Advice

So I keep finding myself in situations where people are giving me advice. About moving. About ink. About being friends with an ex. About life. MY life.

And I have to say, today I reached the ceiling on getting advice. I appreciate the balanced feedback from my spiritual director who I approached with these issues. I appreciate the insight from my mother who knows what she's talking about and knows me ridiculously well. I appreciate my tattoo artist advising me on tattoo care as my last one turned out beautifully and it is his passion.

What I'm full up on right now is everything else - "Well, you know... You should really... " I don't want to imply that you, dear reader, are unwanted in my life. But the advice about packing, internship, my ink, my ex, and my body are getting tiresome. It makes me feel as if everyone in my life sees me as a woman who is inept in all areas. It doesn't feel so nice.

Now, being on the other end of advice giving, I get that it generally comes from a place that is well meaning and sometimes even loving. I gave my mother advice when I was home last weekend and we got into a tiff about it. So I do it, too. I guess what I'm wondering is why? Why is it so easy to give advice and so annoying to get? Even if it comes from someone you trust who has good intentions, it rarely sounds like anything other than, "You have failed completely at (this aspect of your) life. Let me fix you."

My supervisor last summer told me that not all people hear advice this way. Like it implies there is something wrong with them. I remember being told that I had pretty much failed to connect with a patient or benefit them in any way and I broke down in tears. I had failed! My supervisor stepped in. No, I had not failed as a human being, a child of God, a hospital chaplain. I had failed to connect with this patient, this time, in this training session. What was all the fuss about?

It was a wake up call for sure. Why did that failure feedback send me into such a tizzy? (I've been reading too much 'Llama Drama' if 'tizzy' has entered my vocabulary.) Equally, it took me months to sort through the feedback that I was racist, sexist, and more after a challenging Endorsement Panel last fall. I was a mess in the beginning; vacillating between, "Is that true?!?!?" and "That can't be true!!!!!!" Now, almost a year later, I know to what extent I am a racist, sexist, and more and what else in the room was not actually MY stuff at all.

Is the same thing happening now? People giving me advice they must think I need to hear and my rejecting it? I can't decide. It seems very unhelpful now. I guess I will tell you in a year.

In the meantime, cease and desist.