Tuition is not RED, unless you can't afford it

Oh to hear the thoughts I've been thinking these past few days. I've been watching/listening to this David Gray video on repeat. It's just catchy. I can't help it. "My head is rolling like a waterfall. Give me everything or none at all." He makes corny rhymes and I don't even mind.

So what have I been thinking? Oh, just more about trivial pursuits and being loved and being lonely. One of my best friends is dealing with being newly officially single and I'm dealing with being perpetually single (on top of a newly broken heart). We are QUITE a pair. Mostly we have been talking about the past and how you look forward to the future when you are stuck with today. Growing up is entirely overrated.

YELLOW: I didn't get that scholarship. Well, I got $3,000 which is still lovely. It just doesn't seem so great in comparison to the full tuition. I was one in four to be nominated. I had a 50/50 chance of getting it and I lost. Can I be honest and say I'm not used to losing? So, yesterday was a hard day. Feeling a tad unloved, unwanted, etc. But I'm thankful that they are just days. Just a few. Keeps me humble and keeps me in God's hands, yes?

Best get ready for coffee duty (I'll be there forever tonight). Come visit!

All Lights are GREEN, Systems are GO

The officially official word on the street is... I AM IN!! After a somewhat grueling interview that lasted about 40 minutes... I was forced to wait an additional 15 minutes for a deliberation session (I sat downstairs between two best friends). They called me back up and said I was in. After telling me what they saw as my spiritual gifts (including being open minded and intelligent - wow, who's humbled??), they asked if I had any questions. I didn't. Then they asked me to close in prayer. I did.

Then I hugged the entire room. Then I went downstairs and hugged everyone down there. Then we hit the road and I called everyone I could think to call. Bliss. Pure bliss. The fact that the call I had merely privately pursued was now confirmed by a committee of discerning individuals who represent my church... was huge. I'm not insane! What joy. What comfort. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Hoorah!

It helped to have two of my best friends along telling me that they will be attending my future church, telling everyone to congratulate me, and generally being proud of me. What a huge compliment my friends gave me by simply being there and loving me. I am blessed. So incredibly blessed.

On a complete side note: you should all watch Paris, je t'aime / Paris, I Love You. My heart swoons! Also, if you are in ATL anytime soon, you should check out two fabulous eateries: R. Thomas and Cafe Intermezzo. Yum and double yum. To try: Sweet Chai Yerba Mate and Cinnamon Nirvana (R. and I loved them both to the last drop). The chicken curry wrap. The sweet potatoes. The mango pie. Then at the cafe: crepes, espresso intermezzo (almonds!), hummus, and salad. All delicious. All delicious.

Offically offical seminary updates are not Red either

Or maybe all updates are red? Who even knows! Let's make 'em yellow. I like yellow.

So here's the deal:
Applying to seminary is a two track kind of deal. The first track is the "candidacy process" that you begin generally with your pastor and your church. My church belongs to the ELCA. The ELCA is divided up into synods. My church is part of the southeastern synod. Thus, my candidacy process is through the synod. My big bad interview saturday is with the synod (the synod office is in ATL) and this is the final step on this track.

The other track is the application to seminary. Some choose to not attend an ELCA seminary though from what I gathered, that is greatly frowned upon because it is makes is so much more difficult to become ordained because of the extra year involved (catching up on all things Lutheran, you see?). So, whatevs. I liked Chicago. There was an ELCA school there. That's when LSTC came into the picture. God pushed. I walked. God presented. I accepted.

It seems like all those decisions were easy and painless, but they took at least two or three years of my life and school to figure out. What kind of seminary? Did I want to stay in the ELCA? Did I like all the things they taught and believed? Did I want to attend a secular divinity school? Chicago... really?

Alas, here I am. Nearing the final step. Applying for grants and asking for prayer. I've been accepted to the seminary... pending approval of the synod. I applied or am applying for two different grants. The Fund for Leaders was the one with the insane questions. Then I just found out about the Munderloh Foundation Grant. The Munderloh is worth $2,500. Neither covers the internship year (typically the third year of four years of school). So that is quite exciting. I'll keep you posted, I'm sure.

Other questions about the process or where I'm at? I'm leaving Chattanooga the end of July. I'll be starting school late August/early September. Yay? :)

Baby Showers are Green and Yellow when the baby's a surprise

Surprise Party #1 = SUCCESS!!!!
Surprise Party #2 = failure...

Well... at least I got one out of two? Apparently planning two at once is nice in one respect because it makes it a total shocker to the person who assumed it was the second person's party. (If that didn't make sense... welcome to the last month of my life). Otherwise, it is no good.

L was totally surprised. Walked up to the house the party was at and asked why there were only Starbucks people out (where were all of R's other friends?). I had to put my arm around her and say, "L, dear... this is all for you. R's not even coming tonight. Surprise!" before she even started to get it. Then she walked through the front door to turn and see her husband waiting for her (he was supposed to be at work). She was delighted and overwhelmed. Basically... she was adorable.

Games we played:

Feed the Baby: Four teams of two raced to feed each other a jar of nasty organic baby food. Impressive how into it the teams got.

Tummy Wrap : We cut off ribbon the length we thought Ls belly would be. Even L did! I joked as people were cutting off the ribbon that I would win because I hug her so much. Then I won. They all thought I was cheating....

Baby's First Meal : One bowl in the center of the table. Lots of cotton balls around it. One spoon. One blindfold. Object of the game? Get as many of those cotton balls into the bowl as you can in one minute. You don't feel anything because the cotton balls are so light. It was HILARIOUS.

Playdough Baby Contest: Everyone teamed up and the playdough was distributed. The clock started ticking. Then when time was up, we presented L with our little playdough babies. They looked... like aliens. The playdough baby with the outie belly button and little curl won her heart though. Yay!

Tinkle Relay Race: I don't know the real name of this game. It is supposed to make fun of the preggo of the party having to go to the bathroom constantly. We had three teams relay down a narrow hallway with a quarter between their knees. Destination? A very small pail at the end of the hallway. If you dropped it, you had to go back. It was wonderful bumping into each other and dropping your quarter every other step. I was so glad I wore a skirt!

Poopy Diapers: For the parents to be, we grabbed ten candy bars and melted them into newborn diapers (SOOOO SMALL!!). They had to nibble at the "poo" and guess the flavor. Those pictures are priceless...

So it was fun. But I am so glad it is over and I can stop lying outright to one of my best friends. That's rough! No one ever told me that about surprise parties. But I digress... I leave tomorrow for the big bad interview. So now my energy shifts there. Send prayer. :)

therapy is colorless, like rain

p.s. I adore my new counselor. I'd pay her millions. If I had millions... The hardest thing she's asked me to do, my "homework" for the week, is to listen to whatever that running tape in my head says. The little comments that you tell yourself that might be negative that you don't say out loud. Generally reprimanding yourself for being stupid, ugly, etc. It has been quite a ball, let me tell you. What's hilarious so far? I don't have commentary; I have a running tape of LOOKS from people. Looks that SAY, "You are ridiculous" or what have you. Interesting. V. interesting.

This weekend was red, MEAN RED

This past weekend has been a week all on its own. Today I started to say "last week" and realized that it was indeed less than 48 hours ago. Sad. So sad. But there was junk food and good friends and way too much time spent at work (which both added to and reduced the stress this weekend - based on who I was working with and the crankiness of my customers). God bless DQ which has now returned to Hamilton Place. Chicken fingers, fries, random halves of bread, and delicious blizzards. *Sigh* It feels so good to be so bad.

In other news... I have been nominated for a grant worth $2500, renewable for two extra years. That'd be a total of $7500. I'm excited. Again, there is the task of getting past the paper work for it, but my school seems excited to work through the process with me. God bless them. I think they're more excited right now than my synod is. I feel like a hassle to them instead of a blessing. Speaking of... my big bad interview to complete my "candidacy process" is this weekend. Saturday 9am. SEND PRAYER. I don't know why I'm freaking out about it. I'm hauling two of my best friends with me to the great ATL on Friday night. Why worry? Right?

It is just the unknown. The what-can-go-wrong worry. Does the unknown freak anyone else out? Stupid question, sorry. Of course it does. That's why we adore Death Cab's song about the dark. "If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark." I heard Ben Gibbard talking about that song once. Perhaps it was on the intro to his itunes original stuff? Regardless, he said that he knows just as much about the afterlife as the pope does. I chuckled. My brother chuckled. Then we fell more in love with that song.

On a side note, I never realize how much I need or miss people until I can't reach them. Until I don't see them for days, weeks, or (sadly) months. I'm trying to contain the compulsion to shut down and start saying goodbye 3 months early. But I feel myself doing it. I'm already starting to say goodbye. So here's a public apology for saying goodbye too soon. I'm just trying to take it all as it comes. There are just some weekends when it all hits at once. ;)

Trivial Pursuit isn't red, it doesn't even have a red piece (I promise it is orange)!

I'm giving up on trivial pursuits. No, not the board game (which, ironically, I am also quite terrible at). Let us define the terms and then discuss.

TRIVIAL: of very little importance or value; insignificant, common, ordinary

PURSUIT: any occupation, pastime, or the like, in which a person is engaged regularly or customarily (synonyms - chase, inclination)

And now we combine. What are trivial pursuits? Insignificant inclinations. Ways to pass the time that have little importance. So why, then, pursue? Why chase? This is my point.

If you have known me for five minutes, you know that I am a hopeless romantic. This tends to get me into trouble when it comes to the fellows. My friends and I have decided that we fall for the potential in guys. I admit this is terrible and is most likely just a euphemism for "fixing" our boyfriends. Let someone else post on that. What I'm saying is, I basically always have my eye on a guy. I am hopeful. Then it doesn't work (whether the guy is interested or not rarely plays into it). I move on. This cycle has repeated more times than I'm comfortable with. And I'm done. Done. No more trivial pursuits. No more GAMES.

Want to know the cheesy part? I have to keep reminding myself that I'm worth being pursued. Right? Why do we all love Pride and Prejudice (of which I just saw performed at Lee University and quite enjoyed)? "You must permit me to tell you how ardently I love and admire you." HELLO! It helps that is generally a very dashing gentleman performing the line, namely Colin Firth, but it is the words. That doesn't happen in real life! We don't get the luxury of romantic gestures. But it is the being pursued that I'm talking about. "If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on." Alrighty. Try to resist Mr. Macfadyen saying that to you. Try.

So, world. Here's the question. Do I wait for romantic gestures? Do I wait to be pursued? Or do I wrap my head around a more practical, calm, simple version of love? Is it both?

Your turn to roll the dice -

Rednecks are RED, they are SO red

So I spent the morning helping a friend move into her new place. Of course there was some cleaning to do before the new furniture and such could be moved in. The best part where the things we found that had been left behind by the previous owners. One word: RANDOM. I really enjoyed the razor and soap left the in the shower (EW!), the Dale's Steak Sauce in a bottle on the grill (YUM!), and the Christmas decor left in the garage. I took a picture of one of the Christmas fixtures. Yes, there were four. It is so redneck that I just have to laugh. If you can't tell from the picture... it is a ball of Christmas twinkle lights... and stuck through the bottoms of clear plastic solo cups. I kid you not. This is homemade. Wow. I heart the south.

Therapy is whatever COLOR you see in the ink blots

So I'm finally seeking therapy... and I'm SO excited. I get to pay someone to listen to all of my STUFF (and save you some work, too! bonus!). I was joking last night at work, as we listened to Liz Wright, that I should just hand my new therapist a stack of song lyrics. "Here's me - in lyrical form. Enjoy." Something to add to the list:

"And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones."
-Decemberists

My Rachel friend just sent that my way. Isn't it magical? Of course, it is on my Hype Machine dashboard. So go listen. Enjoy. :)

David Gray is not red, he's blue

Well, I don't know if David Gray is BLUE per se... but I do know that his lyrics really hit the spot sometimes. So here's a post, a tribute to the man who has traveled with me (lyrically and musically) through every phase of my life.

"Tell the [...] stars above that you’re the one I love"

-The One I Love

"Some days i'm bursting at the seams with all my half

remembered dreams and then it shoots me down again"

-Ain't No Love

"This years love had better last. Heaven knows it's

high time. And I've been waiting on my own too long"

-This Years Love

"Someone tell me where did it go.

Darling I'm damned if I know"

-Lately

"From here you can almost see the sea. Just another fool in the line.
I dream of high clouds, flushed with the light of daybreak"

-From Here... the Sea

"Send a little prayer out to ya

‘cross the falling dark "

-The One I Love

"Feels like lightning

running through my veins

everytime I look at you"

-Please Forgive Me

"Ah but Caroline,

It seems like everytime

Honey all I get, is further away"

-Caroline

"All my words are falling short

and there's so much I want to say"

-Please Forgive Me

"Drag a salted kiss

from this cup of bliss,

watch a new lie twist on the breeze "

-Lately

"I got half a mind to scream out loud

I got half a mind to die"

-Please Forgive Me

"Praise the lord above

And sell sell sell"

-Sell, Sell, Sell

"Cause we're gonna need more

Than money and science

To see us through this world.

You say it can't be done

You'd rather die of fun."

-Forever Is Tomorrow Is Today