Humility and Wholeness

"To be human is to ask unanswerable questions, but to persist in asking them, to be broken and ache for wholeness, to hurt and to try to find a way to healing through the hurt." -The Spirituality of Imperfection by Kurtz and Ketcham

I'll be honest and let you know I spent much of the past two days deep in hurt... Reexamining old wounds and marveling at how they are apparent today. I give thanks for the generous friends, family, spiritual director and internship supervisors that have patiently waited for me to stop questing for perfection and start seeking wholeness instead.

This book I picked up (which is amazing) speaks of AA and many twelve step programs as "more a journey toward humility than a struggle for perfection." What a cool way to look at healing! A way to look at spirituality through our imperfections, our hurts, our pain - and use them to find meaning in the chaos and darkness of the world. The 12 step is just one example.

I dig it. This path is the answer to a prayer cried without words from the depth of me. Why didn't anyone tell me life was so difficult? Life is beautiful but it is requires all I have to give.

Well, here I go!

Uncomfortable

Internship will be an uncomfortable year. Neither good nor bad but uncomfortable.

I'm wondering if this is really our call as Christians, especially as pastors and ministers. Ministry is quite frankly, the most uncomfortable thing I've ever done. It pushes me to deal with everything that blocks me from living the gospel and loving people.

I am hesitant to admit those issues seem numerous. I don't have it all together. I don't have it all figured out. And what's worse? I never will. There will never come a time when I will say, "Yup. I've figured it all out." Does it say anything about me that this is in any way surprising or frustrating?

Or perhaps something about my theology that I want to be in control and be perfect? I wish that weren't the case but the indicators point to "true." So I'm uncomfortable. Trying to figure out how to have a little more grace with myself about who God made me to be... and who I am.

I have believed for a while that our imperfections are problems in need of fixing. The problem is that I know problems need fixing. It can't be wonderful to constantly be late or so worried about being vulnerable that one avoids all human interactions. Help is needed.

On the other hand (and this is what I'm struggling to take hold of), we are whole already. Not broken and busted in need of repair before we are whole... but whole to begin with.

Strange how I can see that about other people - their wholeness and worth and dignity - but miss it in my own person. I'm going to work on loving myself as God does... and not just my neighbor.

Blessings on your Thanksgivings. I give thanks to God for a place to vent my worries and share my joys and for each of you who reads this. ;)

Wicked

GLINDA
(spoken) Elphie, listen to me. Just say you're sorry.
(sung) You can still be with the Wizard
What you've worked and waited for
You can have all you ever wanted.

ELPHABA
(spoken) I know...
(sung) But I don't want it -
No - I can't want it anymore

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

GLINDA
Can't I make you understand?
You're having delusions of grandeur.

ELPHABA
I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down.

Gratitude and Appreciation

In the spirit of giving Thanks, I wanted to share my most recent and reoccurring thanksgiving.

My body.

Seriously, now. I work with a lot of elderly people who struggle to walk, talk, see, hear, respond quickly, and think clearly. I am so blessed with able legs that can walk up and down stairs (as well as run, skip, jump, and climb them). I am so blessed with eyes that see well (even if I begrudge the use of my glasses, they are a simple fix... and I give thanks there IS a fix). I am blessed with good hearing, thick long hair, all my teeth and working joints.

So whenever I start to begrudge my extra pounds, my generous thighs, or my imperfect vision, I think about my residents who would give anything to have my body - "warts and all."

Thanks, God. I'll try to take the best care of it I can. ;)

Courage

You cannot know for certain the greatness of the future for which you are being prepared: the depths of compassion and understanding that are being carved by your sorrow; the vitality that gathers in secret pools behind the dam of old hopes and memories; the adventures that await you. Your inner spirit builds upon itself in anticipation of that final drop that will pour over the side and into your future.... you cannot stop the life within you that is pressing forward. Your curiosity will be the source of your courage.

~Carol Orsborn in The Art of Resilience

Slow Down

Our lives are over scheduled. Too busy. Too much going on. Our to-do lists are never ending.

To compensate, we rush. We hurry. We dart from one activity to the next and the next. If you are anything like me, you then CRASH. This happens in various ways. You either give 24/7 and then get ridiculously ill for a week... or you give and give at work and then come home and have no energy to do anything more than watch tv. Forget mowing the lawn or doing the dishes. A healthy meal is out of the question. You're exhausted.

Do you ever what would happen if you slowed down? Are you afraid the world would come crashing to a halt around you? People would die without you there? Life would end?

Well, I think I do sometimes. If I don't show up and get things done, what happens?

Worked at an assisted living facility is helping me rethink that notion. I nearly missed devotions because an ethics committee meeting ran late. As I dashed into the chapel to apologize for my lateness and begin devotions, I saw that one of the administrators was happily reading the scripture from the daily devotional. The residents were content. No one was fussed. Life carried on - and provided one of the administrators the opportunity to lead devotions which she enjoyed.
Similarly, I have found that when I rush down the hall to my office or to the next meeting, I miss conversations with elderly residents or staff who are stressed. I don't stop and pet the bird at the entry. I miss the carved pumpkins and scarecrows that serve as our fall decoration. I miss a lot.

And truthfully, when I rush, I don't get more things done. I may get more things done that day but I have to spend so much time recovering that it doesn't matter. So I'm taking things slower. I'm intentionally going slower. God help me for I know that's where God is.

After all, this way I can "keep up" with the residents as they walk...

Strings and Things

I grew up loving the sound of my father singing and playing his guitar. As I grew older this sound became less frequent as our lives got busier and new hobbies were born. Occasionally, though, he would pull out his beautiful Martin and play a few John Denver goodies. I think this also explains my deep love of folk music. Give me a simple melody on a guitar and some rich vocals and I'm good to go.

For Christmas last year, I asked for my own guitar. I've been wanting to play for a while. A rather cynical friend told me that I only wanted to play guitar to be cool and to attract the opposite sex. There are a lot of other things I could do to be cool - I don't really consider this one. As a matter of fact, when you play guitar as a pastor, you tend to get pushed into the "youth pastor" position. I resist all such stereotypes.

So I've been picking at it for the last year and picking up tidbits from various friends of mine who play.

....I love it.

And providence saw to making me play for an audience for the first time last Wednesday. I played Tift Merritt's Engine to Turn as part of my sermon. It was a difficult text. Her words, "I don't know how to fix the world," and "Don't be scared" fit very well.

More later as I continue to explore this beautiful world of stringy sound.

http://tasteandseelstc.blogspot.com/2010/11/coffee-sacrament.html

Just in case you aren't checking over there on Saturdays which is when I post. ;)

In other news, the weeks are raging on. I'm shocked to discover I've been here over two months. Doesn't seem possible. And yet, I know the road names that I'm traveling on. I have some sense of comfort in the various places I lead worship or devotions or bible studies.

I was chatting with a fellow intern about comfort levels. How comfortable do we want to get? Comfortable enough that we have some confidence in what we are doing and where, etc. But not so comfortable that we have stopped challenging ourselves to explore, grow, challenge, and get OUT of our comfort zones. It seems I am seeking comfort still in some areas and pushing myself in others. Like everything it seems to be a balance.

My employer is holding a benefit art show this weekend and I got to purchase my very first piece of art at it last night. I'm going to go to the artists reception later and try to get a picture with the artist, too. It is a beautiful watercolor....

Worth Reading

A great blog post: My Son is Gay

Spiritual Warfare Part Two (or Three?)

I spent the week wondering and sorting through my feelings on this spiritual realm issue. Though odd things kept happening through at least Thursday afternoon, I had a series of very helpful discussions and revelations.

To begin with, I have heard people talk about the devil attacking more the closer a person gets to God. And though I can see some biblical basis for that if we twist the story of Job, I don't believe in that. The idea that we get attacked simply because we are drawing closer to God is ridiculous. Instead, I think in terms of opening myself up to the divine. As I grow deeper in my spiritual life, I take the bad in with the good. As I open myself up to Holy Spirit, it makes sense that I'd begin to understand the darker side as well as the light.

And instead of thinking of it as warfare which would mean I'm on a battlefield daily, I choose to think of those darker forces as a part of creation. Not something to fight against and struggle with but to accept. They're there. They're around. Scriptures tell us they recognize Jesus. And in the demoniac, Jesus is merciful to them. This is not a battle scene.

So I accept that those forces (or whatever you'd like to call them) are there but I'm not fighting against them. My supervisor suggested I simply remind them they're part of God's mysterious creation. I'll let you know what the results are.

Already I can assure you I am much calmer. I'm sorting out what to do with this new addition to my life and weighing it against the overwhelming presence of good that is already alive there.