Walk the Walk

So I've been talking a lot and writing a lot in my journal and in letters about discipline and grace.
I picked up this book back in April @ Cornerstone church with friends called "The Discipline of Grace" by Jerry Bridges. The subtitle? "God's Role and Our Role in the Pursuit of Holiness." And if this sounds like something I wouldn't typically read, then you are correct. Lutherans are all about the grace. All about it being what GOD does and not what we DO. We can't earn our way into God's favor and love. And while I don't agree with every piece of theology in the book, I'm finding it is beautifully paired with my Systematic Theology class and my Jesus and the Gospels class.

Most especially, the method of theology called praxis method. As I understand it, its how you put your theology into practice. Doing something with it instead of the opposite end of the spectrum where you sit on your ass all day in a room with other brains and think about shit. While I hope that will never be the case with my own theology, I can tell you countless others have gone astray. It doesn't help the church.

And then there are the four gospel stories. And though we saw Jesus in the temple, philosophizing and coming up with riddles to make us think, we also saw Jesus eating dinner with tax collectors and the poor. Out healing. Out teaching. Out doing things. But I don't want to negate time spent in the temple, arguing with other leaders about the important issues. I just think that there's a balance.

We talk in seminary about pastors who are generally the sort to be found in their office and those who are generally never found in their office. There are upsides and downsides to both. Most obviously, if you only sit in your office, you aren't visiting the hospital, being in the community outside the church, etc. But then again, if you aren't in your office, there are fewer opportunities for *knock, knock* "Um.. pastor? You got a minute?" So again, there's a line to walk. It'll be fun to find it.

So with all these fine lines that I imagine I'll spend the rest of my life navigating... I find they seem to be nuances of that first one, discipline and grace. How much do we have to sit down and realize that it isn't up to us? How much do we need a poker at our side telling us that God wants us to use these hands, this voice, that talent or skill?

And honestly, even the things of ministry that are FOR God and our relationship with him take discipline. Getting a book and bible out to do a devotion (I don't)? Remembering to actually pray for that person you said you'd pray for (I forget)? Not falling asleep during your evening prayers (guilty!)? And for me, it's also going to chapel, going to class, and the NEVER simple task of getting out of bed in the morning. It takes MY work, not all God's. There are all kinds of "but" statements I could throw in here but I think I'll leave it at that. Because today, I think I need the reminder that I have two hands that work and a heart that beats (and perhaps also because I know at the core of my being that I have a God who loves me just as I am??).

Be blessed.

Being in Community

Hello cyber world o' mine. I must apologize once again for being gone so very long. Now that the third week of classes is beginning, I'm finally getting into the rhythm of everything once again. CPE sucked the life from my very bones and graciously gave it back in pieces. I've been remade. So it made it especially exciting and terribly difficult to come back into this community here at seminary.

I remember distinctly one of the professors saying at the start of my first year here that it is easier for us to see God's grace and forgiveness in our OWN lives than to see it in someone else's. In other words, he told us that before long we'd be looking at one another and going, "Well SHE shouldn't be here!"

Well... let's just say I've been needing to remember that speech frequently. Not necessarily with my friends in school but the larger community. Look how flawed we are. See how flawed I am? How does God do work through flawed people? And yes, I've read the Old Testament - I know he uses drunkards, adulterers, etc. to do great things. I'm just a little tired weary.

Part of it has to do with the church wide assembly's decision to ordain homosexuals in committed monogamous relationships. So many people freaked out and were sad. Let down. But here, we are all pretty much over the moon about it. So I have to grapple with the idea that one decision can be seen as the church finally being like Christ but also failing to uphold the teachings of the Bible. So I feel I cannot celebrate when so many people are grieving.

There's this gap. This vision I have of polar opposites. Everywhere I look I see saints and sinners. Mind you, I'm talking about one person being saint and sinner. So people have tried to tell me to separate the two. Just focus on that person being an amazing pastor and don't worry about their affair. Or focus on their sermon, not on their getting drunk. So I try. But then I wonder if this is the way to go. Not just because it is really difficult to separate one part of someone from another part, but because I'd like to believe that I could love the whole person and not pick that parts I like. I cannot reduce people down to saint in some contexts and sinner in others. We are saint and sinner all the time. We do not throw switches on and off. If we could, don't you think we'd choose saint?

And you know, I think that's the beauty of it. We cannot be saint without also being sinner. How can we see the light except for the darkness that surrounds it? Otherwise we are just blind.

*Sigh*

I'm learning to bring that light and dark together without making some sort of middle gray area. I know life is not black and white but I cannot believe it is always gray. And maybe it just comes down to perspective. Yours. Mine. That guy's. Her's. God's.

Do you ever want to ask God why in the world he keeps on loving us despite all our flaws, wounds, and brokenness? I do. But I have to say I'm thrilled to death he does... even if I don't always understand it.

A tidbit in remembrance

From a travel journal my Grandma had that only had a few entries:

September 11, 2001

The girls and I are at a beautiful home on a lake in Jacksonport, WI. We are in DOOR CO - known as a fantastic tourist "get away"!!

Kaye, Beth, and I arrived Sunday evening between five and six, and Susan and Nancy arrived soon after. Nancy had flown into St. Paul on Saturday. Kaye arrived in Mendota Thurs. evening, and Beth came on Saturday. Our trip here was in pouring rain - BUT - it was lovely on Monday and also today. We have been glued to the TV because of the horrible news on the bombing in N.Y. and Washington.