I'd really rather not deal with it. It hurts too much. Feels too close. Hits too hard.
Deal with what, you ask? How I relate to other people seems to be performance based. I put on a show so you'll like me. So I'm coming here... where I still seem to be performing some show but where I've managed also to share a good bit of my heart as honestly as I can.
I think it all has to come down to the fact that I'm scared to death I won't be liked... or loved. That if I stop being a Susie Sunshine, quick with a joke or a quote or the latest headline, that somehow you will all decide that I'm not worth being around. So my goal in patient care is to cheer people up. Crack a joke. Make them smile.
This doesn't work. It fails pretty much every time. And here I am, being reminded that it isn't about me - - it's about the patients. I can't go in and put on a performance for them. But it doesn't change the fact that I want them to like me. I want to be an amazing chaplain. The problem? I can't be an amazing chaplain.... unless I deal with my shit and get through this and learn how to connect to people on a real level and stop worrying if I'll do well, be liked, be accepted....
I'd really rather not deal with it. It hurts too much. Feels too close. Hits too hard.
6 comments:
Remember that you are both liked and loved. And you don't need to do anything.
I'm not doing CPE or trying to be a good chaplain, but I know just what you mean. I've made some huge changes in my life this summer, breaking up with Alex after five years for one, and it's funny how quickly that has made me aware of my insecurities about people liking me, about old high school mindsets of "why am I not the kind of girl a bazillion guys are after?", and the niggling problem of my popularity complex. It's hard when we learn so many tricks to get around these insecurities and engineer our relationships, to get at the core of what makes real connections and friendships happen. So much of the time those real connections seem like a fluke. How can you cultivate them on a patient by patient basis? How can you fill other people's emotional needs when you are uncertain about your own?
Just saying, I feel you sistah!
Why did you first enter our lives?
Why are you such an integral part of our family?
Why are you ever-present in the lives of my girls even though you're many miles away?
Why do I (we) love, love, love you?
Why did God call you to do His amazing work?
The answer to all of those questions is this: YOU MADE YOURSELF AVAILABLE...plain and simple.
You didn't care if we liked you (although we did - obviously) and if you did care, you certainly didn't show it. You weren't putting on an act and you didn't attempt to impress us. You simply came into our lives, made yourself available and poured out your love.
This CPE thing is no different. Go in and be available and let them feel your love, which is actually God's love manifesting itself in you.
The pain is deep and the lessons learned are hard because the payoff is so great. Also, because God wants you to remember that you MUST rely on Him. You can't do it yourself with a bag of pride-filled tricks. You can't go in and sing a song or do a little dance. You're not a trained monkey, you're a humble vessel of God. Don't let Satan turn your focus inward when your goal is outward.
Treat everyday like you're hanging out with the W's...just being there and loving openly.
Do ya know how much I love ya?
Hang in there my dear!
You are in the thick of it, beautiful. And I am SOOOOOOO encouraged and proud and inspired that you are fully engaged in these moments. Girlfriend, I also unsuccessfully tried to Susie Sunshine my way through CPE. But God finds us. And works with us. And never, ever gives up on us as we "work through our shit" and help others to do the same.
Much love and prayers.
God is flowing through you at this moment and in all moments.
Em
I heard somewhere that being liked is easier than being loved. That when you're liked, you have some control over the situation, but not when you're being loved. God loves you, sister, like it or not.
Thank you all SO much for the support. It means the world to me.
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