Babies

In my book about authenticity, my bookmark is a picture of my god baby screaming at the top of her lungs. There is something entirely refreshing about this photo (aside from my desire to pluck her up and hug on her that is).

With a baby, you will always know when they are upset. They'll be screaming. Crying. Making a fuss until their need is met.

You'll know when they are excited, happy, or passing gas. They'll be smiling. Giggling. Squirming with glee.

If they are curious, they'll reach out and touch. When they can, they'll ask questions. "Whassat?" is one of my favorites.

There is nothing that is not absolutely congruent about what babies are feeling and what they do.

As adults, we've squelched that. Been taught not to cry or be too overjoyed about anything. Hold back curiosity. Etc and so on.

What would happen if we broke down in tears when we spilled a glass of juice or we were hungry? Letting ourselves feel whatever was passing through our mind at the time instead of "steeling" ourselves against our emotions. And it might teach the next generation that it is okay to feel things. Okay to feel sad, happy, mad, glad. Okay to cry and shout for joy.

What kind of world might that be?

Unsubscribe

Every year, around this New Year time (it is the new year according to the church calendar, btw), I give myself the gift of unsubscribing. What's this, you ask? It is part of decluttering my life!

How many e-mails do you get in a day that you immediately delete? From the airlines advertising a cheap flight, from Ticketmaster, from some inspirational quote/scripture/blurb of the day, from iTunes and whatever else you may or may not have signed up for.

I'm not talking about spam, those e-mails announcing how easy it is to enhance what God gave ya, because your spam filter should be taking care of those. I'm talking about all the rest of it.

Unsubscribe. Uncheck the box for special offers, monthly newsletters, updates on your favorite musical artists, and so on. You don't need the clutter.

And if you find yourself missing a full inbox, go online and find something to subscribe to that might actually bring you joy. For instance, I always read my Story of the Day from StoryPeople. And though it is not always earth shatteringly brilliant, it more often than not brings a smile to my face.

Find a devotion you like, a quote of the day from a site that seems to fit you, the photo of the day from National Geographic, or whatever tickles your fancy (no, not enhancement fancy!).

But unsubscribe from that stuff you don't read. You don't read it anyway! Your brain will thank you.

St. Francis of Assisi

"Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words."

"Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

"Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

"Above all the grace and the gifts that Christ gives to his beloved is that of overcoming self. "

—St. Francis Of Assisi

Humility and Wholeness

"To be human is to ask unanswerable questions, but to persist in asking them, to be broken and ache for wholeness, to hurt and to try to find a way to healing through the hurt." -The Spirituality of Imperfection by Kurtz and Ketcham

I'll be honest and let you know I spent much of the past two days deep in hurt... Reexamining old wounds and marveling at how they are apparent today. I give thanks for the generous friends, family, spiritual director and internship supervisors that have patiently waited for me to stop questing for perfection and start seeking wholeness instead.

This book I picked up (which is amazing) speaks of AA and many twelve step programs as "more a journey toward humility than a struggle for perfection." What a cool way to look at healing! A way to look at spirituality through our imperfections, our hurts, our pain - and use them to find meaning in the chaos and darkness of the world. The 12 step is just one example.

I dig it. This path is the answer to a prayer cried without words from the depth of me. Why didn't anyone tell me life was so difficult? Life is beautiful but it is requires all I have to give.

Well, here I go!

Uncomfortable

Internship will be an uncomfortable year. Neither good nor bad but uncomfortable.

I'm wondering if this is really our call as Christians, especially as pastors and ministers. Ministry is quite frankly, the most uncomfortable thing I've ever done. It pushes me to deal with everything that blocks me from living the gospel and loving people.

I am hesitant to admit those issues seem numerous. I don't have it all together. I don't have it all figured out. And what's worse? I never will. There will never come a time when I will say, "Yup. I've figured it all out." Does it say anything about me that this is in any way surprising or frustrating?

Or perhaps something about my theology that I want to be in control and be perfect? I wish that weren't the case but the indicators point to "true." So I'm uncomfortable. Trying to figure out how to have a little more grace with myself about who God made me to be... and who I am.

I have believed for a while that our imperfections are problems in need of fixing. The problem is that I know problems need fixing. It can't be wonderful to constantly be late or so worried about being vulnerable that one avoids all human interactions. Help is needed.

On the other hand (and this is what I'm struggling to take hold of), we are whole already. Not broken and busted in need of repair before we are whole... but whole to begin with.

Strange how I can see that about other people - their wholeness and worth and dignity - but miss it in my own person. I'm going to work on loving myself as God does... and not just my neighbor.

Blessings on your Thanksgivings. I give thanks to God for a place to vent my worries and share my joys and for each of you who reads this. ;)

Wicked

GLINDA
(spoken) Elphie, listen to me. Just say you're sorry.
(sung) You can still be with the Wizard
What you've worked and waited for
You can have all you ever wanted.

ELPHABA
(spoken) I know...
(sung) But I don't want it -
No - I can't want it anymore

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

GLINDA
Can't I make you understand?
You're having delusions of grandeur.

ELPHABA
I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down.

Gratitude and Appreciation

In the spirit of giving Thanks, I wanted to share my most recent and reoccurring thanksgiving.

My body.

Seriously, now. I work with a lot of elderly people who struggle to walk, talk, see, hear, respond quickly, and think clearly. I am so blessed with able legs that can walk up and down stairs (as well as run, skip, jump, and climb them). I am so blessed with eyes that see well (even if I begrudge the use of my glasses, they are a simple fix... and I give thanks there IS a fix). I am blessed with good hearing, thick long hair, all my teeth and working joints.

So whenever I start to begrudge my extra pounds, my generous thighs, or my imperfect vision, I think about my residents who would give anything to have my body - "warts and all."

Thanks, God. I'll try to take the best care of it I can. ;)

Courage

You cannot know for certain the greatness of the future for which you are being prepared: the depths of compassion and understanding that are being carved by your sorrow; the vitality that gathers in secret pools behind the dam of old hopes and memories; the adventures that await you. Your inner spirit builds upon itself in anticipation of that final drop that will pour over the side and into your future.... you cannot stop the life within you that is pressing forward. Your curiosity will be the source of your courage.

~Carol Orsborn in The Art of Resilience

Slow Down

Our lives are over scheduled. Too busy. Too much going on. Our to-do lists are never ending.

To compensate, we rush. We hurry. We dart from one activity to the next and the next. If you are anything like me, you then CRASH. This happens in various ways. You either give 24/7 and then get ridiculously ill for a week... or you give and give at work and then come home and have no energy to do anything more than watch tv. Forget mowing the lawn or doing the dishes. A healthy meal is out of the question. You're exhausted.

Do you ever what would happen if you slowed down? Are you afraid the world would come crashing to a halt around you? People would die without you there? Life would end?

Well, I think I do sometimes. If I don't show up and get things done, what happens?

Worked at an assisted living facility is helping me rethink that notion. I nearly missed devotions because an ethics committee meeting ran late. As I dashed into the chapel to apologize for my lateness and begin devotions, I saw that one of the administrators was happily reading the scripture from the daily devotional. The residents were content. No one was fussed. Life carried on - and provided one of the administrators the opportunity to lead devotions which she enjoyed.
Similarly, I have found that when I rush down the hall to my office or to the next meeting, I miss conversations with elderly residents or staff who are stressed. I don't stop and pet the bird at the entry. I miss the carved pumpkins and scarecrows that serve as our fall decoration. I miss a lot.

And truthfully, when I rush, I don't get more things done. I may get more things done that day but I have to spend so much time recovering that it doesn't matter. So I'm taking things slower. I'm intentionally going slower. God help me for I know that's where God is.

After all, this way I can "keep up" with the residents as they walk...

Strings and Things

I grew up loving the sound of my father singing and playing his guitar. As I grew older this sound became less frequent as our lives got busier and new hobbies were born. Occasionally, though, he would pull out his beautiful Martin and play a few John Denver goodies. I think this also explains my deep love of folk music. Give me a simple melody on a guitar and some rich vocals and I'm good to go.

For Christmas last year, I asked for my own guitar. I've been wanting to play for a while. A rather cynical friend told me that I only wanted to play guitar to be cool and to attract the opposite sex. There are a lot of other things I could do to be cool - I don't really consider this one. As a matter of fact, when you play guitar as a pastor, you tend to get pushed into the "youth pastor" position. I resist all such stereotypes.

So I've been picking at it for the last year and picking up tidbits from various friends of mine who play.

....I love it.

And providence saw to making me play for an audience for the first time last Wednesday. I played Tift Merritt's Engine to Turn as part of my sermon. It was a difficult text. Her words, "I don't know how to fix the world," and "Don't be scared" fit very well.

More later as I continue to explore this beautiful world of stringy sound.