Ask me Monday

So that church I like? Interviewed last night. The pastor said I should feel confident in how it went. But my brain doesn't operate that way. Where my head is going?

OhmygodifIgetthejob..... I will have to work so hard and I don't even know exactly how to do the job I am about to be employed to do except that I can love people to the best of my ability and after all that is what is most important but what about those job specific things that I learned in seminary or was supposed to learn but what if I was sick that day and will I come across as a total fool who has no idea what she is doing and make them regret that they hired me.....

See that run on sentence? That's my brain right now. My brain on post-interview.

I will hear back from the church after Sunday. There were at least two other candidates. It is hard not to think of them and wonder if they too are feeling called to this place and this ministry. Are they better qualified? More interested? Married? Babies? Does that mean they should be the family and youth minister?

I apologize. I am rambling again.

And sometimes, well a lot of the last day, I just get too overwhelmed and I have to stop thinking about it. So for all of you who have asked me how it went and I didn't respond... I don't have a response yet. Ask me Sunday. Or Monday. Monday would be good.

Grieving Our Losses

It's odd when grieving happens. It bubbles up from things that you thought you had long since processed or recovered from.

I'm a home body. Homebody? I'm wicked attached to the place where I lay my head. It's my center. My place of refuge and place of recharging (yes, I'm a robot - don't tell).

In some vampire folktales, vampires have to carry with them a piece of soil from the land where they were turned or have to stay on that home soil for their entire long lives. Home matters. Their territorial about it, too.

So as I pack more boxes and prepare for my interview on Monday (PLEASE send prayer), I am actually weeping over the lose of home (plural? collective?). From the home that I had before my folks divorced to the various places I lived throughout college and seminary. I miss home.

My junk is spread out in so many places. I have a few things back in Chicago with my former roommate. The majority of my stuff is in my cousin's basement in IL. Some things from college and the old house are in my dad's basement here in TN. Some random bins of this and that and childhood things are in my mom's garage. I had about 15 boxes in my brother's attic until he added them to the collection at dad's last week.

Then I have my suitcases that I've been living out of for two months +.

I'm tired. I miss home. I want that job. I want a home. I want to paint walls. I want ALL of my things in one place. I want to store the suitcases up in a closet and recycle all those cardboard boxes. I want home again.

Rest and Water

I've spent the last week in Mississippi with seven youth from a church in New England. We were working outside on an historic house in Biloxi weeding, landscaping, planting bushes, cleaning up debris, scraping and painting siding, and fencing in an area for little kids to play in. Every hour or so the pastor or I would call out, "Take a break. Grab some water." We would sit on the front steps in the shade, drink down some water, and get back to work.

So perhaps that is why my brain is set on the connection between water and rest. And because I am who I am, I think about baptism. I've been kind of drifting these past two months, without a true center or home. I spent 25 days in Germany, a few weeks in TN, 4 days in FL for Sibling's wedding, and 10 days on this mission trip. No where is really home. I've been living out of a suitcase for two months and for me, while I enjoy the simple-ness of that, it is exhausting. I like having a center. I've always tried to shift away from making that a place, but we, as humans, are tied to places. I'll never understand a nomad lifestyle. If I roam, I like to come home.

So what about baptism, eh? I realized that at the very center of me is an identity that is unshakable. I am a baptized child of God no matter where I lay my head. No matter where I find home. No matter how restless my soul may feel in this in-between time.

For a time I said that I had "people homes." I reasoned that people I loved were my homes. While this is still somewhat true, I recognize that people do not always refresh me, I cannot always rely on them, and I still get lonely. This is especially true as I recognize that some of my best friends are getting married and need me less (and need to spend time on that special relationship), some are having babies and have less time for many things, and some are scattered across the country seeking their purpose in life. Telephone calls and Skype make things easier but it is never quite the same. And even then, I find myself listening a lot and caring for others instead of taking time to process how crazy life is for me right now.

I don't mean to complain. I have so many friends and family members who care so much about me. I have tons of places to stay with people who love me and often ask how I am. Genuinely. For this, I am so grateful. So lucky.

What I mean to say is that there is an unshakable, unchangeable, constancy in the depths of me. It is there... here in this ID as a child of God where I am finding new energy and peace. If this crazy summer of wandering has taught me nothing else, it has taught me this. I am okay on my own.

Travel Annoyance

I often wonder why airport travel is so taxing on my person. What is it about sitting down all day that is so exhausting???

And as I sit here, listening to a little girl cry because her parents threw away the rest of her juice... I stop wondering. Overhearing family arguments is so much fun. Overhearing people's personal phone calls at top volume is just as much fun. Slightly less uncomfortable but annoying.

My mom and I talk about sensory overload. Taking in all the sights, all the sounds, everything about one's environment. At the airport, meeting so many people, sitting in and among people and their virtual personal space is exhausting. Listening to every overhead announcement just to triple check and make sure it isn't about me or my flight. Making sure my baggage is with me "at all times" for security reasons. Having to re-pack up everything if I want to go to the bathroom or grab a drink.

Sigh.

That little girl is still crying and her parents are still yelling at her. *makes awkward turkey symbols with hands*

I'm ready to be home!!

Pet peeves

#23 Crowding around the belt so no one else can get it.

Dahan says this is not time to make a metaphor about accessibility and the Eucharist. Lol.

Mindfulness

Of all I have learned of the major religions that govern our great world, I believe they each try to teach a way to be present to the present. In Hinduism they call it mindfulness. It is all over Buddhism as a way to avoid suffering. And in Christianity, we have Christ telling us that he IS. To not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.

I'm enjoying my summer. I got to travel to Germany. I got to bless the marriage of my brother and his new wife. In Florida. On the beach. And now I get to be in TN with friends and family. What more could a woman want?

Oh, a job, right? In the midst of my mindfulness... I remember that I am waiting. Waiting through a transition. Waiting for not only a job, but a move, a new place to call home, a new set of friends, a congregation to love and do ministry with, and even a pet of my very own.

I have a phone call conversation with the lead pastor of a church tomorrow. Hopefully after that, an interview with the call committee will follow. Keep me in your prayers. I'm really excited about this one...

The in between time

Hello again! I have basking in my TN surroundings and trying to beat the heat. Wow, south, you and the heat don't mess around. Thank God for air conditioning!!!

I have another church's paperwork and I am really, really excited. Their job description for the associate pastor sounds like it was tailor made for me. Can't wait to talk to them more...

Heading to FL in two days - Sibling is getting married!! It's real. Love Currey to pieces. They are a beautiful couple. I am excited to be a part of the wedding Saturday. Keep us all in your prayers and have a great weekend whatever it brings you!

Getting a Call

I realize I have been lax about updating as regards my getting a call. My apologies!

The way this works: I have been assigned to the South Central Wisconsin synod. That means I will likely get a call in the greater Madison area. In this particular synod, they give a church a handful of names for an open position. Other synods may only give one name at a time. There are advantages to both methods.

I got paperwork for one church, met with the pastor, and had a Skype interview with the call committee. They opted not to meet me face to face. I was somewhat disappointed but ultimately knew that that particular church was not the best fit for me. Perhaps they recognized this as well?

Then while in Germany, I got another set of paperwork for a church in Madison. Since I could not do that interview in person, I set up a Skype interview for 2am my time! After the internet at that particular hotel ran out 2/3 of the way through their questions, I felt already that it would be a good fit. I enjoyed the people I spoke with and appreciated their questions of me.

However, by the time I got internet back to figure out how to answer their remaining questions and to ask the few that I had, the lead pastor had contacted me to tell me that they were offering the position to someone else. This was preceded and followed by very complimentary things about me which was nice.

So now I wait. I've scheduled a meeting with my Bishop to see what else might be available in the synod, to touch base, and to get a sense of a timeline. There's no guarantee's, of course, which can be frustrating. But that's the job market even beyond the church so I really have no room to complain!

Keep me in your prayers (and thank you for your prayers). I am trying to keep the "but what's so wrong with me" at a low level and in check. Rejection in any case is difficult, very much like dating, ironically...

I keep breathing and try to remember that God is at work.

München

A fantastic fountain in Munich that shoots INWARD instead of outward. Love it.

You should know I'm a HUGE fan of Annunciation art. This was in Munich at the Church of Our Lady. Gorgeousness....

Recovery Day

For me, recovery days are crucial. I am an introvert which means that while I do adore people and being around them, I have to come home to recharge and find my center again. So trips like these with large groups (52 total on my Luther tour) are especially taxing to my person. Last night I arrived back in Stuttgart to my home away from home. Sleeping in, delicious pastries from the corner bakery, and lots of time to play Castleville.... ;)

More (instagrammed) pics from the trip:

Delicious beer continues to abound.

Woah huge pretzel! From the green market in Munich. My dear Carolyn and I.

That's me. And that's Luther's room at the Wartburg. HOLY SHIT.

From the Bach house in Eisenach. This is showing how they did facial reconstruction from a skull they hoped was Bach's. Turns out... totally was. I am fascinated by things like this. Or I've watched too many episodes of Bones.

The stained glass windows that inspired Luther's rose!