Courage

You cannot know for certain the greatness of the future for which you are being prepared: the depths of compassion and understanding that are being carved by your sorrow; the vitality that gathers in secret pools behind the dam of old hopes and memories; the adventures that await you. Your inner spirit builds upon itself in anticipation of that final drop that will pour over the side and into your future.... you cannot stop the life within you that is pressing forward. Your curiosity will be the source of your courage.

~Carol Orsborn in The Art of Resilience

Slow Down

Our lives are over scheduled. Too busy. Too much going on. Our to-do lists are never ending.

To compensate, we rush. We hurry. We dart from one activity to the next and the next. If you are anything like me, you then CRASH. This happens in various ways. You either give 24/7 and then get ridiculously ill for a week... or you give and give at work and then come home and have no energy to do anything more than watch tv. Forget mowing the lawn or doing the dishes. A healthy meal is out of the question. You're exhausted.

Do you ever what would happen if you slowed down? Are you afraid the world would come crashing to a halt around you? People would die without you there? Life would end?

Well, I think I do sometimes. If I don't show up and get things done, what happens?

Worked at an assisted living facility is helping me rethink that notion. I nearly missed devotions because an ethics committee meeting ran late. As I dashed into the chapel to apologize for my lateness and begin devotions, I saw that one of the administrators was happily reading the scripture from the daily devotional. The residents were content. No one was fussed. Life carried on - and provided one of the administrators the opportunity to lead devotions which she enjoyed.
Similarly, I have found that when I rush down the hall to my office or to the next meeting, I miss conversations with elderly residents or staff who are stressed. I don't stop and pet the bird at the entry. I miss the carved pumpkins and scarecrows that serve as our fall decoration. I miss a lot.

And truthfully, when I rush, I don't get more things done. I may get more things done that day but I have to spend so much time recovering that it doesn't matter. So I'm taking things slower. I'm intentionally going slower. God help me for I know that's where God is.

After all, this way I can "keep up" with the residents as they walk...

Strings and Things

I grew up loving the sound of my father singing and playing his guitar. As I grew older this sound became less frequent as our lives got busier and new hobbies were born. Occasionally, though, he would pull out his beautiful Martin and play a few John Denver goodies. I think this also explains my deep love of folk music. Give me a simple melody on a guitar and some rich vocals and I'm good to go.

For Christmas last year, I asked for my own guitar. I've been wanting to play for a while. A rather cynical friend told me that I only wanted to play guitar to be cool and to attract the opposite sex. There are a lot of other things I could do to be cool - I don't really consider this one. As a matter of fact, when you play guitar as a pastor, you tend to get pushed into the "youth pastor" position. I resist all such stereotypes.

So I've been picking at it for the last year and picking up tidbits from various friends of mine who play.

....I love it.

And providence saw to making me play for an audience for the first time last Wednesday. I played Tift Merritt's Engine to Turn as part of my sermon. It was a difficult text. Her words, "I don't know how to fix the world," and "Don't be scared" fit very well.

More later as I continue to explore this beautiful world of stringy sound.

http://tasteandseelstc.blogspot.com/2010/11/coffee-sacrament.html

Just in case you aren't checking over there on Saturdays which is when I post. ;)

In other news, the weeks are raging on. I'm shocked to discover I've been here over two months. Doesn't seem possible. And yet, I know the road names that I'm traveling on. I have some sense of comfort in the various places I lead worship or devotions or bible studies.

I was chatting with a fellow intern about comfort levels. How comfortable do we want to get? Comfortable enough that we have some confidence in what we are doing and where, etc. But not so comfortable that we have stopped challenging ourselves to explore, grow, challenge, and get OUT of our comfort zones. It seems I am seeking comfort still in some areas and pushing myself in others. Like everything it seems to be a balance.

My employer is holding a benefit art show this weekend and I got to purchase my very first piece of art at it last night. I'm going to go to the artists reception later and try to get a picture with the artist, too. It is a beautiful watercolor....

Worth Reading

A great blog post: My Son is Gay

Spiritual Warfare Part Two (or Three?)

I spent the week wondering and sorting through my feelings on this spiritual realm issue. Though odd things kept happening through at least Thursday afternoon, I had a series of very helpful discussions and revelations.

To begin with, I have heard people talk about the devil attacking more the closer a person gets to God. And though I can see some biblical basis for that if we twist the story of Job, I don't believe in that. The idea that we get attacked simply because we are drawing closer to God is ridiculous. Instead, I think in terms of opening myself up to the divine. As I grow deeper in my spiritual life, I take the bad in with the good. As I open myself up to Holy Spirit, it makes sense that I'd begin to understand the darker side as well as the light.

And instead of thinking of it as warfare which would mean I'm on a battlefield daily, I choose to think of those darker forces as a part of creation. Not something to fight against and struggle with but to accept. They're there. They're around. Scriptures tell us they recognize Jesus. And in the demoniac, Jesus is merciful to them. This is not a battle scene.

So I accept that those forces (or whatever you'd like to call them) are there but I'm not fighting against them. My supervisor suggested I simply remind them they're part of God's mysterious creation. I'll let you know what the results are.

Already I can assure you I am much calmer. I'm sorting out what to do with this new addition to my life and weighing it against the overwhelming presence of good that is already alive there.

Here Comes the Sun

And then... well, and then comes the Son. Comes to me in the form of words of love and encouragement and affirmation from my brothers and sisters in Christ.

From my friend David:
*traces sign of the Cross on forehead*
"For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
You are a called and claimed child of God. Nothing can stand against our God, who loved us so much that death and sin themselves were conquered for love of us.

From my friend Carolyn:
If ever someone I knew was a vehicle for the light and laughter that send the dark spirits running, you have been that in my life. So even if you're not sure of it, I believe that when you tell the devil to go back to hell, he hears the power of God in you and turns tail and runs. May it be so.

And so many more....

Thanks to you all dear brothers and sisters. May God's blessings rain down upon you.

Spiritual Warfare

Do you believe in spirits? Spiritual forces at work in the world? Spiritual warfare? The Holy Spirit? The devil?

I've been having one of those eerie occurances where something keeps popping back up into conversation. Like you've never heard of etoufee in your life but then you see it on a menu, read about it in a book, and a friend tells you she just had delicious crab etoufee. On of THOSE kinds of things.

For me, it is has been about the spiritual realm. To begin with, it is All Saints Day and last night was All Hallows Eve. Ghosts, goblins, vampires, zombies, and werewolves abound with the other Buzz Lightyear and Bumblebee costumes. I've also had my nose in the Sookie Stackhouse series that abounds with vampires, were wolves, witches, and fairies. An undercurrent to a very normal world.

Then I've had two completely unrelated conversations about people's belief in a very present spiritual realm. Though I've always had a strong belief that spiritual forces are at work in the world, it has been vague in practice. Mostly, I see how the devil delights in twisting something harmless into something wicked. How else you explain affairs? Embezzling? Stealing or cheating in any sense, actually. That line in the Lord's Prayer - "lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil" or "save me from the time of trial." I think that's EXACTLY what Jesus was talking about.

Reference Job and Jesus' time in the wilderness with the devil. It's real. And today, it feels like I'm the target. That depression I struggle with? I think that's being used against me. My relationships with several individuals feel very strained. I don't like it.

So I'm doing the best I can. Say a little prayer for me, please? I'll repay it in full when I can.

Humble Humans as Vampire Food

Vampires fascinate me. I don't remember a time when I was fascinated by vampires. Werewolves, zombies, and other fantastical creatures are cool, too.... but they never had the allure that the undead did.

There have been as many interpretations and "rules" about vampires as denominations of Christianity. For instance, they come out in the sun and sparkle or they burn instantly into a pile of ashes and dust. Some people survive being bitten, some die, some turn into vampires after ingesting vampire blood. There are variations on healing powers, enchantment, pleasure/pain, how they sleep, sex drives, and so on. You must approach each "denomination" with eyes and ears open for the differences. (Reference: Twilight Series, Sookie Stackhouse Series, Anne Rice, House of Night young adult fiction series, Buffy, and more.)

The consistent threads in vampire folklore are never the vampires themselves for those rules flux and change from one category to the next. What is consistent and fascinating for me is always the relationship vampires have with humans. The reaction on the human side varies from curiosity to fear and from acceptance to murder. On the flip side, some vampires dismiss the sanctity of human life and devalue them merely as "blood bags." They are the superior race. These vampires are in conflict with the vampires who, for whatever reason, value human life. Sometimes it is their memory of their own human life and their longing for that life once again. Other times, there is a love interest and this shakes up the food chain. And then there are those who simply value humans and see them as equals in this mortal world (though there is also a motivation to get along with humans for selfish desires and ease of "living.")

It always seems to paint an interesting portrait of our own values of humans. Who do we value? See as equals? What is simply around us for the taking? When do our own thoughts of being superior lead to death of the inferior?

It is timely always as we, humanity, lift up lives to preserve and lives to destroy. Casualties in war that are listed as a cold statistic... and often this number reflects only the soldiers on one side of the war - forget the other enemy soldiers or civilians on either side. There are the deaths of homosexual youth catching the attention of the media right now. This is also seen within the church as questions rage on about whether or not it is a sin and how to respond to those brothers and sisters who are GLBTQ or those who believe differently about it than we personally do. And I stand as a woman in a world and culture where we are often devalued, even if jokingly or in jest by well intentioned males.

How do we treat those whom are different than us? How do we value the lives of humans (think outside of family and friends here, even outside your faith or country)? The life of creation as we see it in animals, plants, water, and air? Are we curious or outraged? Accepting or rejecting? How does this effect the world around us, beyond our own front doors?

So while there might be something sinister or Freudian about undead creatures who feed off the blood of humans, what does it say about them that it is human blood that sustains them? Then of course I start to wonder what sustains me that I take for granted daily - a warm bed, food, clean air, sunlight, family and friends, a savior on a cross, technology, the ability to read and write and connect through the internet to the world.

I am humbled.

Depression and Grace

Depression is a funny little beast. I struggle with it. Issues of self worth or loneliness or inactivity creep up and strike me. Sometimes it is situational - my difficult candidacy process, a conversation with someone, the ups and downs of being in relationship with others, CPE last summer, illness...

There is a quote in the foreword of "The Shack" that I reference often: "I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside." (pg 11)

This might be a good opportunity for you to go read my post yesterday on Taste and See.

And since this is Reformation Sunday and we love to talk about the grace of God, I am wondering how it all ties together. How do both our hurts and healings happen through others and where is grace? Do we have to go through the waiting and wondering and wandering so that we are more joyful when whatever it is arrives?

It often seems to me that vacations happen RIGHT when you really need them. A reading week break in seminary or a visit with a friend. Is there some kind of "fulfilling the prophecy" thing going on here? You know a vacation is coming so you allow the stress to build and build? Or is God simply big enough to know when that tension has built high enough that you turn to your God and are rewarded with healing or an answer. "Your faith has made you well."

I don't know. I'm just setting a table full of food for thought. Chow down and let me know what you think.