Being in Community

Hello cyber world o' mine. I must apologize once again for being gone so very long. Now that the third week of classes is beginning, I'm finally getting into the rhythm of everything once again. CPE sucked the life from my very bones and graciously gave it back in pieces. I've been remade. So it made it especially exciting and terribly difficult to come back into this community here at seminary.

I remember distinctly one of the professors saying at the start of my first year here that it is easier for us to see God's grace and forgiveness in our OWN lives than to see it in someone else's. In other words, he told us that before long we'd be looking at one another and going, "Well SHE shouldn't be here!"

Well... let's just say I've been needing to remember that speech frequently. Not necessarily with my friends in school but the larger community. Look how flawed we are. See how flawed I am? How does God do work through flawed people? And yes, I've read the Old Testament - I know he uses drunkards, adulterers, etc. to do great things. I'm just a little tired weary.

Part of it has to do with the church wide assembly's decision to ordain homosexuals in committed monogamous relationships. So many people freaked out and were sad. Let down. But here, we are all pretty much over the moon about it. So I have to grapple with the idea that one decision can be seen as the church finally being like Christ but also failing to uphold the teachings of the Bible. So I feel I cannot celebrate when so many people are grieving.

There's this gap. This vision I have of polar opposites. Everywhere I look I see saints and sinners. Mind you, I'm talking about one person being saint and sinner. So people have tried to tell me to separate the two. Just focus on that person being an amazing pastor and don't worry about their affair. Or focus on their sermon, not on their getting drunk. So I try. But then I wonder if this is the way to go. Not just because it is really difficult to separate one part of someone from another part, but because I'd like to believe that I could love the whole person and not pick that parts I like. I cannot reduce people down to saint in some contexts and sinner in others. We are saint and sinner all the time. We do not throw switches on and off. If we could, don't you think we'd choose saint?

And you know, I think that's the beauty of it. We cannot be saint without also being sinner. How can we see the light except for the darkness that surrounds it? Otherwise we are just blind.

*Sigh*

I'm learning to bring that light and dark together without making some sort of middle gray area. I know life is not black and white but I cannot believe it is always gray. And maybe it just comes down to perspective. Yours. Mine. That guy's. Her's. God's.

Do you ever want to ask God why in the world he keeps on loving us despite all our flaws, wounds, and brokenness? I do. But I have to say I'm thrilled to death he does... even if I don't always understand it.