The ramifications of my actions...

So I am on day 4 of CPE. That's Clinical Pastoral Education. It is a requirement for all Masters of Divinity students (at least at most seminaries); generally completed the summer after your first year of seminary. So there's a kind of mad dash for a spot in a hospital due to the nature of the groups which are generally small and attempt to be as diverse as possible. Because I wanted to get out of the city for the summer and to avoid the mad dash for CPE sites in Chicago, I looked at a hospital near my cousin in central Illinois with the intention that I would live with them (remember that new baby back in August? Yeah, I get to spend the summer listening to him giggle and watching him grow!). So here I am. Day four of CPE in central Illinois.

Again, sorry for being gone for so long. It took a lot of energy to finish up school. Those were some of the hardest papers I've ever had to write. I keep trying to figure out why and it boils down to the fact that they all had an element - if not a majority - of the personal laid over the academic. I could punch out a paper the night before it was due in undergrad (ask my roommates, I did) and receive an A. That is more than impossible now. So of course, that doesn't do much for my confidence in my own intelligence. I got a C this semester. That hurt. But then I got an A and an A- in two of my other classes. So... that seems odd.

But back to CPE. I'm here. It is rough. It is also richly rewarding. Typical, right? (Woah on the alliteration of the letter R, there.) We talked today about crisis care. It was AMAZING and I wanted to go down to the ER and hug someone. Well, not hug someone. That would be unwelcome gesture and a wrong way to start a visit and... yeah. But you know what I mean.

My twitter update last night said something about understanding nuances and living in a world that is both/and instead of either/or. There are no tried and true formulas for patient care that work across the board. Everyone is different. Everyone is at a different place. To assume that one "protocol" (to be entirely clinical) works for one situation should not lead you to assume that it will work in the next situation. This is where my anxiety starts to build. I want formulas!! I want scripts!! I want to know exactly what to say to someone before I walk into the room. I am uncomfortable in the realm of the unknown.

So that's what I'll be working on this summer. And not to be vague or anything, but I'll be working on seeing what the dark valley looks like. How else can I assure people they'll be okay there if I have not truly experienced the journey through my own grief? (My advisor is wicked smart.) Well, that's the gist of it. I'm scared to death and more excited than I can begin to share.

So... that's my summer. The start of my ministry.... where I balance reality and hope (that's from my advisor again - another wordy gem for me to cling to).

Welcome to my world. Welcome to CPE. I'll be here all summer. ;)

Long Time Gone

I'm sorry I've been away so long...

Moving and traveling has taken up a good bit of my time. Before that it was exams and papers. And packing. Ha.

Been processing a lot. Having some fun. Getting a tattoo (my 2nd) with my sibling. Taking in the Tennessee landscape and breathing in gulps of honeysuckle tainted air. Yum.

I'll be back blogging in a bit. I promise. ;)

Revelations of Loving Myself

So I'm not sure what it was about last night. Whether it was the conversation of the night... or the wee hours that I found myself still awake in... or three days of sickness that have made me home bound... or moving tomorrow to my very first place all on my own... but I had a revelation.

It might not go so well into words, but I'll at least relay the content as best I can. I finally figured out what loving myself looks like. This very real picture of humility that is about embracing both the celebration of self and the struggle for a better you. You are who you are exactly as you are right at this moment. And guess what? You were you 10 years ago. I gathered up my memories about me; the good and the bad. They were part of me. Those betrayals of friendship in high school and colleger are just as much a part of me as the first guy who ever held my hand and the way my grandmother rubs my hand with her thumb whenever she holds it. They are all things in my life that happened to this body. My body. Me.

It will sound cheesy to say that it just sort of came together. I realized I've got me the rest of my life. I've got so much time to grow and figure things out that it is almost laughable. I'm a bit of an old soul. A serious person. But in truth, I have a lot of quirks. I'm a bit crazy. A little random. A bit messy but ridiculously organized and meticulous in a lot of things. I have beautiful red hair that I usually tie up out of my face and grayish blue eyes like my mama that sparkle when they are next to hers. I've got my parents' passion for people, their intelligence, and some odd form of their combined humors. I have an amazing brother who is ridiculously smart and sarcastic and who for some reason loves me as much as I love him.

Me? I'm a procrastinator. I've got a little extra love on my fabulous frame. I enjoy my sleep. But God made in me a heart that is big enough to do ministry. When I love, I love big. When I hope, I hope big. I fall in love fast and make friends slower but they tend to stick around. I'm not the best about answering my phone or returning phone calls. I do much better with one on one time.

I am all these things. For better or worse, if you come to love me, you will love these things. More importantly, I have finally come to love these things. It's a pretty incredible feeling. I have plenty of time to grow and figure out life. Today is where I'm at today. How are you doing?

(As for the flu, I'm getting better! Sasha brought me jello today. Hooray!)

Inspiration

Well I couldn't sleep just yet. I tried. No luck. I just kept making up sermons in my head. One for my MIC site. One for my church back home. Messages about love and what home looks like.

But I couldn't sleep, so I got up and stumbled upon Brian Andreas' blog. He's the man behind StoryPeople. If you don't know StoryPeople, you should. But it wouldn't make his blog entry any less spectacular if you didn't know who he was. Just keep in mind that the beauty of his stories reflect the random beauty of life. He calls it into focus and it is sometimes quite profound. For instance, read this blurb from the blog...

We often forget that life is quite simple. We play, we talk, we sing & dance & make love. We fill the world with our stories & everything we touch with love comes alive. Everything we touch with love becomes a piece of our home.
(Read the whole blog here.)

Yeah, he's got a way with words. Here are some of my favorite StoryPeople stories (these are all one line long - the link takes you to the title on the StoryPeople site where you can "Add to [your] Favorites"):

"After all those years, she was nothing like I remembered, but my heart leaped across the gap anyway without a moment's hesitation." (link)

"connected by a silver cord that hums with sadness the further it is stretched" (link)

" You may not remember the time you let me go first. Or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn't that far to go. Or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up. You may not remember any of those, but I do & this is what I have to say to you: today, no matter what it takes, we ride home together." (link)

"Of course I want to save the world, she said, but I was hoping to do it from the comfort of my regular life." (link)

"As long as the sun shall rise goes the old lovers vow. But we are children of a scientific age & have no time for poetry. Still, I offer a quiet prayer of thanks for the sunlight each time I see your face." (link)

The Grace of Sickness

So Monday, very early in the morning, I woke up freezing. This wasn't that cold feeling when the air outside your bed is cold (for instance, if you have ever lived in a dungeon...), but the kind that only comes from a fever. Oh joy, says I - hope it isn't swine flu...

Correction: H1N1 virus. I apologize. I hope I don't have it all the same. Then again, I rarely go to the doctor so I don't know how I would find out anyway. Haha. Anyway, you don't need my sick stories and the commentary about how much it sucks to have to take care of yourself when you are sick, so I won't talk about that. ;)

Instead, I'll talk about my thoughts over this enforced 2 day break from work. Yesterday I was determined to work through it. I would just read in bed if I couldn't hold my head up, right? I'd finish that paper! That one, too! I'd go to my class!

I didn't. I couldn't. So I slept. I wrote emails to my professors begging for grace, secretly terrified they'd think it was some evil ploy to get out of writing the paper. Note to self: should you ever become a professor, operate by grace, not by law.

They were all incredibly gracious. That paper hanging over my head is now due Thursday or Friday. I've missed 3 of my last 4 classes so far of my 1st year in seminary and I'm sad about it. Partially, I think, it has to do with closure. You get to see these people one last time. Savor the last few moments. Savor the finish of the semester (because we all know that even when it was good, it was exhausting). I'm hoping I will feel better in time for tomorrow night's last Worship class.

With this stage of forced rest and negative-2 productivity, I've been thinking a lot about my own motivation or lack thereof. Why is it that I'm still not eating as healthy as I should, still not doing daily devotions or simply reading from the bible, still not flossing, still not getting things done? The result is missed deadlines, extra poundage on my fabulous frame, laundry overflowing from my hamper, and frustration that I'm not living up to my "full potential." I hate that phrase. Like anyone ever does?!

I think I've been using up a lot of grace, though. (Not that it can ever be used up, but hear me out.) I think I've been relying on grace to get me through each day for so long that I've become lazy in my response to that wonderful gift. One of my profs said the other day to the class, "What is your response to grace?" Of course we all talked about it not being about what WE did because that would be too focused on works (i.e. SO not Lutheran). Again, he asked, "Yes, but, what I'm asking is, God gives this grace... What do you do? How do you respond?"

We were pretty quiet. Well, not really. We talked around the issue for a bit. Got frustrated with one another. That sort of thing. No good response came of it.

Then the next weekend I went with my TN friends to their church Sunday morning. We were talking about this author, Jerry Bridges, so I was looking at his books in their book store. After wanting 3 different ones in a row, I knew I'd found it when I came across "The Discipline of Grace." I'm pretty excited to read it. I know it certainly isn't Lutheran but I may need its message all the more because of that. His subtitle is "God's Role and Our Role in the Pursuit of Holiness." It sounds lovely, actually. As a matter of fact, I may pick it up now and read a bit.

I'll let you know how it goes... and life. ;) Thanks for reading.

~1L

Would any of you be interesting in reading any of these papers I'm writing for the end of the semester?
-a paper about liturgy in the ELCA and how Luther reformed liturgy (I had an awesome typo in this paper that I'm glad I caught: "Luther retained the elevation of the hose..." instead of "host")
-a reflection on my roommate's faith/church life as a result of the oppression of the Palestinians
-a reflection on Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Letters and Papers from Prison (such a great book - so many good quotes..)
-a reflection on my experience at Cornerstone in TN as compared to the ELCA (we all took communion at the same moment, sitting in our chairs - how awesome to be so unified!)
-a final project for history... about... um... Roger Williams...? or... Bloody Mary? (t.b.a.)
-an exegesis paper on the passage in Ephesians that talks about the submissiveness of wives
-a book report on a book used for the above paper
-a paper/reflection on my philosophy of ministry
-part III of the endorsement essay

...or anything else that I've written/have yet to write and neglected to put on the list?

(Say a prayer if you think on it. I'm behind. I need to focus! L, where is that drink mix you got that promised "focus" on the front? I need to start drinking more of that!)

A Bitter Rant on "Light" Products

It's never a good thing to look at the label of the item you are currently eating. I just went to the grocery store with Sally and saw her getting some yogurt so I thought I'd try some too. Have you ever had Yoplait's Thick and Creamy yogurt? Well I have loved it for a long time. Specifically the vanilla one. Well they make this "light" version so I thought I'd give the "Mixed Berry" flavor a try. First bite was okay. Has that artificial sweetener aftertaste that I hate, though. So I start reading the label... these interested me:

1st ingredient: nonfat milk (always good)

2nd ingredient: high fructose corn syrup (wtf?!?! is the "light" part of this the fact that you are adding artificial sweeteners to the hfcs or the nonfat milk???)

10th: colored with beet juice concentrate (I almost spit out the yogurt I was eating. I swear to you I can taste a hint of beet. That's just wrong.)

13th: sucralose/Splenda (THIS is the stuff that has the aftertaste I loathe - bring on the aspartame and real sugar baby!)

14th: natural flavor (well, I'm glad it is here but it is 14th on the list... and I doubt there is much real flavor in it)

Yeah... I just threw it in the trash. Here's the problem - I'd rather be eating healthy than loosing weight. Eating good foods is good for your heart. And I know that everything seems to cause cancer these days but I really really think Splenda is going to be the next big cancer causing meltdown. The world will soon die - asphyxiated on Splenda.

(...specifically "Light" Mixed Berry yogurt with the bonus of hfcs.)

[on a side note, I read this blog (http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com) and laugh out loud so you should too - read it, I mean. It is up to you if you want to laugh out loud or not. :D This seahorse entry is pretty fantastic.]

Feeling love in the virtual world

I don't know if any of you can appreciate this... but something just warmed my heart. Basically, I play this game called The West to avoid my school work. I play it with my cousin. My brother used to play. I have an attachment to it. It is also kind of fun because I get to flex some leadership muscles and see what it feels like to kick someone out of my town or to ask for more money to build more buildings, etc. I joke that I'm going to try to get my school to have a leadership class where you go online and play this game.

Anywho, the context is... that in this game there are duelers, workers, soldiers, and adventurers. Generally if you are a dueler, you shouldn't attack workers. But... we've been having some issues and I've been attacked. So we were discussing it in our town forum and they suggested that the workers put a little something in their profile about the town retaliating if we were attacked. So I wrote on mine something along these lines: "If you attack me, my town will kick your ass." Now... some of the townies thought that was a little harsh. They thought it would actually provoke someone to duel me instead of leave me alone. I agreed and changed it to something milder. Just today I check the forum and get this note from one of my townies:

If I read a profile from the Founder of a huge influential town like ours that said "my town will kick your ass" I would believe it. Just because she does have some muscle and we would all probably drop everything and kick someones ass if she asked us to.

I feel so loved...

...and now back to RL.

I meant to post this on Good Friday

...so pretend I did. Reflect. Enjoy. (Haven't I posted this before?)



There is an ongoing debate as to what the last lines say:
*tounge tied in a hate factory
*tounge tied TO a hating factory
*we turn out hate in factories
*talk dirt at hating factories
*Your tortured (and hanging) factory


But I learned, "We all got wood and nails turned out in a hate factory." In other words, some hate factory is churning out wood and nails. I like the imagery. I'm not sure what to do with being tounge tied in a hate factory...

Opposites Attract

The weather has turned sunny though it is still windy and cold here in Chicago. I know it was beautiful here this weekend... even though I wasn't here. I was enjoying the absolutely gorgeous weather in Tennessee and trying to tell my heart that it wasn't supposed to fall back in love with TN when I still had three more years before I could even hope for the possibility of moving back - if that is indeed where God is calling me.

For a while I wasn't sure I wanted to go back to the south. I didn't know I could go back to the buckle of the bible belt after spending four blissful years in an intellectual and spiritual haven that is this community for me. (Yes, it has been work so far and I expect more but I couldn't be happier to be here when I do that difficult work.)

That's when I really understood, however, that part of what God is forming me for is the synthesis of opposites (or things that appear to be opposites...). This is my ministry. This includes most apparently my desire for conversation between science and religion. I would love to sit on some hospital ethics board and remind the religious nuts that stem cells could heal all kinds of horrible diseases that people pray to be free from. I am fascinated by biomedical ethics. Simply fascinated.

Another huge opposite in my life is going to be this conversation between the north and south. Sure we went to war over it and brothers fought brothers and people died.... but I'm up for a challenge. I already have heaps of experience, right? Raised in the south by parents that were from the north... going to school in the north... after going to school in the south... and having family from the north... and still in the south... friends from all over...

I have been amazed hearing the difference of opinions in people about the presidential campaign and outcome, homosexuals in the church, and gun laws. Bringing what I've learned from the south to the north and then back again is so peculiar and profound. It is as if, sometimes, they are two different worlds and people are shocked I could believe what the other world preaches. Am I being corrupted, they ask? No, I'm being formed.

So I will be curious to see where I will be called to serve in 3 years in this great nation of ours. I only hope it isn't the west. I don't think I can take on the North, South, and WEST in one lifetime. Here's hoping God has plans that look like mine!!!