in this program and my seminary for questioning my answers.... but still allowing me to be me. (And God bless those of you back home who have loved me for years regardless of what my answers are.)
As for those questions, or more specifically, for my answers, I'm sure you'll be reading about them soon enough. I'm ready to write.
So I've been asking myself more questions. Just what do I feel about death? The power of prayer? The idea of God's grace? Embodiment? Homosexuality? End of life issues?
It has all landed on my plate. Not everything is demanding a decision. Part of the blessing of this past year is the bliss of the color gray. I'm learning how very little in life is black or white. Much of it is in between. I see this as just a bit of the beauty of humanity and the blessing of diversity.
I've also had the chance to discover where I'm falling down on some of those issues. What do I do when faced with a dead body in a room where 20 people are grieving that death? Where one is grieving? None? How do I feel about doctors and DNR orders? How many times in one day can you ask, "What if this were me in their shoes?" and not go crazy?
Needless to say, it has been a year of questioning myself right down to the heart and soul of me. This summer has been an opportunity to ask those questions and play with the different answers. The unique stage of CPE gives me a chance to see how different answers sit with me and how others sit with their answers. I've had a chance to decide what exactly I believe in a space that welcomes the questions and the varied answers that come with them. God bless the people in this program and my seminary for questioning my answers.... but still allowing me to be me. (And God bless those of you back home who have loved me for years regardless of what my answers are.)
As for those questions, or more specifically, for my answers, I'm sure you'll be reading about them soon enough. I'm ready to write.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
I'm Not Gonna Make It
One of the best parts about my CPE experience is the array of conversations I get to have around American culture and the English language with our two international students. One of them was asking me the other day what the phrase, "I'm gonna make it" means. I laughed. Of course this would not make sense to a new English speaker.
First of all, you have to mentally break apart those first words into I AM GOING TO but then to decide how you MAKE IT. Make what? Why are you making something. So then it turned into a conversation about survival and exaggeration. I tried to explain that although it means survival in the hospital (this patient is going to make it vs. he's not going to make it), we Americans like to exaggerate... a lot. So when the clock says 4:28pm and you are leaving work at 5, you may roll your eyes, lay your head on your desk and sigh, "I'm not gonna make it."
It was then that the international student started laughing and nodding. THIS was how he heard it used - not the other way (despite our being in a hospital!). Oh, America. THIS is what we are teaching other countries about us!
But that got me thinking how much we sap the importance out of certain phrases. Think for instance on the terrifying phrase "I'm gonna kill you" and how we playfully use it when someone mislaunders our favorite blouse or tickles us two seconds too many. We don't mean kill just like we don't really wonder if we are going to survive until 5.
I just called my grandma to wish her a happy birthday and she said that when she was born she was just over 3 pounds. "They didn't think I was gonna make it... but I did!" She turned 81 today. She "made it" for sure. But how odd to pull that into comparison with all the things I've seen in the hospital this summer. Those patients who didn't make it. Despite prayers and wishful thinking and the work of the doctors and nurses, they died. And in one case in particular, how a doctor was telling a patient's family that he was going to make it when they thought all hope was lost. I'm happy that he's around. He made it.
Funny choice of word though, "make" (or "made") is. You aren't really making anything.... are you?
Let's Merriam-Webster it:
MAKE
: to cause to exist, occur, or appear : create (make a disturbance)
: to bring into being by forming, shaping, or altering material : fashion (make a dress)
: reach, attain (made port before the storm) —often used with it
-make it
: to be successful (trying to make it in the big time as a fashion photographer)
: survive, live (half the cubs won't make it through their first year)
Interesting. I had even forgotten about the making it big time version of making it. Oh well. I wonder if there is some kind of life analogy (you know I am always wondering that) about our making it being completely out of our hands. In other words, if we are talking about making it through something, our goal is survival but ultimately it is out of our hands.
Frankly, I'm just giving thanks that 81 years ago my grandma did MAKE IT so that I could be alive today. Thanks gram... er, thanks God?
First of all, you have to mentally break apart those first words into I AM GOING TO but then to decide how you MAKE IT. Make what? Why are you making something. So then it turned into a conversation about survival and exaggeration. I tried to explain that although it means survival in the hospital (this patient is going to make it vs. he's not going to make it), we Americans like to exaggerate... a lot. So when the clock says 4:28pm and you are leaving work at 5, you may roll your eyes, lay your head on your desk and sigh, "I'm not gonna make it."
It was then that the international student started laughing and nodding. THIS was how he heard it used - not the other way (despite our being in a hospital!). Oh, America. THIS is what we are teaching other countries about us!
But that got me thinking how much we sap the importance out of certain phrases. Think for instance on the terrifying phrase "I'm gonna kill you" and how we playfully use it when someone mislaunders our favorite blouse or tickles us two seconds too many. We don't mean kill just like we don't really wonder if we are going to survive until 5.
I just called my grandma to wish her a happy birthday and she said that when she was born she was just over 3 pounds. "They didn't think I was gonna make it... but I did!" She turned 81 today. She "made it" for sure. But how odd to pull that into comparison with all the things I've seen in the hospital this summer. Those patients who didn't make it. Despite prayers and wishful thinking and the work of the doctors and nurses, they died. And in one case in particular, how a doctor was telling a patient's family that he was going to make it when they thought all hope was lost. I'm happy that he's around. He made it.
Funny choice of word though, "make" (or "made") is. You aren't really making anything.... are you?
Let's Merriam-Webster it:
MAKE
: to cause to exist, occur, or appear : create (make a disturbance)
: to bring into being by forming, shaping, or altering material : fashion (make a dress)
: reach, attain (made port before the storm) —often used with it
-make it
: to be successful (trying to make it in the big time as a fashion photographer)
: survive, live (half the cubs won't make it through their first year)
Interesting. I had even forgotten about the making it big time version of making it. Oh well. I wonder if there is some kind of life analogy (you know I am always wondering that) about our making it being completely out of our hands. In other words, if we are talking about making it through something, our goal is survival but ultimately it is out of our hands.
Frankly, I'm just giving thanks that 81 years ago my grandma did MAKE IT so that I could be alive today. Thanks gram... er, thanks God?
Thursday, July 16, 2009
This sucks
I'd really rather not deal with it. It hurts too much. Feels too close. Hits too hard.
Deal with what, you ask? How I relate to other people seems to be performance based. I put on a show so you'll like me. So I'm coming here... where I still seem to be performing some show but where I've managed also to share a good bit of my heart as honestly as I can.
I think it all has to come down to the fact that I'm scared to death I won't be liked... or loved. That if I stop being a Susie Sunshine, quick with a joke or a quote or the latest headline, that somehow you will all decide that I'm not worth being around. So my goal in patient care is to cheer people up. Crack a joke. Make them smile.
This doesn't work. It fails pretty much every time. And here I am, being reminded that it isn't about me - - it's about the patients. I can't go in and put on a performance for them. But it doesn't change the fact that I want them to like me. I want to be an amazing chaplain. The problem? I can't be an amazing chaplain.... unless I deal with my shit and get through this and learn how to connect to people on a real level and stop worrying if I'll do well, be liked, be accepted....
I'd really rather not deal with it. It hurts too much. Feels too close. Hits too hard.
Deal with what, you ask? How I relate to other people seems to be performance based. I put on a show so you'll like me. So I'm coming here... where I still seem to be performing some show but where I've managed also to share a good bit of my heart as honestly as I can.
I think it all has to come down to the fact that I'm scared to death I won't be liked... or loved. That if I stop being a Susie Sunshine, quick with a joke or a quote or the latest headline, that somehow you will all decide that I'm not worth being around. So my goal in patient care is to cheer people up. Crack a joke. Make them smile.
This doesn't work. It fails pretty much every time. And here I am, being reminded that it isn't about me - - it's about the patients. I can't go in and put on a performance for them. But it doesn't change the fact that I want them to like me. I want to be an amazing chaplain. The problem? I can't be an amazing chaplain.... unless I deal with my shit and get through this and learn how to connect to people on a real level and stop worrying if I'll do well, be liked, be accepted....
I'd really rather not deal with it. It hurts too much. Feels too close. Hits too hard.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
On Reaching the Half Way Point - Entry #2
Okay mid-unit evaluations.... bring em on! This week marks the half way point. I know I said in my last entry that I was going to vague and just leave you with a quote... but in fact there is really so much to say. I started reading back in some of my old blog entries. By old, I mean when CPE started (what we refer to as 5 years ago here). My fear of the unknown and my anxiety about being on call... wow. It all sounds familiar and I can touch the memory of it within me, but it also seems far away. Distant. I guess that's a good thing. As for that unknown behind every door: every single patient I meet is a child of God. What am I afraid of?
And can I just say as a side note - the sunset right now is beyond gorgeous. I have found that the weather after a good rain storm is so beautiful that I tend to love the rain that brought it. Oh my - even that sounds like it was supposed to carry some deep message. While I'm sure it can be an analogy for life and life's difficulties... I really have found that a good rain storm one day means breathtaking weather the next. That or you just have a week's worth of rain.... I digress.
So CPE is going well. I had to stop and let myself learn. I had to accept that I had no idea how to do this (shocking) and that I was surrounded by people who could teach me (thank you Jesus) if only I would let them and let myself (stubbornness comes naturally to me - I'm a redhead). So I did let myself let them and now I'm learning. I'm learning a lot, too. Some of it I am tucking away for a later time. Most of it I'm being forced to use right away. That's what is so amazing about CPE. It isn't some classroom on some campus in a little bubble of safety and intellect. I learn in a small classroom tucked away in a corner of a hospital - then I go visit with patients. I respond to a crisis and I have to use what I've learned in class (often from the same day if only because it is fresh on my mind).
So as for the quote - - it's true. I knew that there was some work that needed to be done. But then God started throwing out a wing here and putting in a courtyard over there. I'm not gonna lie, it still hurts. I'm just trusting more. It helps it not hurt so much in the long run.
And can I just say as a side note - the sunset right now is beyond gorgeous. I have found that the weather after a good rain storm is so beautiful that I tend to love the rain that brought it. Oh my - even that sounds like it was supposed to carry some deep message. While I'm sure it can be an analogy for life and life's difficulties... I really have found that a good rain storm one day means breathtaking weather the next. That or you just have a week's worth of rain.... I digress.
So CPE is going well. I had to stop and let myself learn. I had to accept that I had no idea how to do this (shocking) and that I was surrounded by people who could teach me (thank you Jesus) if only I would let them and let myself (stubbornness comes naturally to me - I'm a redhead). So I did let myself let them and now I'm learning. I'm learning a lot, too. Some of it I am tucking away for a later time. Most of it I'm being forced to use right away. That's what is so amazing about CPE. It isn't some classroom on some campus in a little bubble of safety and intellect. I learn in a small classroom tucked away in a corner of a hospital - then I go visit with patients. I respond to a crisis and I have to use what I've learned in class (often from the same day if only because it is fresh on my mind).
So as for the quote - - it's true. I knew that there was some work that needed to be done. But then God started throwing out a wing here and putting in a courtyard over there. I'm not gonna lie, it still hurts. I'm just trusting more. It helps it not hurt so much in the long run.
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