Big Sky Country

"I took a faithful leap and packed up all my things and all my love." -Ingrid Michaelson

I'm half way through internship. Half way!!! Incredible to constantly remind myself that I am in Montana right now. And I'm very sure this is exactly where I needed to spend my internship year. This is where I had to come. I have already grown and stretched so much since my arrival in August. I have learned about myself, especially in the context of ministry.

BUT I'm trying to be gracious with myself and realize that it doesn't mean I have to ENJOY every minute. As I'm trying to be mindful and take each moment as it comes instead of dwelling in the past or future, I recognize the challenge of being me right now.

It was lovely to go home to TN for a week long vacation but it has been incredibly hard to come back. As my counselor said today about my Montana blues, "These are not your roots. These are not your people. Of course you are lonely." And then my mother seconded and noted I am a single woman learning a profession dominated by (married) males. I'm far away from family and friends that know me. I'm doing an internship which is this awkward push and pull of having skills enough to give it a go but not having enough (polished) skills to make it easy or without frequent mistakes. I'm in the odd in between of not knowing enough and having to do it anyway. Three cheers for God's grace! 

So I'll say I'm grateful to be here in Big Sky Country, learning ministry from two fantastic, gracious, and capable supervisors and several very loving communities of people. I'm grateful for my quirky intern house. I'm grateful for the room to make mistakes (re: Dixie Chicks' song). I'm looking forward to telling people for the rest of my life that I spent a year in Montana. There couldn't have been a better place for me to come to. My soul sighed when I came here. :)

I'm also ready to be back in Chicago with my seminary people who understand me. Ready to be around people who get me, see me, know where I'm coming from and get why I'm passionate about what I'm passionate about. I'm ready to do the kind of ministry I was created for (which I'm discovering at this point in my life is not senior care). I'm ready for the next big adventure.

Salty, holy, lighted people who are pissed off

Matthew 5:38-48

"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also; and if anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, give your cloak as well; and if anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile.
Give to everyone who begs from you, and do not refuse anyone who wants to borrow from you. "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?
Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.


Jesus seems to like this turn of phrase. "You have heard it said... but I say to you." And really, we've heard a lot of things said. Heard a lot about the way the world is run and how it functions and what ways to succeed. And this goes beyond the bible, too. I just had a conversation with several friends at home about some colleagues who cheated in college or grad school. Either they had someone else write a paper for them or tucked answer keys in obscure places. Their rationale seems to be that this is the only way to get ahead in an overly competitive world. And so my friends and I are sitting around this table having dinner and asking ourselves what we should do in response. Turn them in? Let it slide?


And as Christians, living under the law, we fight this battle daily. We see someone breaking a law, be it civil or biblical, and our alarms go off. Perhaps because we are Americans, we feel it is our civic duty to report crimes and misdemeanors. To report wrongdoing for the sake of public order. But I believe it is a human thing, too. How many times has someone living with you reminded you that you forgot to take out the trash, that you left water running or lights on or that you somehow disobeyed house rules? How many times have you reminded them that they have broken some house rule?

There's something demeaning about being told you broke a law. A sense of guilt. We crumble in ourselves as we listen to the admonishment. And there's something vindictive in reminding someone that they, too, have broken a law. Have you ever had those arguments? “You did this.” “Oh yeah? Well you did THIS!” It's like we all want to tear each other down because we're feeling down. And if we're down, everyone else should be, too. What’s that funny saying, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

Or maybe I'm alone there. But I doubt I'm the only one that's ever made mistakes or pointed out another's mistake. Whatever the case, I know this gospel lesson speaks to me. Because I know it's easy to love those who love me. To love those who don't tear me down. And I know it’s easy to hate, to get annoyed, to roll my eyes, to dismiss a person. And on those days when the entire world is picking at me, messing up my latte, demanding more of my time, and misunderstanding every word I say or doubting everything I do - the last thing I want to do is love. I'd rather call it a day and retreat to my couch. Retreat into a good book with a story full of clearly defined heroes and villains. It's easier to be alone with my contempt for the world. And I justify, the world probably doesn’t want to be around me like that anyway.

Try reading this gospel in THAT kind of mood. Try reading "Be perfect" after reading "Love your enemies" on a day when it feels like the whole world is on your case and you’d dump the whole world into some category of enemy. You feel rotten and then you're told you are even more rotten because you aren't loving those who aren't loving you.

I believe Jesus is calling to us in that very mood. Reminding us that we are salt. We are light. We are Children of God. We are holy. This gentle reminder is enough to restore our caved in souls. This gentle reminder tells us that love is possible within our very broken bodies. We look at ourselves and are able to see what God has made us - salty, holy, lighted Children of God. Filled up with something that we cannot create in ourselves. Filled up with something we cannot earn. Filled up with something that cannot be diminished or taken away or used up by anyone.

So it matters less what the world demands of us. What the laws say. What our response is. How we even go about dealing with other people who sometimes build us up and sometimes tear us down. Before we can do any of that, we must know that we are holy. And no, I don't mean "filled with holes." I mean we are God's children, filled with light and love and the promise that though the world lives one way, we are able to live another. When we are incapable of dealing with the world for another minute, the light in us spills forth and goes beyond the law. Walks the extra mile. Gives away the extra shirt. Gives away the extra food. And loves the person we cannot love.

This is Christ in us. This is our light. Our salt. Our holiness that we did nothing for. Thanks be to God for days when we feel like nothing and God is everything and more.

PostSecrets

Annoyance

I take it as beautiful irony that I preached about the blessing of community on Sunday and am annoyed with everyone in my community today. Okay, not everyone. I just had a lovely lunch with a friend and this morning, the two elders I sat down with to read the funnies were lovely. Everyone else = annoying.

I've been contemplating the great divide between being a solo pastor or part of a team. This is especially interesting today when I'm feeling annoyed with so many people and would prefer to work alone. On the other hand, I so value the team part of ministry. So I'm doing a pros and cons for kicks.

Pros and Cons of Solo Ministry
+Don't have to deal with other people
+Get to make decisions on your own
-Have to make decisions on your own
+Smaller congregation --> family structure
+Struggle to have lay participation
-You are responsible for every Sunday

Pros and Cons of Team Ministry
-Have to deal with other people's opinions
+Get to have pastoral input
+Not up to you to make all decisions
+Typical a larger congregation --> more lay ministry
+More diversity of programs
+Shared responsibility for Sundays = more Sundays off for me


Hm... can't think now.

Love

Me

There's a part of Sara Bareilles' King of Anything song that goes like this,
"All my life to make everyone happy, while I just hurt and hide, waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide."

Not that I haven't had my share of decisions but I spend a considerable amount of energy doing things I think I SHOULD be doing. And if you know me, you know I hate that little S word. Should is so.... so... shitty.

For a while, I held onto the notion that if I was perfect, then people would love me. If I had enough energy to listen to everyone's problems (and solve them), then I would have value. I believed that I had to earn love by being worthy.. and that my worthiness was external.

After all, what is the greatest lesson of high school? If you smell funny, look funny, act funny, talk funny, etc, then you are not worthy of ANYTHING. And let me tell you, I was awkward in high school. (Weren't we all?) College was a bit better. I could be nerdy. But then I was Christian and that was seriously outside of the major pulse of the honors program I was in. But I got into some women's rights things and did Vagina Monologues with that group. I tried my hand at student government again. I got my call to go to seminary.

And in between college and seminary was this amazing little group of people that absolutely embraced me for all my quirks and oddities. I could be bitchy at the coffee shop. I could be silly with the girls I was nanny for. I could love my indie hippie music, be book smart but know next to nothing about politics, love Jesus, and be addicted to coffee. My world was bliss.

And it continued to get better in seminary. Parts of me that got squashed in high school and college were suddenly embraced and encouraged. (Old Post references this.) My time in theater came back, my poetry writing intersected in sermon writing, and being genuine and giving a shit was celebrated. Having to know foreign dignitaries, being a perfect 10 (8, 6...), listening to the "right" music, and justifying my faith all fell away. Or at least they started to. I'd still like to be a perfect 10 (or 8...) and I still find myself justifying my faith. But I began to be loved without all the things that I thought I had to have. I even fell in love and had someone love me back. I surrounded myself with the most amazing friends and professors and faculty at seminary.

Then there's Montana. It is here I am finally understanding what strange standards I've been holding myself up to for years without knowing it. None of the elders care what I say when I show up to visit, they care simply that I show up to visit. None of my parishioners nail me (pun intended) for stumbling over the Lord's Prayer or the words of institution, and my energy levels are not being measured on some salaried meter of merit.

For the first time in a long time, I feel free. Free to explore this ministry thing and tape it to my skin and see if it sticks. To dye a panel of my hair bright orange. To chop off my hair. To write sermons that challenge people. To tell people what I really think. To be exhausted. To be energized by new things. To be vulnerable. All of it is up for grabs.

I am licensed to be myself to the full extent that God has called me to be. God didn't call me to be perfect. God called me to be me. I'm just unlocking all the quiet places that are still undiscovered. It's lovely.

Excuses

They say that the thing you hate most in someone else, you usually hate most about yourself.

I hate excuses. Crappy reasons to justify doing or not doing something. A rationalization or justification to do something.

For instance, while I fully believe that women should be able to do what they want with their bodies, I hate when women get an abortion and say, "Well, I didn't mean to get pregnant." Seriously? That's your excuse? Or insert any number of condom/pill/other failed methods of preventing said pregnancy.

Or excuses we all give for not calling, for not visiting, for forgetting. Yes, we're all busy. Yes, we get distracted. But why do we make the excuses?

My friend from Germany said that it is especially bad in America. People that will say, "Yeah, yeah, we should definitely hang out." And then never do. Never call. Never follow through.

I've done it. We all do it. But WHY? Especially when we all know how crappy it is to be handed an excuse. To be handed a pathetic reason for missing a planned get together. And I'm not talking about emergencies. I mean, there have been several times I've planned on attending some party or dinner when I call the friend hosting and say, "I just can't... I'm just not in the mood." Some friends are able to coax me out of this introverted homebody tendency and get me out despite my protests but most just say they'll miss me and okay.

I'm not sure why we do it. But we do. A lot. Provide excuses for not doing things we don't want to do... instead of just saying we don't want to do them. Excuses for being too busy and missing an important meeting. I don't think my not wanting to hurt your feeling or being over scheduled is a good excuse.

Perhaps the solution is to say what we mean and to slow down more. To make the appointments we set. To show up. To call. To do.

*writes on To Do list "Make Pastoral Visits"*

*big sigh*

The Cost of Discipleship

Discipleship is one of those big churchy words that doesn't have much anchor in today's world. For me, it means following Christ. It means the disciples that left their fishing boats and fathers behind to follow Christ. No belongings. No internship. No contract with benefits.

Today, I am about 2,000 miles from the birth of a friend's second baby. I was there for the first.
Today, I am coordinating vigil for someone who is dying in the nursing home I work for.
Today, my heart is not here. 

This is not how I saw ministry going. Away from a birth, preparing for a death. Exhausted to the bone and still without a finished sermon for Sunday. Wondering how I can spend the rest of my life doing this and wondering how I can spend the rest of my life doing anything else. But this is where God has called me. So I'm here. But today, my heart will be in TN, celebrating the birth of a new child of God. A new little soul to love and cherish. A new little soul to miss with all my heart.

Comfort and Challenge

As I weigh and wear the responsibility of a pastor on my shoulders, I am struck with the task of comforting and challenging those that I minister to. Not only of figuring out when some need to be comforted and some need to be challenged, but of presenting the gospel in a way that allows for both - AT THE SAME TIME.

For me, the gospel has always been about both. There are times when I am down in the dumps, depressed, and just need to hear that God loves me. There are times when my life is steady, unchanged, and unchallenged. I go with the status quo, with the norm, and trudge through my days. That's when I need the wake up call that life is about a lot more than passing the time - and I've got a place in it.

So what do we do with this Christ who has arrived on the scene? With those wise men who traversed afar bringing gifts that proclaimed that Christ was king? With this figure who gets baptized and the skies open up? Where is the comfort and where is the challenge? And which, at this moment, do we need to hear?

You should watch "Dakota Skye"

Jonah: I still have the dream sometimes.

  
I do. I come home from the store
and find you on my doorstep 

with a suitcase.

  
And that's your entire wardrobe.

  
Just a carry-on, a duffel bag.

  
We don't say anything,

  
but you have this look
in your eye that kills me.

  
It just...

  
And I unlock the door and let you in.

  
And that's it.
That's the dream.

  
When I wake up, I wake up happy...

  
...vibrating for a few seconds
with my head in the sand...

  
...content.

  
[Sighs]

  
Then it goes away, and you go away.

  
I really don't want
to get out of bed then

  
because it's cold out there,

  
but I do.

  
I get up.
Life goes on.

  
[Exhales]

  
Most days you never
even cross my mind.