It's best to compose a poem...

Hello my lemons,

I'm writing poetry again. But the new stuff is too raw still so I shall post something I wrote for the seniors last year which seems perfect for the semester's wind down:

For the Seniors

If I hung you on the wall like a mirror,
I wonder if you'd talk like me, act like me.
Could I dress you up and keep you here with me?
Sing you stories and show you songs about me?
Could I hug you in the quiet crazy of my sleep
When houses I no longer live in call me home
And running never gets me where I'm going.
But they are pretty, all the same, these dream sleep dreams.
They tap at our unspoken and the too much spoken
And yet demand no specific answer for their questions.

Find me in the midst of these and sing,
Tell me how you are like my skin, my story,
But how you dream instead of ponds and rivers
Sometimes frozen but rarely walkable or warm.
How you hang art on the wall instead of mirrors
And find yourself staring at the thick paint,
Wondering why the artist painted blue
When you had always considered grass green.
Which then makes you think of open plains and fields
And following your footsteps to some new house
Some home where mirrors and art are hung side by side
But maybe you don't recognize your skin or the color of paint
When it sketches itself in unrecognizable colors and hues
On walls that look nothing like the home in your head.

Find yourself there where the rivers freeze overnight
And the sick do not always remember your name.
Find there the sad cry of tired voices
And their need for a dream like yours.
Not for mirrors or symbolic art on church walls
But for passion and a willingness to hold the pain.
For recognizing that grass is not always green
And that sometimes the strangest dreams let you run the farthest.
Hold them there and let me be here in my wandering,
Also finding the places that somehow feel like home.

More lyrics. Alanis style.

How bout getting off of these antibiotics
How bout stopping eating when I'm full up
How bout them transparent dangling carrots
How bout that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How bout me not blaming you for everything
How bout me enjoying the moment for once
How bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How bout no longer being masochistic
How bout remembering your divinity
How bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

I'm going to Montana

....and I just keep singing parts of this song in my head.

"Wide Open Spaces" by Dixie Chicks

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

[Chorus:]
She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test

[Repeat Chorus]
She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes

The art of Love

I keep saying I have a problem with the phrase, "Hate the Sin, Love the Sinner." Most of this is based on the fact that I think we stop at the first part of the phrase or even the first word. Getting permission to hate in the name of doing something good has unleashed an awful kind of hell on the world. Let's just have the second part - "Love the Sinner." Wasn't Jesus' commandment to love God and neighbor? There wasn't hate in that phrase. I wonder if we are even capable of separating the two. Perhaps only Jesus is capable of that.

At least, I've not seen it successfully done by any human or any church. How does one hate the sin but love the sinner? Surely we understand that sin is wrong, etc, etc and that God loves the person and not the sin. I've just been getting multiple challenges lately to hate the sin. (It generally begins with, "But the bible says....") Is this our call? Are we called to hate the sin and love the sinner? I don't think I like being called to hate. I recognize that sin is worth hating and I certainly am not promoting it but I don't really think we as humans can actually separate the hate and love. In our task to hate the sin, we hate the sinner. Or as someone else posed, perhaps the problem is that we really, really love the sin and aren't actually capable of hating it. So I'm casting the question outward - can we hate the sin and love the sinner TRULY? I feel like I am called to love - I'm not so sure about this hate thing.

The Task

It is hard to think of ministry as a blessing right now. Jesus as my friend. God at my side.... Not because God is absent but because of how incredibly difficult this life is. The odd isolation that choosing to be a prophet for God brings. The challenge of being a model for others, a leader, a guide. Someone who has her spiritual gifts and blessings straightened out and is living into the life God has called her to. Even the little things like remembering to actually pray for someone when you told them you would. Completing assignments even when your emotions are distracting. Staying in touch with family and friends who are far away when there never seems to be time for a phone call. Remembering to take time for myself and not knowing what exactly to do in that time but sleep.

I'm just saying it is difficult, even while it is a blessing. Trying to be happy that God has called me to ministry while at the same time grimacing with how much it seems to take of me, how much it costs. But isn't that the point? That God wants all of me?

A calling

Is this song a call story or what?

Snow Patrol - Chocolate

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

And the beat goes on...

Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.
-"Hallelujah"

After 5 months of a really good thing, my boyfriend and I have parted ways. We said back in the beginning that being in love did not mean two people should be in a relationship. We certainly loved. That was the beautiful gift - love. But we decided it was in our mutual interest to end things now. So, I just wanted you to know.

In other news:
1. Lent is finally drawing to a close. I'm preaching Palm Sunday and the 2nd sunday of Easter.
2. My home church voted to stay in the ELCA despite the fact that some were upset by the decision to ordain gays and lesbians. The best comment about this came from a gay friend of mine: "You know, more and more of those decisions are failing..." I love it.
3. I will find out my internship site April 19th. I've interviewed so far in Somonauk, IL, Billings, MT, Austin, TX, and Vancouver, WA. I've got a few more coming up for TX and Iowa. I'll keep you posted.

Wearing the sign of the cross

I got ashes on my forehead around noon today. Still had them across my forehead when I met with the Muslim woman I tutor in English. She saw them and was about to let me know that I had some dirt on my forehead when I realized what she was pointing to. I had to explain. This is a cross of ash. This is the beginning of Lent. This is when we remember our mortality. We are dust. To dust we shall return.

Then on my way back to my apartment, an African American man saw the cross, pointed to it and nodded at me. Then we stopped and chatted for a while. He needed some cash to feed his girls so I gave him the little cash I had in my car. But what I find incredible is the connection that the ashes gave us. (Tragically, that's the only part I know wasn't a lie.) Almost like, "Hey, you, you are a Christian. Me, too."

As I continued walking I wondered, if I had washed the cross off, what would have been different about my conversations? For the man I spoke with on the street, would I have been just a college student that might have had money to give him? Instead, with both people, I got to have conversation.

So I think my Lenten discipline will be to wear the sign of the cross each day - not in ashes but perhaps in jewelry or in clothing. What will it change about how I present myself to the world? Shame? Pride? Confidence? Humility? We'll see. I'll let you know.

Waiting Game

I wonder what it would be like to know the future.

I know scores of movies and books and television shows have been dedicated to that very subject. They usually deal with the psychological aspects of it - a sense of responsibility, a foreboding gloom, an appreciation for the present, etc. I don't know what my response would be but I'm very sure I wish I knew the future right now. I'd like to know what kind of career I'm going to have, where I'm going to live, what my family will look like or if I'll be single, and then bigger things like the state of the country and the world, including south side Chicago. Would seeing the future be motivating or would it make me lazy?

Maybe God's got a good way of dealing with it after all - revealing His plan one piece at a time as it is necessary. Revealing a few steps at a time. I guess I just get frustrated waiting for God to let me in on the plan. I get tired of being patient. And then there's the theory that you don't "wait" on anyone or anything, you act. But I feel like that goes with dating theory in response to "I'm waiting for the right one to come along" less than in response to "I'm waiting for God to tell me what's up." I don't think I'm unnecessarily indecisive but I'm certainly not one to snap into action.

So what do I do? Continue to wait? Wonder? Pray? Except my prayers all seem to be exasperated questions of what the future holds. I get tired of repeating myself. ;)

Another Sermon Manuscript for ya

This is a manuscript for a sermon to be preached the week after Easter next year. It's based on John 20:19-31. Enjoy!!

When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and the doors of the house where the disciples had met were locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” After he said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord. Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you.” When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.” But Thomas (who was called the Twin), one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.”

A week later his disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe.” Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!” Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe.” Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book. But these are written so that you may come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have life in his name.

You might say that we are a busy people. Not just here at the seminary but in the city. Especially in this country. So that means that we miss events. We can't travel to them. Or we've made other plans. We get sick. Or perhaps we just don't want to go.

Which happens right? But then that just makes it ten times worse when you hear about how AWESOME the party was. “You should have been there!!” which is inevitably followed by “You'll never believe what happened!” That's when the stories start pouring out. Who was there. What happened. All the that's what she said's... he said's. Ya know, the scoop. The details.


And then BAM – instant blues. Even if our reason for not going was completely justified, we might still feel just a bit sorry for ourselves. Why'd we have to miss THAT one?

Well I think Doubting Thomas could join in on our pity party. He could lead it! After all HE missed the event of the season. THE party. JESUS himself showed up and he missed it.

Can you imagine the disciples clamoring around Thomas the next day? “You should have been there!! You'll NEVER BELIEVE what happened!! We have seen the Lord!” And there's Thomas looking from face to face to face, waiting for them to crack up in laughter. They can't be serious. It couldn't have been Jesus.

Of course the beautiful irony is that after their “You'll never believe” is that fact that Thomas DOESN'T believe them... Even after all the “No, seriously. It was Jesus! He showed us his hands and his side! It was HIM!” Thomas doesn't believe the second hand story. If he were us, he'd have asked for a picture. Then again, if they had a picture, he'd have suspected it was photo shopped. Nothing is going to convince him.

After all, this isn't just some guy showing up to the party off the street. This is JESUS who was just crucified. Who is dead, right?? I mean, there's this rumor that Mary found the tomb empty and then saw Jesus... which we could believe.... except that no one really believed her when she told them either...

Okay, so... let's just say that Thomas does believe, at least a little bit, that Mary and the other disciples are telling the truth. These are fairly trustworthy sources. They don't usually like to trick him. They seem pretty serious about it.

Okay fine, what you are telling me is true. I believe your story. Jesus showed up at your party. But when does it become REAL for me? I believe that he's alive but, well, when do I get to see him? Where is Jesus NOW?

It's an honest question. One that we certainly ask today. Thomas asked it then of his friends. Thomas asked the question we could not and said what we might be afraid to say today. “Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.”
What would happen if we said that today? What kind of challenge would that be?

Then again, perhaps we just say it in a different way when we ache with loneliness for a god that we can touch. Something to hold onto and claim, “this is my lord and my god!” Someone to run to. Someone to look at. Someone to reach out and touch.

So I wonder what's behind Thomas' doubt. Perhaps it isn't about a lack of faith in a risen Lord so much as it is a longing for the real presence of Jesus.

And while we are still reveling in the mystery of the resurrection, we might miss the simple fact that Jesus keeps showing up. Not just for Mary. Not just for the disciples the first time. Jesus keeps showing up for people. First Mary. Then the disciples.... And then... then Thomas. Doubting Thomas.

But today... well, today we are confronted with a tomb that has been empty for about 2,000 years. So we are left wondering if we still have Jesus. We are left wondering if Jesus is still showing up.

Each week in Sunday School, we go around asking the question “Where did you see Jesus this week?” The answers are usually that we see Jesus in a friend or a mom or dad. But one of the girls, Kacie, told us that she saw Jesus when she was playing basketball in her back yard. She wasn't very good at sports. He told her to relax and breathe. She did. And she won.

Kacie was beaming as she told us this. Couldn't wait to tell us. The unshakable reality that Jesus was with her in that basketball game rested upon her face in an ear-to-ear smile. Her excitement was palpable. Jesus showed up.

So where did YOU see Jesus this week? Where is Jesus showing up today? Because the question is no longer “Does Jesus still show up?” but “where?” And if Jesus is doing what he's done before, he's showing up in locked rooms.

(Pause) And.... He's coming to US. HE is coming to US. Jesus is showing up in the places where we already are.

What's more? Jesus keeps showing up. In the present tense. Today.

NOW. (walk to table)

HERE. (point to table)

And perhaps like Thomas, our response will be a simple, “My Lord and my God....!”

And though Jesus challenges Thomas by asking if he has believed because he has seen, it still seems abundantly clear that Jesus showed up anyway. Because it really isn't about Thomas' doubt. It's about how steadfast and faithful and loving our Lord is to us. Over and over.

The story even ends by saying that more things happened that weren't written down. “But these are written so that you may come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have life in his name.”

So we might say that the stories keep happening. We might keep looking to see where else is Jesus showing up for us? Perhaps in more locked rooms. In the middle of back yard basketball games. At the table. Or in the middle of us now. Jesus keeps showing up.

Amen.