A calling

Is this song a call story or what?

Snow Patrol - Chocolate

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

And the beat goes on...

Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.
-"Hallelujah"

After 5 months of a really good thing, my boyfriend and I have parted ways. We said back in the beginning that being in love did not mean two people should be in a relationship. We certainly loved. That was the beautiful gift - love. But we decided it was in our mutual interest to end things now. So, I just wanted you to know.

In other news:
1. Lent is finally drawing to a close. I'm preaching Palm Sunday and the 2nd sunday of Easter.
2. My home church voted to stay in the ELCA despite the fact that some were upset by the decision to ordain gays and lesbians. The best comment about this came from a gay friend of mine: "You know, more and more of those decisions are failing..." I love it.
3. I will find out my internship site April 19th. I've interviewed so far in Somonauk, IL, Billings, MT, Austin, TX, and Vancouver, WA. I've got a few more coming up for TX and Iowa. I'll keep you posted.

Wearing the sign of the cross

I got ashes on my forehead around noon today. Still had them across my forehead when I met with the Muslim woman I tutor in English. She saw them and was about to let me know that I had some dirt on my forehead when I realized what she was pointing to. I had to explain. This is a cross of ash. This is the beginning of Lent. This is when we remember our mortality. We are dust. To dust we shall return.

Then on my way back to my apartment, an African American man saw the cross, pointed to it and nodded at me. Then we stopped and chatted for a while. He needed some cash to feed his girls so I gave him the little cash I had in my car. But what I find incredible is the connection that the ashes gave us. (Tragically, that's the only part I know wasn't a lie.) Almost like, "Hey, you, you are a Christian. Me, too."

As I continued walking I wondered, if I had washed the cross off, what would have been different about my conversations? For the man I spoke with on the street, would I have been just a college student that might have had money to give him? Instead, with both people, I got to have conversation.

So I think my Lenten discipline will be to wear the sign of the cross each day - not in ashes but perhaps in jewelry or in clothing. What will it change about how I present myself to the world? Shame? Pride? Confidence? Humility? We'll see. I'll let you know.

Waiting Game

I wonder what it would be like to know the future.

I know scores of movies and books and television shows have been dedicated to that very subject. They usually deal with the psychological aspects of it - a sense of responsibility, a foreboding gloom, an appreciation for the present, etc. I don't know what my response would be but I'm very sure I wish I knew the future right now. I'd like to know what kind of career I'm going to have, where I'm going to live, what my family will look like or if I'll be single, and then bigger things like the state of the country and the world, including south side Chicago. Would seeing the future be motivating or would it make me lazy?

Maybe God's got a good way of dealing with it after all - revealing His plan one piece at a time as it is necessary. Revealing a few steps at a time. I guess I just get frustrated waiting for God to let me in on the plan. I get tired of being patient. And then there's the theory that you don't "wait" on anyone or anything, you act. But I feel like that goes with dating theory in response to "I'm waiting for the right one to come along" less than in response to "I'm waiting for God to tell me what's up." I don't think I'm unnecessarily indecisive but I'm certainly not one to snap into action.

So what do I do? Continue to wait? Wonder? Pray? Except my prayers all seem to be exasperated questions of what the future holds. I get tired of repeating myself. ;)

Another Sermon Manuscript for ya

This is a manuscript for a sermon to be preached the week after Easter next year. It's based on John 20:19-31. Enjoy!!

When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and the doors of the house where the disciples had met were locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” After he said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord. Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you.” When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.” But Thomas (who was called the Twin), one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.”

A week later his disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe.” Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!” Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe.” Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book. But these are written so that you may come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have life in his name.

You might say that we are a busy people. Not just here at the seminary but in the city. Especially in this country. So that means that we miss events. We can't travel to them. Or we've made other plans. We get sick. Or perhaps we just don't want to go.

Which happens right? But then that just makes it ten times worse when you hear about how AWESOME the party was. “You should have been there!!” which is inevitably followed by “You'll never believe what happened!” That's when the stories start pouring out. Who was there. What happened. All the that's what she said's... he said's. Ya know, the scoop. The details.


And then BAM – instant blues. Even if our reason for not going was completely justified, we might still feel just a bit sorry for ourselves. Why'd we have to miss THAT one?

Well I think Doubting Thomas could join in on our pity party. He could lead it! After all HE missed the event of the season. THE party. JESUS himself showed up and he missed it.

Can you imagine the disciples clamoring around Thomas the next day? “You should have been there!! You'll NEVER BELIEVE what happened!! We have seen the Lord!” And there's Thomas looking from face to face to face, waiting for them to crack up in laughter. They can't be serious. It couldn't have been Jesus.

Of course the beautiful irony is that after their “You'll never believe” is that fact that Thomas DOESN'T believe them... Even after all the “No, seriously. It was Jesus! He showed us his hands and his side! It was HIM!” Thomas doesn't believe the second hand story. If he were us, he'd have asked for a picture. Then again, if they had a picture, he'd have suspected it was photo shopped. Nothing is going to convince him.

After all, this isn't just some guy showing up to the party off the street. This is JESUS who was just crucified. Who is dead, right?? I mean, there's this rumor that Mary found the tomb empty and then saw Jesus... which we could believe.... except that no one really believed her when she told them either...

Okay, so... let's just say that Thomas does believe, at least a little bit, that Mary and the other disciples are telling the truth. These are fairly trustworthy sources. They don't usually like to trick him. They seem pretty serious about it.

Okay fine, what you are telling me is true. I believe your story. Jesus showed up at your party. But when does it become REAL for me? I believe that he's alive but, well, when do I get to see him? Where is Jesus NOW?

It's an honest question. One that we certainly ask today. Thomas asked it then of his friends. Thomas asked the question we could not and said what we might be afraid to say today. “Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.”
What would happen if we said that today? What kind of challenge would that be?

Then again, perhaps we just say it in a different way when we ache with loneliness for a god that we can touch. Something to hold onto and claim, “this is my lord and my god!” Someone to run to. Someone to look at. Someone to reach out and touch.

So I wonder what's behind Thomas' doubt. Perhaps it isn't about a lack of faith in a risen Lord so much as it is a longing for the real presence of Jesus.

And while we are still reveling in the mystery of the resurrection, we might miss the simple fact that Jesus keeps showing up. Not just for Mary. Not just for the disciples the first time. Jesus keeps showing up for people. First Mary. Then the disciples.... And then... then Thomas. Doubting Thomas.

But today... well, today we are confronted with a tomb that has been empty for about 2,000 years. So we are left wondering if we still have Jesus. We are left wondering if Jesus is still showing up.

Each week in Sunday School, we go around asking the question “Where did you see Jesus this week?” The answers are usually that we see Jesus in a friend or a mom or dad. But one of the girls, Kacie, told us that she saw Jesus when she was playing basketball in her back yard. She wasn't very good at sports. He told her to relax and breathe. She did. And she won.

Kacie was beaming as she told us this. Couldn't wait to tell us. The unshakable reality that Jesus was with her in that basketball game rested upon her face in an ear-to-ear smile. Her excitement was palpable. Jesus showed up.

So where did YOU see Jesus this week? Where is Jesus showing up today? Because the question is no longer “Does Jesus still show up?” but “where?” And if Jesus is doing what he's done before, he's showing up in locked rooms.

(Pause) And.... He's coming to US. HE is coming to US. Jesus is showing up in the places where we already are.

What's more? Jesus keeps showing up. In the present tense. Today.

NOW. (walk to table)

HERE. (point to table)

And perhaps like Thomas, our response will be a simple, “My Lord and my God....!”

And though Jesus challenges Thomas by asking if he has believed because he has seen, it still seems abundantly clear that Jesus showed up anyway. Because it really isn't about Thomas' doubt. It's about how steadfast and faithful and loving our Lord is to us. Over and over.

The story even ends by saying that more things happened that weren't written down. “But these are written so that you may come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that through believing you may have life in his name.”

So we might say that the stories keep happening. We might keep looking to see where else is Jesus showing up for us? Perhaps in more locked rooms. In the middle of back yard basketball games. At the table. Or in the middle of us now. Jesus keeps showing up.

Amen.

Life in Slow Motion

I think "Life in Slow Motion" is actually the name of a David Gray song. Haha. Apparently I compose things David Gray style even when I'm not musically talented! Anywho....

It has been quite week, friends. Last Sunday I contracted the plague. Well, some version of flu/cold/seasonal allergies really, but we all dubbed it the plague around here as it was myself a few others that had it. Terrible. Ran the gauntlet of ailments. "A sampler platter of illness" as one of my friends said. All that lingers now, fortunately, is a ear ache and a little congestion. I can handle that! Monday and Tuesday were horrible....

But I had a community that completely folded around me so I count myself incredibly blessed. I think the only reason I enjoy living alone so much is that I live alone... in the middle of a community. I have my own space... in the middle of a bunch of other people's spaces. It is superb.

Alas, I missed an entire week of classes. I did get to watch Glee, however... so all was not lost. But now I am peddling to catch up so I can go celebrate Thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family up in New York. I even get to see State Radio open for 311 with Sibling. Can't wait! But again, that's a week away. A LOT is due this week before next week arrives.

What else random can I share...

I preached at church this morning! It went pretty well. The first time I preached in a church. COMPLETELY affirming. I know it has been affirming to preach in my preaching class (in my preaching lab which is only 8 people thank you Jesus), but this was a whole new thing. Pastor introduced me which served to calm my nerves considerably. It felt like I was just a girl called to preach the Word. Just a sister in Christ sharing some good news. *Sigh* So life is pretty good.

Also, I'm seeing someone! (So life is great, really.) That's the other new development since I posted last. If you are around, you should meet him. If you aren't, you should... come visit me and then meet him. Haha. I'll not share massive details about him apart from saying that he is fabulous and makes me smile all the time. He also helped take care of me when I had the plague this week. What a guy...

I'll try to post a thoughtful entry later but this was simply to catch you up on my journey. Have a fabulous week blog world.

Self Help Books

So generally, I'm not a fan of self help books. I'd rather talk to a human. I'd rather just live life and see what happens instead of taking someone else's experiences as proof.

I say that to say that my wonderful mother keeps finding and giving me these amazing books on dating that I can't help but devour despite my skepticism... because they're so amazing.

So for your joy and because it is worth rereading, here's an excerpt from "If the Buddha Dated" by Charlotte Kasl that seemed to follow up my last post so nicely.

"Giving and receiving help us enter the river of spirit that connects us to each other. To give to others is to feel the joy of creation spilling from us. To receive is to be humbled, to shed our ego and allow another person to penetrate our barriers. We let them know they matter to us, they affect us. Our receptive heart becomes a gift to the giver. When love pierces our hearts, tears may rise because love flushes out anything that is buried." (ch. 28)

The book does add a little much of the "river flowing" for my tastes, but it says so much good stuff that I'm happy to indulge the author.

The Task of Being Loved

Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to be loved? After the discovery this summer that much of what I first present to the world is a performance/mask, I have been putting a lot of energy to present an authentic self to the world for better or worse. I've been delighted to discover it takes a little LESS energy to do that as opposed to presenting the mask. Hooray.

So I've been reflecting on why it is so hard for me to be loved. I know without a doubt in the world that my family loves me and always has. It's all the others. The rest of the world that causes me great doubt.

So it was especially interesting for me to revisit my high school. In many ways, this first real community of people who's opinion I cared about (though it most likely started in middle school). In that place, I felt like next to nothing. I wasn't part of the popular crowd. I didn't get asked to parties. I didn't sit with the cool kids in the circle. I had my few people and I knew they loved me. I told myself that the rest of them didn't matter but I assure you it hurt every time I heard about another party or event I had missed out on. I hurt every time that group cracked up in laughter at an inside joke that I didn't get. I didn't really like high school.

Theater was one of the redeeming things for much of the time. That sort of fell apart senior year, though. One of my best friends and I essentially had a falling out. My other best friend was off at college already. Both of the boys I liked were dating other girls. Let's just say I was ready to go to college...

College, then, was a chance to "reinvent" myself. I was embraced by all these fabulously nerdy friends in my honors program. We had beautifully silly deep conversations about God, we fought over politics, we bonded over movies and music. Still, I felt like I should know more politics, more culture, more literature, MORE. How had I not heard of THAT movie? Read THAT book? Why didn't I know who the ruler of that country was? I was behind intellectually. THAT sucked.

I'm sure that was part of the reason I took a year off before going onto seminary. Took time to decide just who I was. I started working at the coffee shop and met people that I adored. They even liked me. We got along smashingly. We buckled over in laughter. Had heaps of inside jokes. It was bliss. It was my place.

Still, due in part of the outgoing nature of the barista position, my coworkers got worried when I wasn't that bubbly. What was wrong? I remember one particular day when I was feeling neither depressed nor bubbly and was simply mellow. Everyone asked me what was wrong. I knew then that something WAS wrong if I couldn't be NOT chipper for a day without causing a stir.

Seminary was next. I was worried before I even got here that this would be a place of snobby do gooders who never drank, swore, or moved a toe out of line. I am happy to report to my bliss and ongoing relief that this place is filled with humans like me. People who are struggling through their own stuff. People who are real. Tragically, I still pretty much only knew how to be chipper, bubbly, susie sunshine. I was presenting what I thought people wanted.

This is a good moment to add an aside. All along I've had amazing friends that have gotten past that surface level and in many ways, they have saved me. Accepted me. Loved me.

But, CPE happened. It challenged all the ways I was presenting a mask, giving a performance, or trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be (including what I thought I SHOULD be). It was a really, really hard lesson. See my post in the midst of it? This one? Yeah, that was heart open honesty right there.

And in a sense, I've been trying to keep my heart that open (that raw?). Loving the intricacies that make up me. The randomness. The silliness. The seriousness. The sarcasm. The holy. The profane. The writer. The singer. The bum. The go getter. The child of God.

Still, I find it remarkable when others like me, want to be around me, love me. So abundantly blessed that I just shake my head and wonder why.

Think God's trying to tell me something??

The Past and Present

I think I could start every post with an apology for not posting more often. But you'll forgive me dear readers, right?

I just got back from a lovely trip south for good friends and family. One of my good friends got married last weekend and I got to be there in FL to celebrate with him! I'm only jealous I can't get to know his beautiful bride more. I did get to spend some fabulous time with my coffee shop friends (they're family - let's be honest). Then we traveled back up to Chattanooga so I could have a day or two to visit with everyone else I love there. The problem is I never seem to have enough time. This was also the case with my Nashville visit but I did get lots of quality sibling time and a full day with each of the parents. Splendid.

One of the more extraordinary parts of my visit to TN was the fact that I did a blast through my past by visiting my college, visiting my high school, and driving past my middle school. Really enjoyed visiting the high school as I went to see two of my favorite teachers. Got to catch up with them. It was seriously strange walking down those hallways with all those little bitty kids though! Was I that small? Yes, yes I'm sure I was. I felt so grown up THEN but it doesn't seem right in comparison to how grown up I feel now. I know that feeling will continue to frequent my body, though, so I guess I best get used to it?

Good to see how much I've changed and how much I am still unshakably ME. That's the best part about visiting the past, right? Noting the change or lack thereof?

On a side note, despite concentrated efforts to throw off the familial opinion that I am a klutz/ditz, I left my cell phone in my mother's car when she dropped me off at the airport. So if you'd like to get in touch with me this week, please email (or stop by if you are able).

All the best. (insert comment to post more often here)

The Playground Problem (a sermon manuscript)

(Dear friends, this is the manuscript for the sermon I preached this morning on Luke 19:1-10. Thought a few of you might want to read it!)

Have you ever pictured Zaccheus as a little boy? To begin with, his name means innocent. He's short. We see him climbing up trees. Eager to see this grown up person, Jesus. Climbing down out of the tree as fast as he can because Jesus has said he's coming over to his house to play. I can picture them arriving at the house and this little boy eagerly taking Jesus' hand to show him all the cool toys he has in his room.

Or maybe you see Zaccheus as a grown man. He is a chief tax collector. He's rich. Today, his house would be strewn with the latest technology. He might drive a sports car. Either way, he's still the unpopular kid on the playground. Not throwing big birthday parties at his house but perhaps sitting alone at his own table at lunchtime, munching on a PB&J and wondering why he has so few friends. But we'd say he's a good kid. He gives away his lunch money and says he's SO sorry when he accidentally trips another kid on the playground.

Or maybe you picture the adult Zaccheus, sitting alone in his big house. He's a good man. He gives monthly to local and international charities that work to end poverty and is always quick to apologize if he makes a mistake at work or unknowingly does something wrong to a member of his staff.

We would call him a good man. Zaccheus is good kid.

So perhaps it is even more heartbreaking when we hear the crowd start to grumble. We know what's coming next. And then we hear it, “Four eyes.” “Stupid.” “Shrimp.” “Why is Jesus going to HIS house?” “Sinner.”

Is it any wonder that immediately after these grumblings, Zaccheus stands up straight and tells Jesus about his annual giving percentage and his track record of correcting wrongs? Looking up into Jesus' face and pleading, “I'm a good man.” Or perhaps, with tears on the playground, asking “Why?”

In those words, I find the story hits home.

This is the season of Endorsement, after all. The time when we get to tell our synod candidacy committees that we are fit for ministry. Ready for internship next year. We've written our essays about grace and baptism and finding our gifts here and we've added stories about how much we learned in CPE this summer.

I met with my committee two weeks ago. And I know that buried in my attempts to prove myself to them... lingered all my doubts. What if I'm not ready yet? Will they say no? What if God is calling me to do something else? What if I'm too much of a sinner to ever lead the church?

I don't know what your doubts are. Maybe they're a lot like mine. Maybe you worry if God can actually craft you into the kind of pastor you dream of being. Maybe you worry if you are doing enough. Studying enough. Attending chapel enough. And in that, we're like Zaccheus. As eager as we are to take Jesus' hand, we worry what the crowd will say.

Because Zaccheus isn't only speaking to Jesus but to the crowd gathered around him that is singing mockingly at the little kid in glasses, “Zaccheus can't see us!!” We're back on the playground, watching the other kids taunt us. And even though we're in seminary now, we carry those voices around with us.

So what does Jesus do? Here he is on the playground with this little child, Zaccheus; or, in the house of this man Zaccheus who is desperately trying to prove himself worthy. Offering up twenty different reasons why he's good enough. Telling the other kids that he's good enough to have Jesus over.

So Jesus says, “Today salvation has come to this house since he also is a son of Abraham.”

It is a profound statement. In it, Jesus claims Zaccheus as a child of God.

Important.

Worthy.

Loved.

In Jesus' response to the crowd's grumbling, he quiets them. He doesn't tell them Zaccheus won him over with his fancy house or fun toys. He doesn't tell the crowd that Zaccheus won him over by his laundry list of good deeds and gold stars.

Jesus tells the crowd that Zaccheus is a son of Abraham. Jesus claims Zaccheus as a child of God.

And I wonder why Jesus even stopped, called him down out of tree, from the margins, and decided to sleepover. Perhaps he saw the desperation of that face in the tree. Knew all that Zaccheus was doing to try to prove himself. Knew that he needed to hear that he was a child of God. Knew that he needed a visit from Jesus.

Jesus does that today, too. Claims us as sons and daughters of God. It matters not that we are children or adults. Jesus doesn't care about the depth or shallowness of our pockets. Jesus even knows that we ARE sinners. Knows all of our doubts. And Jesus quiets them again and again by claiming us.

My committee recommended me for endorsement... but some of you know that the experience was difficult. Instead of feeling affirmed about the things that God has been planting in me making me ready for ministry, I felt even more full of doubt. I was worried about my worthiness for ministry. I was questioning everything.

Sadly, it wasn't their telling me that they were recommending me for Endorsement that made me remember I was a child of God, but the community that wrapped its arms around me afterwards.

The friend who made me coffee and brought it to me when I said I didn't want to talk. And then stayed and listened to me talk for an hour. The friend who told me I was fabulous and reminded me of all those along the way who have told me that they want me to be a pastor.

They were Jesus to me. Quieting the crowd that was raging inside me. Reminding me that Jesus has claimed me. It wasn't about what I could do and it certainly wasn't about proving myself to my committee. It was the simple reminder that Jesus claims me.

Jesus claims YOU. Jesus claims each and every one of us as sons and daughters of God.