Uncomfortable

Internship will be an uncomfortable year. Neither good nor bad but uncomfortable.

I'm wondering if this is really our call as Christians, especially as pastors and ministers. Ministry is quite frankly, the most uncomfortable thing I've ever done. It pushes me to deal with everything that blocks me from living the gospel and loving people.

I am hesitant to admit those issues seem numerous. I don't have it all together. I don't have it all figured out. And what's worse? I never will. There will never come a time when I will say, "Yup. I've figured it all out." Does it say anything about me that this is in any way surprising or frustrating?

Or perhaps something about my theology that I want to be in control and be perfect? I wish that weren't the case but the indicators point to "true." So I'm uncomfortable. Trying to figure out how to have a little more grace with myself about who God made me to be... and who I am.

I have believed for a while that our imperfections are problems in need of fixing. The problem is that I know problems need fixing. It can't be wonderful to constantly be late or so worried about being vulnerable that one avoids all human interactions. Help is needed.

On the other hand (and this is what I'm struggling to take hold of), we are whole already. Not broken and busted in need of repair before we are whole... but whole to begin with.

Strange how I can see that about other people - their wholeness and worth and dignity - but miss it in my own person. I'm going to work on loving myself as God does... and not just my neighbor.

Blessings on your Thanksgivings. I give thanks to God for a place to vent my worries and share my joys and for each of you who reads this. ;)