Ready or not - that is the question. Ready to drive 20 hours? Sure. Ready to see the family? Yes. Ready to see the new house and start internship? Yes please.
Ready to leave here? No.
It's more than the piles around my apartment that still must find homes in bags and boxes and wish their way into my car tomorrow. It's more than the feeling of sickness in the pit of my stomach that I can't shake with sleep or foods full of good vitamins and protein and fiber. Nothing helps.
Last night, I had a packing party with two friends. We took a time out and gathered on my (tragically still here) mattress on the floor in the "dining room" and talked about life. About relationships. About becoming the person you always hoped you would be and accepting the person you really are. Knowing yourself. Enjoying life. Being single or at least unmarried and why America says that is wrong... and how frustrating that is. About how life keeps changing. It was wonderful.
And then I realized they are not sitting in my piles of things to take with me.
I remember when I was 11 and moved for the first time how hard it was. My neighbor told me "Home is where your stuff is." I'd like to know what she would say when I tell her that my "stuff" is in a lot of different places. I've got boxes in both my parent's basements. Storage items and things I've passed on in at least 10 different homes of friends and other family. Some will find it's way to Montana where it will share space with the furnishings of someone else's home. So home for me is actually in a lot of different places by her definition.
I got a message from a friend when I was in TN last weekend: "Enjoy home while you are away from home and on your way to your new home." I smiled. She's completely correct. I'm blessed to have a lot of homes. But...
That doesn't stop me from resisting this big move like it is the plague. I just need more time. I'm not quite ready. Just another week. Another month. Another year. Another lifetime. Then I will be ready. Then.
2 comments:
YOU are amazing and you CAN do this move and do a PHENOMINAL job as an intern and as a contributing member of that family just as you have been to so many in the past. You do have many homes just like you have many families!
Remember when you were little and were told (I'm assuming) that it was just growing pains? That's all this is, it just feels different because it's a different kind of growth!
Yep, you are amazing and will manage this with resilience and fortitude along with the angst, just like you have all the other things in your life that have come in and caused distress. I believe in you and am thankful to know you (and to have given birth to you!!) And it doesn't have to be done perfectly. You will figure it out. Billings is so fortunate to have the opportunity of hosting you for a year. It will go fast and a year from now, I bet you will be saying, "but I'm not ready to leave here!"
At any rate, I'm in your corner, sweetheart.
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