Okay, I've been processing and attempting to step out of the spiral. My other supervisor's question about it is around that whole "DO vs. BE" thing I've been struggling with (on internship and throughout my entire life). His phrasing: "Performance vs. Service."
For more explanation: if my motivation is service, I can fail at performance and think, "Oh well. I tried." Whereas, if performing well was the goal, and I didn't do a task well, I've failed completely.
So, re: the shame spiral (about depression being apparent), we know what the performance side of me is thinking - failure!!! What does the servant side say?
I believe it would say something about connecting with people who are also struggling with depression. Using the things I am struggling with to then engage the world. To present myself and say that I am a work in progress just as they are (whatever their age).
The servant side might say something about grace. God's grace. Other's grace for me (as is abundantly evident by your comments on the former post about this). And something about having a little grace for myself. As Nikki said, I take myself too seriously.
So for now, I'm going to work on being unabashedly, unashamedly, unapologetically ME. Here's goes nothing.
Saturday, April 02, 2011
Friday, April 01, 2011
Mayday! Mayday! Shame Spiral Occuring!
I asked one of my supervisors about a question on my mid-year evaluation. About ministering in the wilderness. On the evaluation, they both asked me to explore my call and the question of whether or not I was called into the wilderness. From what I gather from his answer, I've been dwelling too much on missing people and it seems to be a looming (or present) pitfall to my ministry.
So of course as I start to process this, I think, well SHIT. My missing people has played an adverse affect on my ministry! So I'm feeling ashamed that it is so apparent and wondering what is WRONG with me (shame words) that I can't simply be present here and learn ministry here and establish relationships here. I feel ashamed that I am not doing better and I wonder if they regret having me as their intern.
My brain goes in two directions:
The first is denial and some anger: Of COURSE I'm missing my people. I'm in Montana! I'm alone on internship trying to learn how to do ministry! Of course I'm lonely! Of course that is going to be apparent as I work on figuring myself out. To presume otherwise would be just as large an issue.
The second is curiosity: I can choose to see this as an opportunity for growth and understanding. Because this isn't the first time I've heard this. My CPE supervisor two summers ago said the same thing about my missing people. He thought it was not the general, "I miss you" that all people experience but something more. So I say thanks for the insight and take it to my therapist and spiritual director.
Shame is such a nasty thing. Doubting who we are at the very core of who we are. Not just guilt. Shame. Being ashamed that I struggle with depression. Being ashamed that I shared these struggles with being alone. Being ashamed in feeling like I have let people down, not only my supervisors, but my congregations of people I am ministering to. Perhaps even feeling like I let down the seminary, my home church, the ELCA...
Send prayer. I'm on the shame spiral.
So of course as I start to process this, I think, well SHIT. My missing people has played an adverse affect on my ministry! So I'm feeling ashamed that it is so apparent and wondering what is WRONG with me (shame words) that I can't simply be present here and learn ministry here and establish relationships here. I feel ashamed that I am not doing better and I wonder if they regret having me as their intern.
My brain goes in two directions:
The first is denial and some anger: Of COURSE I'm missing my people. I'm in Montana! I'm alone on internship trying to learn how to do ministry! Of course I'm lonely! Of course that is going to be apparent as I work on figuring myself out. To presume otherwise would be just as large an issue.
The second is curiosity: I can choose to see this as an opportunity for growth and understanding. Because this isn't the first time I've heard this. My CPE supervisor two summers ago said the same thing about my missing people. He thought it was not the general, "I miss you" that all people experience but something more. So I say thanks for the insight and take it to my therapist and spiritual director.Shame is such a nasty thing. Doubting who we are at the very core of who we are. Not just guilt. Shame. Being ashamed that I struggle with depression. Being ashamed that I shared these struggles with being alone. Being ashamed in feeling like I have let people down, not only my supervisors, but my congregations of people I am ministering to. Perhaps even feeling like I let down the seminary, my home church, the ELCA...
Send prayer. I'm on the shame spiral.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Faith Stories - David
1 Samuel 16:1-13
16:1 The LORD said to Samuel, "How long will you grieve over Saul? I have rejected him from being king over Israel. Fill your horn with oil and set out; I will send you to Jesse the Bethlehemite, for I have provided for myself a king among his sons." Samuel said, "How can I go? If Saul hears of it, he will kill me." And the LORD said, "Take a heifer with you, and say, 'I have come to sacrifice to the LORD.' Invite Jesse to the sacrifice, and I will show you what you shall do; and you shall anoint for me the one whom I name to you."
Samuel did what the LORD commanded, and came to Bethlehem. The elders of the city came to meet him trembling, and said, "Do you come peaceably?" He said, "Peaceably; I have come to sacrifice to the LORD; sanctify yourselves and come with me to the sacrifice." And he sanctified Jesse and his sons and invited them to the sacrifice.
When they came, he looked on Eliab and thought, "Surely the Lord's anointed is now before the LORD." But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for the LORD does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart." Then Jesse called Abinadab, and made him pass before Samuel. He said, "Neither has the LORD chosen this one." Then Jesse made Shammah pass by. And he said, "Neither has the LORD chosen this one."
Jesse made seven of his sons pass before Samuel, and Samuel said to Jesse, "The LORD has not chosen any of these." Samuel said to Jesse, "Are all your sons here?" And he said, "There remains yet the youngest, but he is keeping the sheep." And Samuel said to Jesse, "Send and bring him; for we will not sit down until he comes here."
He sent and brought him in. Now he was ruddy, and had beautiful eyes, and was handsome. The LORD said, "Rise and anoint him; for this is the one." Then Samuel took the horn of oil, and anointed him in the presence of his brothers; and the spirit of the LORD came mightily upon David from that day forward. Samuel then set out and went to Ramah.
We began our faith stories journey as a people called from our comfortable places into desert places. We began our journey walking in faith.
Then we lingered in the desert together, thirsty for water. Water flowed from a rock and we were reminded that God provides abundantly, even in places and times of scarcity.
And today, we find that we, as children of God, are seen for more than what we appear to be. We are shone that God truly sees us, the real us.
When you hear this story of Samuel and David, where do you see yourself? What character do you identify with? Are you like Samuel, the one constantly acknowledging the spirit of God in others? Lifting up others? Helping others?
Are you like Eliab or Abinidad, the child or sibling that has been left behind while another has been chosen? Are you like Jesse, the parent anxiously watching someone evaluate your children?
Or are you more like David, the one not worthy to be seen? The unexpected Cinderella, the underdog, the biblical dark horse. At one point, we've all been there, in David's shoes. I can't say I've fought any Goliath's, but I've certainly felt unworthy.
And, like the rest of the characters in the story, we'd likely be wondering what God was up to when David, the youngest son, the shepherd, was chosen by God and anointed by Samuel. Just like the Israelites in the desert, wondering why Moses was hitting a rock with a stick. It doesn't make sense. God doesn't make sense.
I'm not sure how many of you know I have tattoos. The one on my shoulder blade is a bird inscribed with the word Sibling. My sibling has the matching one on his calf. And I love the confused look on people's faces when I say the bird is a black crow. Not some lovely peaceful dove. Not some precious canary or colorful parrot, but a crow. A bird widely despised by many people is the bird I chose to get inked into my body.
But despite the stigma crows have in our society today, some legends and mythology about crows show them to be creatures of high intelligence and protectors of all creation. In one legend, the great crow bring fires to a world dying from cold. In another, a crow brings light to a people lost in darkness. In another, crows rescue creation from a burning world. In each case, the once beautiful white or multi colored birds are burnt and covered in ash and become black. Their blackness is seen, not as a punishment, but as a mark of the service they rendered to others.
I proudly wear my black crow as a reminder to myself that ministry is much more than standing in a pulpit and preaching. It is a life of service, of caring for creation. And as I explore my call to ministry on this internship, this crow is a reminder that God calls some unexpected people into service. I look at the great ancestors of the faith and laugh. In our perfect savior's lineage and our biblical family we have prostitutes, drunks, adulterers, liars, thieves, and murderers.
God chooses the unexpected. Chooses to work in unexpected ways. Chooses to accept the appearance of something and then look beyond it. Look into it. God chooses Abram. God causes rocks to give thirsty people water. God chooses David to be King. God chooses us to be God's people. Daughters and sons that are not perfect, that do not often look the part, but are children of God all the same.
A lot of it boils down to identity. What we defines ourselves with. If we define ourselves based on the outward appearance, our job, our house, our bodies, our clothes, our cars, we will forever be striving for perfection. It's like believing only the flashiest, most eye grabbing cover of a book will cause people to pick it up and read it.
But we are more than our book covers. We are the pages of rich stories within. And as baptized believers, children of God, we can also be confident that our stories are being heard. We give each other the gift of storytelling both as we share and as we listen. And of course, were two or more are gathered... we believe that God is with us. I imagine the holy spirit hanging on our every word, basking in the power and beauty of our unique stories.
In our baptisms, we were marked in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. We were anointed, like David. In the baptismal waters, we find our identity as God's children. You have a story to tell. You have an audience to hear your story. Will you share it?
16:1 The LORD said to Samuel, "How long will you grieve over Saul? I have rejected him from being king over Israel. Fill your horn with oil and set out; I will send you to Jesse the Bethlehemite, for I have provided for myself a king among his sons." Samuel said, "How can I go? If Saul hears of it, he will kill me." And the LORD said, "Take a heifer with you, and say, 'I have come to sacrifice to the LORD.' Invite Jesse to the sacrifice, and I will show you what you shall do; and you shall anoint for me the one whom I name to you."
Samuel did what the LORD commanded, and came to Bethlehem. The elders of the city came to meet him trembling, and said, "Do you come peaceably?" He said, "Peaceably; I have come to sacrifice to the LORD; sanctify yourselves and come with me to the sacrifice." And he sanctified Jesse and his sons and invited them to the sacrifice.
When they came, he looked on Eliab and thought, "Surely the Lord's anointed is now before the LORD." But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for the LORD does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart." Then Jesse called Abinadab, and made him pass before Samuel. He said, "Neither has the LORD chosen this one." Then Jesse made Shammah pass by. And he said, "Neither has the LORD chosen this one."
Jesse made seven of his sons pass before Samuel, and Samuel said to Jesse, "The LORD has not chosen any of these." Samuel said to Jesse, "Are all your sons here?" And he said, "There remains yet the youngest, but he is keeping the sheep." And Samuel said to Jesse, "Send and bring him; for we will not sit down until he comes here."
He sent and brought him in. Now he was ruddy, and had beautiful eyes, and was handsome. The LORD said, "Rise and anoint him; for this is the one." Then Samuel took the horn of oil, and anointed him in the presence of his brothers; and the spirit of the LORD came mightily upon David from that day forward. Samuel then set out and went to Ramah.
We began our faith stories journey as a people called from our comfortable places into desert places. We began our journey walking in faith.
Then we lingered in the desert together, thirsty for water. Water flowed from a rock and we were reminded that God provides abundantly, even in places and times of scarcity.
And today, we find that we, as children of God, are seen for more than what we appear to be. We are shone that God truly sees us, the real us.
When you hear this story of Samuel and David, where do you see yourself? What character do you identify with? Are you like Samuel, the one constantly acknowledging the spirit of God in others? Lifting up others? Helping others?
Are you like Eliab or Abinidad, the child or sibling that has been left behind while another has been chosen? Are you like Jesse, the parent anxiously watching someone evaluate your children?
Or are you more like David, the one not worthy to be seen? The unexpected Cinderella, the underdog, the biblical dark horse. At one point, we've all been there, in David's shoes. I can't say I've fought any Goliath's, but I've certainly felt unworthy.
And, like the rest of the characters in the story, we'd likely be wondering what God was up to when David, the youngest son, the shepherd, was chosen by God and anointed by Samuel. Just like the Israelites in the desert, wondering why Moses was hitting a rock with a stick. It doesn't make sense. God doesn't make sense.
I'm not sure how many of you know I have tattoos. The one on my shoulder blade is a bird inscribed with the word Sibling. My sibling has the matching one on his calf. And I love the confused look on people's faces when I say the bird is a black crow. Not some lovely peaceful dove. Not some precious canary or colorful parrot, but a crow. A bird widely despised by many people is the bird I chose to get inked into my body.
But despite the stigma crows have in our society today, some legends and mythology about crows show them to be creatures of high intelligence and protectors of all creation. In one legend, the great crow bring fires to a world dying from cold. In another, a crow brings light to a people lost in darkness. In another, crows rescue creation from a burning world. In each case, the once beautiful white or multi colored birds are burnt and covered in ash and become black. Their blackness is seen, not as a punishment, but as a mark of the service they rendered to others.
I proudly wear my black crow as a reminder to myself that ministry is much more than standing in a pulpit and preaching. It is a life of service, of caring for creation. And as I explore my call to ministry on this internship, this crow is a reminder that God calls some unexpected people into service. I look at the great ancestors of the faith and laugh. In our perfect savior's lineage and our biblical family we have prostitutes, drunks, adulterers, liars, thieves, and murderers.
God chooses the unexpected. Chooses to work in unexpected ways. Chooses to accept the appearance of something and then look beyond it. Look into it. God chooses Abram. God causes rocks to give thirsty people water. God chooses David to be King. God chooses us to be God's people. Daughters and sons that are not perfect, that do not often look the part, but are children of God all the same.
A lot of it boils down to identity. What we defines ourselves with. If we define ourselves based on the outward appearance, our job, our house, our bodies, our clothes, our cars, we will forever be striving for perfection. It's like believing only the flashiest, most eye grabbing cover of a book will cause people to pick it up and read it.
But we are more than our book covers. We are the pages of rich stories within. And as baptized believers, children of God, we can also be confident that our stories are being heard. We give each other the gift of storytelling both as we share and as we listen. And of course, were two or more are gathered... we believe that God is with us. I imagine the holy spirit hanging on our every word, basking in the power and beauty of our unique stories.
In our baptisms, we were marked in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. We were anointed, like David. In the baptismal waters, we find our identity as God's children. You have a story to tell. You have an audience to hear your story. Will you share it?
Did you ever wonder why I got a crow tattoo?
Did you ever wonder why I got a crow tattoo? It was instigated by State Radio and their call to action being symbolized with a crow. It was through them that I first heard the Native American legend about the crow rescuing the whole world and being turned black in the process. The crow is my constant reminder to get out of the pulpit and into the world. This is one version of that story.
retold by
S. E. Schlosser
It was so cold. Snow fell constantly, and ice formed over all the waters. The animals had never seen snow before. At first, it was a novelty, something to play in. But the cold increased tenfold, and they began to worry. The little animals were being buried in the snow drifts and the larger animals could hardly walk because the snow was so deep. Soon, all would perish if something were not done.
"We must send a messenger to Kijiamuh Ka'ong, the Creator Who Creates By Thinking What Will Be," said Wise Owl. "We must ask him to think the world warm again so that Spirit Snow will leave us in peace."
The animals were pleased with this plan. They began to debate among themselves, trying to decide who to send up to the Creator. Wise Owl could not see well during the daylight, so he could not go. Coyote was easily distracted and like playing tricks, so he could not be trusted. Turtle was steady and stable, but he crawled too slowly. Finally, Rainbow Crow, the most beautiful of all the birds with shimmering feathers of rainbow hues and an enchanting singing voice, was chosen to go to Kijiamuh Ka'ong.
It was an arduous journey, three days up and up into the heavens, passed the trees and clouds, beyond the sun and the moon, and even above all the stars. He was buffeted by winds and had no place to rest, but he carried bravely on until he reached Heaven. When Rainbow Crow reached the Holy Place, he called out to the Creator, but received no answer. The Creator was too busy thinking up what would be to notice even the most beautiful of birds. So Rainbow Crow began to sing his most beautiful song.
The Creator was drawn from his thoughts by the lovely sound, and came to see which bird was making it. He greeted Rainbow Crow kindly and asked what gift he could give the noble bird in exchange for his song. Rainbow Crow asked the Creator to un-think the snow, so that the animals of Earth would not be buried and freeze to death. But the Creator told Rainbow Crow that the snow and the ice had spirits of their own and could not be destroyed.
"What shall we do then?" asked the Rainbow Crow. "We will all freeze or smother under the snow."
"You will not freeze," the Creator reassured him, "For I will think of Fire, something that will warm all creatures during the cold times."
The Creator stuck a stick into the blazing hot sun. The end blazed with a bright, glowing fire which burned brightly and gave off heat. "This is Fire," he told Rainbow Crow, handing him the cool end of the stick. "You must hurry to Earth as fast as you can fly before the stick burns up."
Rainbow Crow nodded his thanks to the Creator and flew as fast as he could go. It was a three-day trip to Heaven, and he was worried that the Fire would burn out before he reached the Earth. The stick was large and heavy, but the fire kept Rainbow Crow warm as he descended from Heaven down to the bright path of the stars. Then the Fire grew hot as it came closer to Rainbow Crows feathers. As he flew past the Sun, his tail caught on fire, turning the shimmering beautiful feathers black. By the time he flew passed the Moon, his whole body was black with soot from the hot Fire. When he plunged into the Sky and flew through the clouds, the smoke got into his throat, strangling his beautiful singing voice.
By the time Rainbow Crow landed among the freezing-cold animals of Earth, he was black as tar and could only Caw instead of sing. He delivered the fire to the animals, and they melted the snow and warmed themselves, rescuing the littlest animals from the snow drifts where they lay buried.
It was a time of rejoicing, for Tindeh - Fire - had come to Earth. But Rainbow Crow sat apart, saddened by his dull, ugly feathers and his rasping voice. Then he felt the touch of wind on his face. He looked up and saw the Creator Who Creates By Thinking What Will Be walking toward him.
"Do not be sad, Rainbow Crow," the Creator said. "All animals will honor you for the sacrifice you made for them. And when the people come, they will not hunt you, for I have made your flesh taste of smoke so that it is no good to eat and your black feathers and hoarse voice will prevent man from putting you into a cage to sing for him. You will be free."
Then the Creator pointed to Rainbow Crow's black feathers. Before his eyes, Rainbow Crow saw the dull feathers become shiny and inside each one, he could see all the colors of the rainbow. "This will remind everyone who sees you of the service you have been to your people," he said, "and the sacrifice you made that saved them all."
And so shall it ever be.
Rainbow Crow
(Lenni Lenape Tribe)retold by
S. E. Schlosser
It was so cold. Snow fell constantly, and ice formed over all the waters. The animals had never seen snow before. At first, it was a novelty, something to play in. But the cold increased tenfold, and they began to worry. The little animals were being buried in the snow drifts and the larger animals could hardly walk because the snow was so deep. Soon, all would perish if something were not done.
"We must send a messenger to Kijiamuh Ka'ong, the Creator Who Creates By Thinking What Will Be," said Wise Owl. "We must ask him to think the world warm again so that Spirit Snow will leave us in peace."
The animals were pleased with this plan. They began to debate among themselves, trying to decide who to send up to the Creator. Wise Owl could not see well during the daylight, so he could not go. Coyote was easily distracted and like playing tricks, so he could not be trusted. Turtle was steady and stable, but he crawled too slowly. Finally, Rainbow Crow, the most beautiful of all the birds with shimmering feathers of rainbow hues and an enchanting singing voice, was chosen to go to Kijiamuh Ka'ong.
It was an arduous journey, three days up and up into the heavens, passed the trees and clouds, beyond the sun and the moon, and even above all the stars. He was buffeted by winds and had no place to rest, but he carried bravely on until he reached Heaven. When Rainbow Crow reached the Holy Place, he called out to the Creator, but received no answer. The Creator was too busy thinking up what would be to notice even the most beautiful of birds. So Rainbow Crow began to sing his most beautiful song.
The Creator was drawn from his thoughts by the lovely sound, and came to see which bird was making it. He greeted Rainbow Crow kindly and asked what gift he could give the noble bird in exchange for his song. Rainbow Crow asked the Creator to un-think the snow, so that the animals of Earth would not be buried and freeze to death. But the Creator told Rainbow Crow that the snow and the ice had spirits of their own and could not be destroyed.
"What shall we do then?" asked the Rainbow Crow. "We will all freeze or smother under the snow."
"You will not freeze," the Creator reassured him, "For I will think of Fire, something that will warm all creatures during the cold times."
The Creator stuck a stick into the blazing hot sun. The end blazed with a bright, glowing fire which burned brightly and gave off heat. "This is Fire," he told Rainbow Crow, handing him the cool end of the stick. "You must hurry to Earth as fast as you can fly before the stick burns up."
Rainbow Crow nodded his thanks to the Creator and flew as fast as he could go. It was a three-day trip to Heaven, and he was worried that the Fire would burn out before he reached the Earth. The stick was large and heavy, but the fire kept Rainbow Crow warm as he descended from Heaven down to the bright path of the stars. Then the Fire grew hot as it came closer to Rainbow Crows feathers. As he flew past the Sun, his tail caught on fire, turning the shimmering beautiful feathers black. By the time he flew passed the Moon, his whole body was black with soot from the hot Fire. When he plunged into the Sky and flew through the clouds, the smoke got into his throat, strangling his beautiful singing voice.
By the time Rainbow Crow landed among the freezing-cold animals of Earth, he was black as tar and could only Caw instead of sing. He delivered the fire to the animals, and they melted the snow and warmed themselves, rescuing the littlest animals from the snow drifts where they lay buried.
It was a time of rejoicing, for Tindeh - Fire - had come to Earth. But Rainbow Crow sat apart, saddened by his dull, ugly feathers and his rasping voice. Then he felt the touch of wind on his face. He looked up and saw the Creator Who Creates By Thinking What Will Be walking toward him.
"Do not be sad, Rainbow Crow," the Creator said. "All animals will honor you for the sacrifice you made for them. And when the people come, they will not hunt you, for I have made your flesh taste of smoke so that it is no good to eat and your black feathers and hoarse voice will prevent man from putting you into a cage to sing for him. You will be free."
Then the Creator pointed to Rainbow Crow's black feathers. Before his eyes, Rainbow Crow saw the dull feathers become shiny and inside each one, he could see all the colors of the rainbow. "This will remind everyone who sees you of the service you have been to your people," he said, "and the sacrifice you made that saved them all."
And so shall it ever be.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Music Madness
There's something lovely and amazing about music. And I delight in discovering new artists to love on. I've been allowing myself a trip to Best Buy for music every other week or so. It turns out that CD's are pretty darn cheap! I've gotten so used to buying songs on iTunes that I forget. And the truth - I've missed those little plastic cases and the quirky way an artist presents each new album.
What I've been listening to this year so far:
The New Pornographers -Together
(Catchy and light and very playable. Check out their video for Moves on their website.)
Mumford and Sons - Sigh No More
(aforementioned <3 )
Florence and the Machine - Lungs
(Lots of good stuff beyond the catchy Dog Days song)
The Black Keys - Brothers
(Recall Chop and Change on the Twilight soundtrack? There's plenty more where that came from. Great disc to drive to with the windows down.)
Missy Higgins - On A Clear Night
(Discovered her through Pandora but you might know the track, Where I Stood)
The Decemberists - The King Is Dead
(A beautiful blend of sounds. As ever, I adore that sound. This album is their best yet.)
Erin McCarley - Love Save the Empty
(Another Pandora discovery. The title track is fantastic.)
David Gray - Foundling
(Dahan and I agreed that we'd purchase an album of David Gray singing the ABC's. I love me some David Gray.)
Then I've downloaded a lot of odds and ends on iTunes that I'm enjoying like:
Sweet Sweet Heartkiller by Say Hi To Your Mom (that track is from 2006 but they've got newer stuff that I'm exploring)
Peter Bradley Adams
Maximum Balloon
Also, I've been getting back into country. Blame in on MT. Or blame it on Sibling's girlfriend who made me a mix. I've always loved it but it is greatly frowned upon in the modern music scene that sometimes I'm a bit quieter about that. But it's true. Yes, I love country. Even the cheesy stuff!!!
Happy hunting. Many of those sites I linked have players where you can listen to their music for free. Go. Sample. Enjoy. Draw good music unto yourself!!!!
What I've been listening to this year so far:
The New Pornographers -Together(Catchy and light and very playable. Check out their video for Moves on their website.)
Mumford and Sons - Sigh No More
(aforementioned <3 )
Florence and the Machine - Lungs
(Lots of good stuff beyond the catchy Dog Days song)
The Black Keys - Brothers
(Recall Chop and Change on the Twilight soundtrack? There's plenty more where that came from. Great disc to drive to with the windows down.)
Missy Higgins - On A Clear Night
(Discovered her through Pandora but you might know the track, Where I Stood)
The Decemberists - The King Is Dead
(A beautiful blend of sounds. As ever, I adore that sound. This album is their best yet.)
Erin McCarley - Love Save the Empty(Another Pandora discovery. The title track is fantastic.)
David Gray - Foundling
(Dahan and I agreed that we'd purchase an album of David Gray singing the ABC's. I love me some David Gray.)
Then I've downloaded a lot of odds and ends on iTunes that I'm enjoying like:
Sweet Sweet Heartkiller by Say Hi To Your Mom (that track is from 2006 but they've got newer stuff that I'm exploring)
Peter Bradley Adams
Maximum Balloon
Also, I've been getting back into country. Blame in on MT. Or blame it on Sibling's girlfriend who made me a mix. I've always loved it but it is greatly frowned upon in the modern music scene that sometimes I'm a bit quieter about that. But it's true. Yes, I love country. Even the cheesy stuff!!!
Happy hunting. Many of those sites I linked have players where you can listen to their music for free. Go. Sample. Enjoy. Draw good music unto yourself!!!!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Faith Stories - Scarcity and Abundance
Exodus 17:1-7
From the wilderness of Sin the whole congregation of the Israelites journeyed by stages, as the LORD commanded. They camped at Rephidim, but there was no water for the people to drink. The people quarreled with Moses, and said, "Give us water to drink." Moses said to them, "Why do you quarrel with me? Why do you test the LORD?"
But the people thirsted there for water; and the people complained against Moses and said, "Why did you bring us out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and livestock with thirst?" So Moses cried out to the LORD, "What shall I do with this people? They are almost ready to stone me."
The LORD said to Moses, "Go on ahead of the people, and take some of the elders of Israel with you; take in your hand the staff with which you struck the Nile, and go. I will be standing there in front of you on the rock at Horeb. Strike the rock, and water will come out of it, so that the people may drink." Moses did so, in the sight of the elders of Israel.
He called the place Massah and Meribah, because the Israelites quarreled and tested the LORD, saying, "Is the LORD among us or not?"
Water coming from a rock seems like a bit of a far stretch. Then again, so does manna from heaven. And so does the Son of God rising to new life here on Earth. But these are not stories about miracles or magic as much as they are about a God who provides for people thirsty and hungry for something more.
One of my favorite New Testament passages is the feeding of the 5,000. I love how the disciples bicker about where they are going to get enough food to feed 5,000 people. I love how Jesus calmly asks them for their few loaves of bread and few fish. I love that there is abundance where there was one scarcity.
Even more than this, I love the unbelievability of this story. And I love how the unbelievability doesn't matter. A person once told me that they did not believe the bread and fish magically multiplied as it was being passed through the rows and groups of people. He thought that the miracle of this story was that each person added to the basket what little they had, their scraps, their leftovers from their own pockets, and fed each other. The miraculous is not necessarily in the how. It is not hidden in the details. It is the entire story - the fact that Jesus fed a restless crowd of 5,000 a meal of simple bread and fish and all were satisfied.
So when I hear about these people complaining in the desert and thirsting for water, I hear the disciples whining. I even hear our complaining and our groaning. Most especially when we look at our bank accounts, wallets, and budgets. When we look at the world around us and wonder how all these people can be fed. When we see natural disasters and $300 billion dollars in damage from the earthquake and tsunami. We see scarcity everywhere we look.
And if we look back at our own faith stories, we will remember times of scarcity. And we will also remember times of abundance. If you look closely, you will be able to see how this abundance came from scarcity. It came from unexpected places. From impossible places. Money coming through when it was desperately needed and absolutely not expected. Housing when there was none. Food when there was none. Needs being met in strange and extraordinary ways.
In my own story there are small examples and big examples. Small things like needing professional clothing but not having a ton of money to get a new wardrobe... and then a friend who had lost weight do to unexpected surgery and needed someone to take her clothing. Half the things you see me wear are from her wardrobe. Her needs met my needs completely.
The time between graduating and beginning seminary when I needed a place to live that wouldn't cost me an arm and a leg. I also needed a job. And then the parent's of two little girls I babysat for asking me if I'd be interested in moving into their downstairs bedroom and being a nanny. Free rent and a job with a family I adored? Abundance out of scarcity.
Simple things like needing someone to talk to and a friend calling out of the blue. Wondering what I would cook for supper seconds before someone invites me over to eat with them. A unexpected check or refund when my bank account was declining. Grace when I was expecting the worst.
And I choose to see God in all of this. In the story of Moses and the rock, God's presence is very clear. Explicitly. But the simple act of striking a rock and seeing water burst forth is does not appear, on the surface, to be God's act. That's Moses. That's a stick. That's a rock. But I assure you, that's God. Answering the loud prayers and quiet pleas of thirsty people.
Look back at your story and find God there. Find God in the abundance out of scarcity. In water from a rock. In unexpected places. In impossible places. And as you look back and picture the story altogether in all its pieces you will see that our story is not finished. And when we look around at the scarcity that seems to swallow the world, we will begin to see our God of abundance at work. Making impossible things possible. This is the God of our story, at work in every place we see need.
Where has scarcity led to abundance in your story?
From the wilderness of Sin the whole congregation of the Israelites journeyed by stages, as the LORD commanded. They camped at Rephidim, but there was no water for the people to drink. The people quarreled with Moses, and said, "Give us water to drink." Moses said to them, "Why do you quarrel with me? Why do you test the LORD?"
But the people thirsted there for water; and the people complained against Moses and said, "Why did you bring us out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and livestock with thirst?" So Moses cried out to the LORD, "What shall I do with this people? They are almost ready to stone me."
The LORD said to Moses, "Go on ahead of the people, and take some of the elders of Israel with you; take in your hand the staff with which you struck the Nile, and go. I will be standing there in front of you on the rock at Horeb. Strike the rock, and water will come out of it, so that the people may drink." Moses did so, in the sight of the elders of Israel.
He called the place Massah and Meribah, because the Israelites quarreled and tested the LORD, saying, "Is the LORD among us or not?"
Water coming from a rock seems like a bit of a far stretch. Then again, so does manna from heaven. And so does the Son of God rising to new life here on Earth. But these are not stories about miracles or magic as much as they are about a God who provides for people thirsty and hungry for something more.
One of my favorite New Testament passages is the feeding of the 5,000. I love how the disciples bicker about where they are going to get enough food to feed 5,000 people. I love how Jesus calmly asks them for their few loaves of bread and few fish. I love that there is abundance where there was one scarcity.
Even more than this, I love the unbelievability of this story. And I love how the unbelievability doesn't matter. A person once told me that they did not believe the bread and fish magically multiplied as it was being passed through the rows and groups of people. He thought that the miracle of this story was that each person added to the basket what little they had, their scraps, their leftovers from their own pockets, and fed each other. The miraculous is not necessarily in the how. It is not hidden in the details. It is the entire story - the fact that Jesus fed a restless crowd of 5,000 a meal of simple bread and fish and all were satisfied.
So when I hear about these people complaining in the desert and thirsting for water, I hear the disciples whining. I even hear our complaining and our groaning. Most especially when we look at our bank accounts, wallets, and budgets. When we look at the world around us and wonder how all these people can be fed. When we see natural disasters and $300 billion dollars in damage from the earthquake and tsunami. We see scarcity everywhere we look.
And if we look back at our own faith stories, we will remember times of scarcity. And we will also remember times of abundance. If you look closely, you will be able to see how this abundance came from scarcity. It came from unexpected places. From impossible places. Money coming through when it was desperately needed and absolutely not expected. Housing when there was none. Food when there was none. Needs being met in strange and extraordinary ways.
In my own story there are small examples and big examples. Small things like needing professional clothing but not having a ton of money to get a new wardrobe... and then a friend who had lost weight do to unexpected surgery and needed someone to take her clothing. Half the things you see me wear are from her wardrobe. Her needs met my needs completely.
The time between graduating and beginning seminary when I needed a place to live that wouldn't cost me an arm and a leg. I also needed a job. And then the parent's of two little girls I babysat for asking me if I'd be interested in moving into their downstairs bedroom and being a nanny. Free rent and a job with a family I adored? Abundance out of scarcity.
Simple things like needing someone to talk to and a friend calling out of the blue. Wondering what I would cook for supper seconds before someone invites me over to eat with them. A unexpected check or refund when my bank account was declining. Grace when I was expecting the worst.
And I choose to see God in all of this. In the story of Moses and the rock, God's presence is very clear. Explicitly. But the simple act of striking a rock and seeing water burst forth is does not appear, on the surface, to be God's act. That's Moses. That's a stick. That's a rock. But I assure you, that's God. Answering the loud prayers and quiet pleas of thirsty people.
Look back at your story and find God there. Find God in the abundance out of scarcity. In water from a rock. In unexpected places. In impossible places. And as you look back and picture the story altogether in all its pieces you will see that our story is not finished. And when we look around at the scarcity that seems to swallow the world, we will begin to see our God of abundance at work. Making impossible things possible. This is the God of our story, at work in every place we see need.
Where has scarcity led to abundance in your story?
Weariness and Hope
I just read a highly conservative online Christian publication insulting one of my role models, Nadia Bolz-Weber, by calling her a "pastor" (yes, with quotes as if she is not a real pastor) and then calling her a pastrix. I want to weep.
But when that article began insulting Outlaw Preachers, I knew they'd be right up my alley. Outlaw Preachers (http://www.outlawpreachers.com/) give me hope. The House for All Saints and Sinners (http://www.houseforall.org/) gives me hope. They're having a Beer and Hymns night at Hamburger Mary's - anyone up for a road trip? And my buddy Kevin mentioned The 99 Collective (http://the99collective.com/).
It's just nice to know that as soon as I begin to get weary of this exhausting thing called ministry and the difficulties presented with it given that I am a young, liberal, female intern in the ELCA... I can find places of hope for the new church.
Thanks be to God for the hope of a brighter tomorrow.
But when that article began insulting Outlaw Preachers, I knew they'd be right up my alley. Outlaw Preachers (http://www.outlawpreachers.com/) give me hope. The House for All Saints and Sinners (http://www.houseforall.org/) gives me hope. They're having a Beer and Hymns night at Hamburger Mary's - anyone up for a road trip? And my buddy Kevin mentioned The 99 Collective (http://the99collective.com/).
It's just nice to know that as soon as I begin to get weary of this exhausting thing called ministry and the difficulties presented with it given that I am a young, liberal, female intern in the ELCA... I can find places of hope for the new church.
Thanks be to God for the hope of a brighter tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Enneagram
Ever done an enneagram inventory? Take the test: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/dis_sample_36.asp
Well I'm a 2. A helper. Though the downside to this is (they say) I project my helping attitude onto others when in turn it is what I am seeking for myself. So a lot of the helpful tidbits I get sent via the EnneaThought for the Day are about taking care of myself and not using others.
All that aside, my EnneaThought today was perfect seeing that it fell on the day of my mid year evaluation.
Learn from this universal truth: Once we understand "not doing," we see that the real struggle is to relax into greater awareness so that we can see the manifestations of our personality. By neither acting on our automatic impulses nor suppressing them, we begin to understand what is causing them to arise. (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 346)
Sounds like a good focus for the last half of internship, eh?
Well I'm a 2. A helper. Though the downside to this is (they say) I project my helping attitude onto others when in turn it is what I am seeking for myself. So a lot of the helpful tidbits I get sent via the EnneaThought for the Day are about taking care of myself and not using others.
All that aside, my EnneaThought today was perfect seeing that it fell on the day of my mid year evaluation.
Learn from this universal truth: Once we understand "not doing," we see that the real struggle is to relax into greater awareness so that we can see the manifestations of our personality. By neither acting on our automatic impulses nor suppressing them, we begin to understand what is causing them to arise. (The Wisdom of the Enneagram, 346)
Sounds like a good focus for the last half of internship, eh?
Internship Mid Year Evaluation
Please describe your best gifts and passions for ministry.
I have been reflecting most on the gift on sunshine. A while ago my mother called me her Susie Sunshine but then during CPE I experienced my desire to cheer people up in a new way - it was not always welcome, desired, or the right pastoral care move. People experienced me as overly cheerful and thus off putting. I realized part of this desire to cheer up people who were in the hospital came from making rounds with my father, who is a doctor, when I was younger. I was the cute little girl who would cheer up the ailing patients. During CPE my greatest lesson was to simply sit and visit without the need to cheer people up. In the end, listening is one of the greatest gifts I can offer. Hearing someone's story or holding someone's pain. While this was a wonderful lesson, I ended up denying or rejecting my sunshine gift.
On internship, I have been able to reassess my sunshine status and see it is a more positive way. I have come to realize that I truly have a gift of sunshine - of brightening up someone's day by sharing a hug or smile, listening to someone's story, or bringing communion or scripture. The difference now is my motivation. Before I believe I wanted to cheer people up so I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable with their illness and the darkness of the world and within me. Now I seek to offer people the hope and peace of Christ wherever they are at. I smile in worship because I enjoy worshipping. I hug people because I genuinely care. I sit and listen to stories because I know they have value and deserve to be truly heard. And people reflect back to me that they enjoy my presence, my joy, my energy.
When reflecting on this with my spiritual director, she reminded me that sunshine has no need to speak. It simply shines. So in ministry, it is not about the correct words or phrases. I don't have to say the right thing. I don't even have to say anything. For me it is the difference between DO and BE. For someone who struggles with perfectionism, I cannot be more grateful for a gift that allows me to simply be present with someone without having to DO anything. I see this sacred sunshine as God's presence with us. The holy. The divine. For where two or more are gathered...
Additionally, "light in the darkness" has become a huge part of my faith. I learned that in accepting the darkness of the world, within us, and within each person, I was better able to understand what the light was. I can more assuredly point to Christ and declare that God is with us in the darkness. God is with me in my depression. God is with all people in their struggles. God is with this all the grieving world. This is why we come to church - to praise the light in the darkness and share stories of how God has been there for us. In this way, we become light for one another.
So in thinking about ministry and my place in God's kingdom, I will sing with all the children of God, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let is shine. Let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine."
I have been reflecting most on the gift on sunshine. A while ago my mother called me her Susie Sunshine but then during CPE I experienced my desire to cheer people up in a new way - it was not always welcome, desired, or the right pastoral care move. People experienced me as overly cheerful and thus off putting. I realized part of this desire to cheer up people who were in the hospital came from making rounds with my father, who is a doctor, when I was younger. I was the cute little girl who would cheer up the ailing patients. During CPE my greatest lesson was to simply sit and visit without the need to cheer people up. In the end, listening is one of the greatest gifts I can offer. Hearing someone's story or holding someone's pain. While this was a wonderful lesson, I ended up denying or rejecting my sunshine gift.
On internship, I have been able to reassess my sunshine status and see it is a more positive way. I have come to realize that I truly have a gift of sunshine - of brightening up someone's day by sharing a hug or smile, listening to someone's story, or bringing communion or scripture. The difference now is my motivation. Before I believe I wanted to cheer people up so I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable with their illness and the darkness of the world and within me. Now I seek to offer people the hope and peace of Christ wherever they are at. I smile in worship because I enjoy worshipping. I hug people because I genuinely care. I sit and listen to stories because I know they have value and deserve to be truly heard. And people reflect back to me that they enjoy my presence, my joy, my energy.
When reflecting on this with my spiritual director, she reminded me that sunshine has no need to speak. It simply shines. So in ministry, it is not about the correct words or phrases. I don't have to say the right thing. I don't even have to say anything. For me it is the difference between DO and BE. For someone who struggles with perfectionism, I cannot be more grateful for a gift that allows me to simply be present with someone without having to DO anything. I see this sacred sunshine as God's presence with us. The holy. The divine. For where two or more are gathered...
Additionally, "light in the darkness" has become a huge part of my faith. I learned that in accepting the darkness of the world, within us, and within each person, I was better able to understand what the light was. I can more assuredly point to Christ and declare that God is with us in the darkness. God is with me in my depression. God is with all people in their struggles. God is with this all the grieving world. This is why we come to church - to praise the light in the darkness and share stories of how God has been there for us. In this way, we become light for one another.
So in thinking about ministry and my place in God's kingdom, I will sing with all the children of God, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let is shine. Let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine."
Monday, March 21, 2011
3 Year Anniversary
It hasn't always been consistent. It has sometimes fallen by the wayside. But it's official - I've had this blog for three years as of Friday!!!
First post: http://tntochicago.blogspot.com/2008/03/beginning-of-back-story.html
Which also means I am three years into the seminary process. What an adventure it has been. A few weeks back my spiritual director suggested I tell the faith story of my internship thus far. And it caused me to reflect on the whole faith story of seminary. The story of call. The story of my life. They are all so intricately woven together.
To my faithful readers: thanks for being around for me to write to. And as always, thanks for reading...
Love,
Red
First post: http://tntochicago.blogspot.com/2008/03/beginning-of-back-story.html
Which also means I am three years into the seminary process. What an adventure it has been. A few weeks back my spiritual director suggested I tell the faith story of my internship thus far. And it caused me to reflect on the whole faith story of seminary. The story of call. The story of my life. They are all so intricately woven together.
To my faithful readers: thanks for being around for me to write to. And as always, thanks for reading...
Love,
Red
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