Sunday, December 11, 2011
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Cranky
I would love to tell you that being in ministry means that no one is jerk, no one takes advantage of others, and everything is hymn singing and harmonies. But I'd be lying.
It's the end of the semester. A long but fast semester as it turns out. I'm still two papers away from the end of this semester (graduation in May...) and I've got little energy to put towards those papers, much less anything else.
But then something comes up and I find myself absolutely hating someone. I'm being vague intentionally and I'm sorry that I have to be. But it doesn't really matter as the issue is not the person, but the hate.
I'm not one to hate. I just don't. I find that I go back to anyone I have issues with and we resolve them, even if we can never return to the level of trust and intimacy we had previously. I don't like burning bridges, etc. I'm friends (in some sense of the word) with all of my exes and two good friends who really hurt me.
What do you do when the issues can't be resolved? When you've made the effort again and again (and again) to figure out how to be in relationship with a person and you keep getting walked on? I'm at a loss.
And yet, as a soon-to-be-pastor, I feel as if I should be moving towards forgiving. I should let grace abound and get over it. I should move on. What's that whole thing about forgiveness being for the person forgiving, not the one being forgiving? Don't hold on to hate. Etc., etc..
Perhaps it is too soon. Perhaps I'm just up to my ears in emotion and need to give myself a few years to cool off....
It's the end of the semester. A long but fast semester as it turns out. I'm still two papers away from the end of this semester (graduation in May...) and I've got little energy to put towards those papers, much less anything else.
But then something comes up and I find myself absolutely hating someone. I'm being vague intentionally and I'm sorry that I have to be. But it doesn't really matter as the issue is not the person, but the hate.
I'm not one to hate. I just don't. I find that I go back to anyone I have issues with and we resolve them, even if we can never return to the level of trust and intimacy we had previously. I don't like burning bridges, etc. I'm friends (in some sense of the word) with all of my exes and two good friends who really hurt me.
What do you do when the issues can't be resolved? When you've made the effort again and again (and again) to figure out how to be in relationship with a person and you keep getting walked on? I'm at a loss.
And yet, as a soon-to-be-pastor, I feel as if I should be moving towards forgiving. I should let grace abound and get over it. I should move on. What's that whole thing about forgiveness being for the person forgiving, not the one being forgiving? Don't hold on to hate. Etc., etc..
Perhaps it is too soon. Perhaps I'm just up to my ears in emotion and need to give myself a few years to cool off....
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Haircuts, Glasses, Coats
Funny how when you change the outside, you sometimes feel better on the inside.
Chopped off my hair this weekend, got a new pair of glasses with an update prescript, and got a new winter coat (mega on sale which makes it better). I feel good.
And yet...
As All Saints Day is coming up, I remember those who have died. I remember those who are dying. I've been grieving for the upcoming death of my good friend from high school and church, Carrie, who has been struggling with an aggressive cancer. Pray for peace as she is surrounded by the love of family in these final days.
In the now immortal words of my seminary colleages, FUCK CANCER. My new hair, new glasses, new coat... do nothing to stop the onslaught of disease in our bodies or in the world. Though I do find some comfort in them, I struggle with the balance. Haircuts and glasses and warm coats are necessary, yes. Perhaps this is guilt? Guilt that I am alive to enjoy and need haircuts, glasses, and coats.
Happy All Saints day soon. I'm celebrating with a new haircut, new glasses, and a new winter coat.
Chopped off my hair this weekend, got a new pair of glasses with an update prescript, and got a new winter coat (mega on sale which makes it better). I feel good.
And yet...
As All Saints Day is coming up, I remember those who have died. I remember those who are dying. I've been grieving for the upcoming death of my good friend from high school and church, Carrie, who has been struggling with an aggressive cancer. Pray for peace as she is surrounded by the love of family in these final days.
In the now immortal words of my seminary colleages, FUCK CANCER. My new hair, new glasses, new coat... do nothing to stop the onslaught of disease in our bodies or in the world. Though I do find some comfort in them, I struggle with the balance. Haircuts and glasses and warm coats are necessary, yes. Perhaps this is guilt? Guilt that I am alive to enjoy and need haircuts, glasses, and coats.
Happy All Saints day soon. I'm celebrating with a new haircut, new glasses, and a new winter coat.
Sunday, October 09, 2011
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
The Church and Being Pissed Off
I'm pissed off. I really, truly am.
You see, two years ago, my church body made a decision. And now no one seems to be standing behind that decision.
I'm not trying to be vague. The ELCA voted to ordain gay and lesbian clergy who were in committed relationships. In the in between time, many individual churches have left the ELCA. I get that some people believe homosexuality is a sin. Scripture does not convince me of that, however. I fully support my GLBTQ brothers and sisters. I am a proud ally.
And recently, two dear friends have been rejected because of their sexuality. They're young and have amazing skills for ministry and a passion for what this church could be. And yet, they aren't allowed to do ministry. People seemed to be scared. Fear is stopping people from calling my dear friends to be leaders in this church.
I'm pissed off. I really, truly am.
It's time to take a stand.
You see, two years ago, my church body made a decision. And now no one seems to be standing behind that decision.
I'm not trying to be vague. The ELCA voted to ordain gay and lesbian clergy who were in committed relationships. In the in between time, many individual churches have left the ELCA. I get that some people believe homosexuality is a sin. Scripture does not convince me of that, however. I fully support my GLBTQ brothers and sisters. I am a proud ally.
And recently, two dear friends have been rejected because of their sexuality. They're young and have amazing skills for ministry and a passion for what this church could be. And yet, they aren't allowed to do ministry. People seemed to be scared. Fear is stopping people from calling my dear friends to be leaders in this church.
I'm pissed off. I really, truly am.
It's time to take a stand.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Deadlines
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
On Tuesday, I find that neither the first, nor the second email got sent from my phone. This increases my hate for my phone. I now have upset the person trying to get this (now very late) paper. I e-mail it from my laptop. Success.
2. I also needed to turn in my project evaluation from internship. I keep forgetting. The recipient keeps asking. I keep forgetting when I am near my computer. I email it from my computer during one of my classes on Wednesday.
3. I was one of the brilliant people who decided to present an exegesis paper in my Gospel of John class on the third week of class (God bless those who went the second week). That's basically a biblical research paper. This was due Tuesday at noon. I sent it in at 11:59. Then my roommate graciously printed the papers and walked them to the professors while I went back to babysitting.
4. For my Monday afternoon class, I neglected to get the reading done (see #3). And I completely forgot that there is a reflection due on our reading at the start of each class. I have yet to email this in.
5. Monday evenings are also the time to turn in another reading reflection, this for a class that meets on Thursday. I never did it. See #3.
6. As I'm remembering about the reading journal for the Thursday class, I remember that I failed to email or print the paper due last Thursday. I just sent in the electronic copy. I'll hook the printer up in a bit and print that tonight. Or perhaps tomorrow...
FML.
Thursday, September 08, 2011
Dream State
The world looks so different now. As if internship were a dream I had that I am now waking from, a big sleepy, a big groggy. And yet, I am changed. Not in the sense that you had a dream where something bad happened and awoke and couldn't shake it for the day... but a knowledge that I have changed. Things deep within me have been rewired. I see the world differently from when I was last here.
And here, for those who can't follow my travels (I understand, I barely can), is Chicago. Back at seminary again for a final year of academics. I return to find several faculty and staff gone and new ones arrived. I come back to two different classes of students. I come back to slightly different courtyards, hallways, stairwells, and offices. Small things have shifted that allow me to realize I've been gone a year.
I'm a True Blood fan. This you should know well. On the first episode of this season, the main character, Sookie Stackhouse, comes back home after being in fairy land (yeah, it's bizarre, don't ask) only to discover that she's been gone over a year. Her home looks different, babies have been born, her ex is king, and her brother is now a cop. Sometimes, the only way to know you've been gone is to see the changes in others.
So here, beyond the walls and objects that mark time, my friends have grown into pastor, preachers, ministers, and stronger people of faith. Listening to them speak about the places they were on internship and the people they met and ministered to and with reminds me that I too have my stories. And though that have a dream like sheen to them, my heart assures me I spent a year in Billings, Montana doing ministry.
To quote Talladega Nights, "That just happened!!!"
I'll work on believing it now.
And here, for those who can't follow my travels (I understand, I barely can), is Chicago. Back at seminary again for a final year of academics. I return to find several faculty and staff gone and new ones arrived. I come back to two different classes of students. I come back to slightly different courtyards, hallways, stairwells, and offices. Small things have shifted that allow me to realize I've been gone a year.
I'm a True Blood fan. This you should know well. On the first episode of this season, the main character, Sookie Stackhouse, comes back home after being in fairy land (yeah, it's bizarre, don't ask) only to discover that she's been gone over a year. Her home looks different, babies have been born, her ex is king, and her brother is now a cop. Sometimes, the only way to know you've been gone is to see the changes in others.
So here, beyond the walls and objects that mark time, my friends have grown into pastor, preachers, ministers, and stronger people of faith. Listening to them speak about the places they were on internship and the people they met and ministered to and with reminds me that I too have my stories. And though that have a dream like sheen to them, my heart assures me I spent a year in Billings, Montana doing ministry.
To quote Talladega Nights, "That just happened!!!"
I'll work on believing it now.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Light shining
As I am taking in so many "last times" on internship, I am reflecting on this wonderful quote by Marianne Williamson:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Parable of the SOIL or SOWER?
Greetings! I'm trying to get back into blogging mode. I apologize for leaving you alone for so long. Here's the basis for tomorrow morning's sermon on Matthew 13 (Read ye' first this week's texts!). I hope you enjoy it!
~A
I believe most of you are familiar with the parable of the sower. These different kinds of soil that the seed falls on. Then Jesus' interpretation of this parable that explains the seed is the word of God and describing how certain people respond to it.
We tend to come away believing this gospel is about us. We believe it is about the soil and we work to be good soil so that we can receive the word from God and produce good fruit. Except making it about the soil makes it about us and we really can't go anywhere from there. Because as soon as this parable becomes about turning ourselves into good soil, we've lost God. It becomes a competition to see who can be the best soil. We'd even start comparing what kind of good soil we are - thirty fold, sixty fold, a hundred fold?! It's not enough to be good soil, we want to be great soil. In reality, we know that we are often times quite rocky, a bit weedy, or even shallow. Just because we follow Christ doesn't make us perfect soil.
And while it is fine and well and good to want to receive God's word, we have to remember that it isn't about us. This is not the Parable of the SOIL but the Parable of the SOWER. So I'm going to propose something to you. I know we all love the image of God as a good shepherd and God as a father or even a painter if we look at sunsets and sunrises, but I want you to imagine God as the Gracious Gardener. Or how about the caring farmer? Benevolent Rancher? The great sower of seeds.
This idea of God as a gardener or a care taker for creation is all over scripture. Today we get a platter full in our stories: rain, snow, seed, bread, mountains, hills, trees, field, thorn, cypress, brier, myrtle, earth, oceans, mountains, seas, waves, peoples, more earth, dawn, dusk, more earth, water, river, more water, grain, even more earth, furrows, rain, ground, paths, fields, wilderness, hills, meadows, valleys, and a little more grain.
That's quite a list! All beautiful images of creation. All rich descriptions of how God will provide for the earth. And people are included in that list as a part of the creation that God made and called good. God cares for this creation.
So I take this idea of God as a Gardener and re-read this Parable of the Sower. What I see is a sower spreading seeds with abandon. He isn't the smartest farmer if he is wasting his seed on rocky fields, though, right? Why waste precious seed on that which isn't worthy to receive it? Quite frankly, it seems a bit foolish. I know my dad aerated his lawn before he put down grass seed. He wanted to ensure that the ground had the best chance of keeping that seed.
So I don't know. I don't have much of a green thumb. Perhaps you have some ideas. Many of you are farmers. You grew up on ranches. You keep beautiful gardens. And even for those of you who lack green thumbs like I do, you most likely have a lawn that you mow or some kind of green plant in a pot in your house. If nothing else, you know the theory of gardening even if you don't do so.
So let me ask you this: what did you do when the fields were full of rocks on the farms and ranches? You removed them. Made big rock piles.
What do you do when a plant is in a pot that is too small? You get a bigger pot and find more soil so it isn't sitting in shallow soil.
What about those weeds in your garden? You pull them out! Spray weed-be-gone or something to get rid of them.
What about when the ground is dry? When a plant isn't getting enough sunlight? When a tree needs pruning?
You care for your plants. You tend your garden. You remove the rocks and weeds. You make sure there is enough sunlight and soil to go around. You water the flowers and plants and trees and grass.
So if God is even half the farmer that we are, we've got to imagine that God knows how to remove our rocks. Knows what to do when we are getting a bit chocked on weeds. Knows how to feed us with daily bread. Waters us with the waters of baptism. And speaks to our souls when we find our faith getting shallow.
And yes, this Generous Gardener spreads the word generously. This gardener is not holding back and being frugal with what is being given. This radical gardener is going crazy and planting seeds in every kind of soil there is. There is no waiting to see if the soil will turn itself into good soil.
This gardener has the best green thumb in the world and can make small blades of grass come up through concrete. This gardener causes trees to grow out of the rock face and tender flowers to come up through the snow. This gardener created the world by speaking it into existence and us with it.
This is the Spirit that resides in us. In Paul's letter to the Romans, he wrote "If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, God who raised Christ from the dead will give life to your mortal bodies also through the Spirit that dwells in you."
There's something about knowing that that seems to make me stand a little straighter. I can bear more. I can trust more easily. My faith comes naturally knowing that I am cared for. The God of creation is looking after me. I don't know how to be grateful enough.
This power, this presence, is in all of us. As we splash in the waters of baptism and eat and drink this bread and wine, God is feeding us and watering us. Our Gracious Gardener is caring for us.
And all God's people said: AMEN! +
~A
I believe most of you are familiar with the parable of the sower. These different kinds of soil that the seed falls on. Then Jesus' interpretation of this parable that explains the seed is the word of God and describing how certain people respond to it.
We tend to come away believing this gospel is about us. We believe it is about the soil and we work to be good soil so that we can receive the word from God and produce good fruit. Except making it about the soil makes it about us and we really can't go anywhere from there. Because as soon as this parable becomes about turning ourselves into good soil, we've lost God. It becomes a competition to see who can be the best soil. We'd even start comparing what kind of good soil we are - thirty fold, sixty fold, a hundred fold?! It's not enough to be good soil, we want to be great soil. In reality, we know that we are often times quite rocky, a bit weedy, or even shallow. Just because we follow Christ doesn't make us perfect soil.
And while it is fine and well and good to want to receive God's word, we have to remember that it isn't about us. This is not the Parable of the SOIL but the Parable of the SOWER. So I'm going to propose something to you. I know we all love the image of God as a good shepherd and God as a father or even a painter if we look at sunsets and sunrises, but I want you to imagine God as the Gracious Gardener. Or how about the caring farmer? Benevolent Rancher? The great sower of seeds.
This idea of God as a gardener or a care taker for creation is all over scripture. Today we get a platter full in our stories: rain, snow, seed, bread, mountains, hills, trees, field, thorn, cypress, brier, myrtle, earth, oceans, mountains, seas, waves, peoples, more earth, dawn, dusk, more earth, water, river, more water, grain, even more earth, furrows, rain, ground, paths, fields, wilderness, hills, meadows, valleys, and a little more grain.
That's quite a list! All beautiful images of creation. All rich descriptions of how God will provide for the earth. And people are included in that list as a part of the creation that God made and called good. God cares for this creation.
So I take this idea of God as a Gardener and re-read this Parable of the Sower. What I see is a sower spreading seeds with abandon. He isn't the smartest farmer if he is wasting his seed on rocky fields, though, right? Why waste precious seed on that which isn't worthy to receive it? Quite frankly, it seems a bit foolish. I know my dad aerated his lawn before he put down grass seed. He wanted to ensure that the ground had the best chance of keeping that seed.
So I don't know. I don't have much of a green thumb. Perhaps you have some ideas. Many of you are farmers. You grew up on ranches. You keep beautiful gardens. And even for those of you who lack green thumbs like I do, you most likely have a lawn that you mow or some kind of green plant in a pot in your house. If nothing else, you know the theory of gardening even if you don't do so.
So let me ask you this: what did you do when the fields were full of rocks on the farms and ranches? You removed them. Made big rock piles.
What do you do when a plant is in a pot that is too small? You get a bigger pot and find more soil so it isn't sitting in shallow soil.
What about those weeds in your garden? You pull them out! Spray weed-be-gone or something to get rid of them.
What about when the ground is dry? When a plant isn't getting enough sunlight? When a tree needs pruning?
You care for your plants. You tend your garden. You remove the rocks and weeds. You make sure there is enough sunlight and soil to go around. You water the flowers and plants and trees and grass.
So if God is even half the farmer that we are, we've got to imagine that God knows how to remove our rocks. Knows what to do when we are getting a bit chocked on weeds. Knows how to feed us with daily bread. Waters us with the waters of baptism. And speaks to our souls when we find our faith getting shallow.
And yes, this Generous Gardener spreads the word generously. This gardener is not holding back and being frugal with what is being given. This radical gardener is going crazy and planting seeds in every kind of soil there is. There is no waiting to see if the soil will turn itself into good soil.
This gardener has the best green thumb in the world and can make small blades of grass come up through concrete. This gardener causes trees to grow out of the rock face and tender flowers to come up through the snow. This gardener created the world by speaking it into existence and us with it.
This is the Spirit that resides in us. In Paul's letter to the Romans, he wrote "If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, God who raised Christ from the dead will give life to your mortal bodies also through the Spirit that dwells in you."
There's something about knowing that that seems to make me stand a little straighter. I can bear more. I can trust more easily. My faith comes naturally knowing that I am cared for. The God of creation is looking after me. I don't know how to be grateful enough.
This power, this presence, is in all of us. As we splash in the waters of baptism and eat and drink this bread and wine, God is feeding us and watering us. Our Gracious Gardener is caring for us.
And all God's people said: AMEN! +
Friday, July 08, 2011
It's July?
I'm a little shocked it is July. Okay, not a little shocked. A lot shocked. These last few months have flown by. Lots of changes in my world, and most of them wonderful.
1st up: I'm no longer doubting my call to ordained ministry. This is what I need and want to do with my life. Now, I can still get grumpy from time to time that I will not be some famous author or play writer or director... but I trust that this will fill up my heart. I also trust that I will continue to read books and attend plays and write poetry because they are a part of my soul's contentment.
Secondly: The parish pastor I was working with left to move on to something new so I stepped up as pastor. One of my elders now calls me "the head poo-poo" and I can do nothing but laugh. They have all been gracious and wonderful as I take risks and lead all on my own. It's most likely one of the best parts of my internship. How often it is that we learn best by doing. I'm a pastor so I know I can be a pastor. (Oh, the wild wacky world of internship.)
Thirdly... well I'm not sure there is any major thirdly other than my departure from Montana at the end of the month. It will be very hard to leave even with all my friends and family waiting anxiously to see me again in August. Bittersweet is the word one of my friend's used. It's all bittersweet.
I was wonderful if I placed on a scale all the voices asking me to stay and all the voices asking me to come home for goodness sake!... which side would win out. Just today, one of the nurses asked if I was working full time at St. John's or if I was still an intern. In the St. John's world, many of their Administrative Interns simply transition into full time employment after their internship is complete. It's like residency.
So I've spent a good bit of time explaining "the process" and telling everyone that I have one year left of school. Some elders laugh and tell me they'll take me as I am - they think I've had enough schooling! Generally I graciously smile. Snarkily I know that is often the thought once seniors get back to school after internship. We'll see...
Well I'm on the move again. Out to the brewery for a drink with visiting friends: http://thepilgrimpastor.blogspot.com/
Love and hugs oh cyber world!
1L
1st up: I'm no longer doubting my call to ordained ministry. This is what I need and want to do with my life. Now, I can still get grumpy from time to time that I will not be some famous author or play writer or director... but I trust that this will fill up my heart. I also trust that I will continue to read books and attend plays and write poetry because they are a part of my soul's contentment.
Secondly: The parish pastor I was working with left to move on to something new so I stepped up as pastor. One of my elders now calls me "the head poo-poo" and I can do nothing but laugh. They have all been gracious and wonderful as I take risks and lead all on my own. It's most likely one of the best parts of my internship. How often it is that we learn best by doing. I'm a pastor so I know I can be a pastor. (Oh, the wild wacky world of internship.)
Thirdly... well I'm not sure there is any major thirdly other than my departure from Montana at the end of the month. It will be very hard to leave even with all my friends and family waiting anxiously to see me again in August. Bittersweet is the word one of my friend's used. It's all bittersweet.
I was wonderful if I placed on a scale all the voices asking me to stay and all the voices asking me to come home for goodness sake!... which side would win out. Just today, one of the nurses asked if I was working full time at St. John's or if I was still an intern. In the St. John's world, many of their Administrative Interns simply transition into full time employment after their internship is complete. It's like residency.
So I've spent a good bit of time explaining "the process" and telling everyone that I have one year left of school. Some elders laugh and tell me they'll take me as I am - they think I've had enough schooling! Generally I graciously smile. Snarkily I know that is often the thought once seniors get back to school after internship. We'll see...
Well I'm on the move again. Out to the brewery for a drink with visiting friends: http://thepilgrimpastor.blogspot.com/
Love and hugs oh cyber world!
1L
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