Use - Abuse - Addiction

So this week in Pastoral Care.... we learned about addiction. I started freaking out fearing that I was addicted to the internet. It is preferable to cleaning my room, completing an assignment, or various other necessities. I'll do them - I'd just rather have fun with this nothingness that is the internet.

So I took an online test to see if I was addicted to the internet and for the majority of things I was scoring low. Of course I go eat and attend class. But, of course I stay online a few minutes past when I said I'd get off... My final result? "You are an average on-line user. You may surf the Web a bit too long at times, but you have control over your usage." So that's lovely. Unless I lied. Ha!

Part of the problem is that the internet provides a way to communicate with lots of people at once. That's why I blog. That's why I twitter. That's why I facebook. I simply don't have time to have lots of the fabulous conversations I desire to have with all the people I don't see on a regular basis. So if you feel that I've been out of touch lately, I really do apologize. I'm trying!! I have up cards on my wall from you all and pictures of your smiling faces to greet me. I read your facebook updates and read your blogs or emails or comments. I do tend to live in my own little world... but know that you are part of it as much as I am able!!

The hardest part about moving is establishing a new community. I have to take time to make the connections here that will give me the support, conversation, smiles, and love I need to survive seminary. I think that means that all the relationships at home suffer, though. That's the all time WORST part about this experience. I am in a constant state of missing people.

So of course it was especially lovely to get to go to TN last weekend and then to see family this Easter weekend (and to go to Em's wedding this weekend!) - but the visits are always too short and I always end up back here in my chair with papers to write and books to read. The assignments just pile up and begin to overwhelm me. It's easier to be online. I know exactly what I'm avoiding!

Days like today - getting back to real life - are some of the worst. Will there ever be a time when I won't be wishing I was somewhere else? Will ministry feel like this, too?

Saturday is in between Friday and Sunday

Not to be too symbolic or anything... but I'm sitting in the dark in my room at my cousin's house and thinking about the sun rise.

It has felt longer this year. Those 40 days felt so much longer to me than they ever have before. I didn't even make it all the way with my Lenten commitments! Of course... it doesn't help that my birthday was last Friday and I got cookies. What am I supposed to do with that?! So I failed that one.

My other Lenten commitment was to pray to JESUS. In general, I have always prayed to God, the Father (without being hung up on whether this was a male or female thing). I thought it might be interesting for a change to pray to Jesus instead of just in Jesus' name. So I tried it a few times. It felt funny. I almost thought, "Shouldn't I just go talk to God?" I stuck with it as best I could.

Mostly, I think it was difficult for me because Jesus was a human. He lived and walked and talked and breathed the air we breathe and was fully a human. Of course the fabulous mystery of faith is that Jesus was also Christ, the Messiah, our Lord and Savior - fully divine. That makes a complicated person to pray to - but as I have been finding out... also one of the best. It isn't that the Father cannot understand what the Son went through here on Earth, but don't you feel better talking to someone who is "on your level" at work for instance instead of your boss? Another student instead of professor? Someone who is, in a sense, in your situation?

I think that is similar to what I experienced praying to Jesus. I just found myself saying over and over, "...but you know what that feels like." No, Jesus cannot know what being a single gal in the city feels like for me today, but even Jesus wept and cried out to God asking "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" To be sure, Jesus knew what loneliness was. His mother didn't quite get him. His disciples rarely understood the lessons he taught. And even when Jesus went to pray, they fell asleep waiting for him. He didn't get along with the pharisees and women were always at his feet... No wonder he felt all alone.

Is it any wonder that it was somewhat of a release for me to pray to Jesus? Someone who knew the temptations of life even if he wasn't an internet addict like I am. Someone who knew the difficulty of being in ministry even if didn't look like it does today in every way. Someone who had difficulty with authority. Still, he was also someone who knew how important family was. Knew how important the people living on the margins were and what true love and service looked like.

Anyway, as I wait in the dark for Easter morning, I pray that you will all find light enough to guide you ever onward. God bless you and keep you.

~A

God created ants because... ?

p.s. I was attacked by ants on Sunday when I stepped on a small mound of dirt, far too large to be an ant hill. It seems it was an ant HOTEL and they were PISSED. It took me about a minute before I wondered why my legs were itching and stinging. Then I looked down to find my feet, shoes, and my pant legs covered in little brown ants. My body just shivered thinking about it actually.

I've got the bites now two days later all nice and bubbled over. I count at least 6 little red mounds. I know those little guys got me more than that... I guess there were only 6 that got their creepy venom in me??

That'll teach me to not step in dirt anymore. I heart the city...

http://www.ehow.com/how_2365060_treat-ant-bites.html

Sometimes you just have to go home

I'm back home... in Chi town. I seems that when I travel, I travel from home to home. In a way it is nice to always be heading home. Then again, it is always difficult to leave home once again (even if it is for another home somewhere else).

I've decided for myself that my ideal heaven will be anyplace where I am no longer missing people. Maybe I'll be so utterly satisfied being in the presence of God, that I won't be missing people all the time and the relief will be palpable. It will be, shall we say, heavenly?

But this is earth. And until the kingdom comes, I will deal with always missing someone. I did get to see a lot of someones on my trip to TN though. If I'm cool, I'll post pictures. My battery is charging up now so I haven't even seen the pictures yet! I'm afraid I'll get too sentimental and mopey if I look at them now, though. So I'm waiting.... for the battery to charge. :)

Sorry I've been gone!!! I didn't take my laptop with me intentionally and was rarely online. It does mean that I got to spend a lot of good quality time with the people that love and support me from afar.

... speaking of love, did I mention that my W's threw me a surprise party for my 24th birthday? It was FABULOUS!! I walked in the door expecting a small family dinner and got a roomful of friends (and of course a table filled with delicious food). THEN I got another surprise - a bowling party!! This was complete with an embarrassingly pink, sparkly, and star studded "Birthday Girl" tiara, a feather boa and star sun glasses. Blu put it best when she asked if I felt properly grown up and properly like a kid. I did, I did!

The best part? Being surrounded by all those people that feel like home reminded me of how incredibly loved I am. There was no pretense to be someone other than who I am, right now, at this moment. They love me for who I am, not the qualities I posses or don't! They didn't mind that I wasn't the same Alison I was when I left or that I am still so much the same Alison.

What was odd, though? They were friends from various parts of my life... all coming together to celebrate me. I started thinking at one point that I would act differently in front of my family, my college friends, my coffee shops friends, and my W family. They've all known me at different times and in different ways/places/etc. - I just manifest different parts of myself to different people. So to know that being genuinely myself was the goal, the point, the purpose of the celebration...

...was incredibly freeing. I let go and just had a blast.

This feeling stuck around for most of the trip as I got to gather with various groups of friends and family

Thanks to all of my fabulous friends and family who surprised me Friday night, who loved on me this weekend, and who continue to let me call you home. You mean the world to me and are endlessly on my heart. Thanks for sharing me, too.

When Fantasy Collides with Real Life

So if you have been following my twitter feeds at all, you'll know that I can't stop obsessing over Twilight. Really it started last summer. I was in the bookstore with my friend J and came across the Twilight display. I had seen all the random pieces of flair on facebook about vampires, specifically about Edward. Who the heck was this character? Surely I'd like vampires a lot longer than these silly teenagers (yes, I was 23 - officially NOT a teenager).

So I pick the book up as I roll my eyes. These silly teen fads. Just another Harry Potter craze that would be annoying. I flip to the back cover and read dramatically to J:

"About three things I was absolutely positive.
First, Edward was a vampire.
Second, there was a part of him -- and I didn't know how dominant that part might be -- that thirsted for my blood.
And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."

I was snickering when I finished. He looked at me with a grin and told me that I was going to buy it. Not a suggestion, mind you. An acknowledgment of a fact. I nodded and tucked the book under my arm. It would be a quick read if nothing else and I'd find out who this Edward fellow was.

Little did I know my coworker at the coffee shop had also just started. He saw my book in the back room and confessed. We proceeded to read through all three books in about a week. It was completely addictive and we couldn't stop. I would call M when I got to certain places and I'd get calls from him yelling at me to hurry up and get to the next chapter. When we were on breaks at work, we'd talk about these people like they were our friends. "Can you believe Bella and the voices? Do you think Edward knows?" Alas... they were fictional friends. (As an aside, on Stephenie Meyer's website she wrote about writing and publishing the book: "Overall, it's been a true labor of love, love for Edward and Bella and all the rest of my imaginary friends, and I'm thrilled that other people get to meet them now.")

M and I made plans to go the Breaking Dawn release party. If nothing else, we'd get our hands on the final book that much quicker. I really, really hate when a book gets spoiled for me. I was late reading one of the Harry Potter books and someone told me about a certain professor. It killed the book for me. So... I didn't want to accidentally hear a spoiler about Breaking Dawn that would spoil it for me.

So we went... and M was one of about 5 guys there... and I was one of about 10 people older than 20 (okay... 18?). SO embarrassing. But we got our books. Most depressing of all was that I couldn't read it that weekend as I was in the midst of my big move. Of course, when I finally got to it, it was fabulous. A little ridiculous, but the whole series has been!!!

If you want to read it, know that Stephenie Meyer is an amazing story teller. She's not the greatest writer and the fact that it is written for a teenage audience makes sense - this ain't poetry friends. On the other hand, there are lines in the books that have made me laugh out loud. It is just an all around GOOD time with the Twilight saga. A little ridiculous, a little light hearted, a little love story, a little danger...


~~~~~ Which brings me to today. I've watched the movie too much already. So I thought I'd get in pajamas and curl up in bed with the original book and read (it's been a long day - the history test is complete!). Low and behold, I come across this:


" 'Carlisle was born in London, in the sixteen-forties, he believes. Time wasn't marked as accurately then, for the common people anyway. It was just before Cromwell's rule, though.'

I kept my face composed, aware of his scrutiny as I listened. It was easier if I didn't try to believe.

'He was the only son of an Anglican pastor. His mother died giving birth to him. His father was an intolerant man. As the Protestants came into power, he was enthusiastic in his persecution of Roman Catholics and other religions. He also believed very strongly in the reality of evil. He led hunts for witches, werewolves... and vampires.' "
(page 331)


I'll have you know I JUST wrote that history exam about the English Reformation, Cromwell, Cranmer, and the struggles of the Anglican church with the Evangelical Revivals.

It also doesn't help that Edward was born in Chicago!! He was dying of the Spanish influenza when Carlisle turned him. For my birthday, two friends gave me an awesome jacket that reads on the front: "Team Edward. Dazzling since 1918. Chicago, Illinois." LOVE IT!

... It just gets a little creepy when obsession collides with real life. A little creepy.

Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go and do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive. - Gil Bailie

Say NO to burn out and YES to self-care

One of the big questions these days that clergy like to ask (especially SINGLE pastors) is, "If I'm taking care of a congregation, who is taking care of me?" The obvious answer is of course, God, but that's not exactly what we are talking about. In a way, though, prayer is one of the ways we take care of ourselves. Just saying a prayer for our own person is a way to practice that ever important SELF CARE. It's a huge thing to learn, though. You all know I've been talking about it an how difficult a thing it is to cultivate when you are in a field that's all about care of OTHER people.

The importance of learning self care now is so that once I'm in the parish, I will already have in place the skills I need to "take care of myself." This is so I won't "burn out" or experience "compassion fatigue." This means, more literally, that I will have a spiritual adviser or counselor, I will have a group of other pastors to talk to (both in my situation and beyond it, and composed of as diverse a group as we can get in our area), the support of family even if they aren't physically nearby, and the skills to know when I need time to rest, go for a walk/run, reconnect with God (even attend another church's service), and LAUGH more.

So I'm learning. I'm also reading for my pastoral care class about compassion fatigue and I thought this bit was good:

"Besides managing workload, practicing stress reduction strategies, having hobbies, nurturing humor, and working to incorporate a balanced lifestyle, clergy have to derive meaning and satisfaction from their work. These are critical immunizations against compassion fatigue. For clergy, it is also important to look at how often they participate in worship outside the place where they are the leader.

Finally, there needs to be a paradigm shift in the unrealistic expectations congregations place on their clergy. For this to happen, parishioners need to be educated about role expectations of their clergy, time management, and the importance of self-care. Jesus set a good example of setting aside times for retreat from the crowds, and we would be wise to follow his example."

So I just liked that. It isn't just about self-care but about educating the church about why clergy NEED to take time away from them. In the end, it'll make us better pastors. Better able to take care of them by taking care of ourselves. God's so funny...

:)

*Excerpt from "Clergy: Compassion Fatigue" by Sheri S. Ferguson.

Personal Values vs Jesus Christ?

Well, I thought I'd give online dating a go. I did the whole match.com thing in my younger days and got tired of the 40 something guys trying to send me messages. Just creepy, right? So I stayed clear of online dating sights.

So on a whim, I decided to try eharmony. Interesting so far the array of opinions about it. Some have found true love. Others have found losers. Others seem to think I'm a loser for even trying it. So there ya go!

What I'm actually enjoying the MOST, however, are why the matches get "closed." I haven't closed any myself because I think I could give any of them a chance. Or maybe it is that in these first 15 guys, eharmony hasn't yet listed one that is that terrible?

My favorite reason/excuse so far is this one that says our personal values are too different. So I went back to see what this one guy's priorities were. Check it out:

The three things which M* is most thankful for:

• Jesus Christ
  
• Family and Friends
  
• The ability to learn

Do you see why I'm laughing? Yes... our values are SO different. I don't love Jesus, my family, or my friends. I also hate learning. Yup, that sums me up. We are MUCH to different buddy.

Really, I have decided there needs to be an option that reads:
"I'm closing the match because you have decided to be a pastor. This is odd seeing as you are a WOMAN and women can't lead in God's church. I learned that in a bible study because I love Jesus and I go to bible studies." (Sorry, was that bitter?)

Or it might read something like this:
"I'm closing the match because you are too liberal. I could never be with a woman who supports the gays... or who wants to be a leader in the church." *runs screaming away from me making the sign of the cross*

It is a shame that M* loves Jesus but thinks our values are too different. I hope and pray that no one in his family turns out to be gay. Then again, that would lead him to his third favorite thing... LEARNING. Odd, isn't it? Laughable? Well, I certainly think so.

Then again, I purposefully included my more "liberal" side in the extra information section so that I wouldn't start fancying a silly boy who didn't like women or LGBTQ in the church... but who says he loves Jesus.

*Sigh* Okay, back to studying!


*Name not given to protect the silly.

Sometimes Country Heals My Heart

The Wreckers - Tennessee

I never had all the answers
I never had enough time
But I sure had all the reasons
Why you weren't what I wanted to find

I never laid all my cards out
You just wanted to play
Keep you waiting on my doorsteps
While the joker and me, we went on our way

(Chorus;)
Maybe I was much too selfish
but baby you're still on my mind
Now I'm grown and all alone
and wishin' I was with you tonight
'Cause I can guarantee
things are sweeter in Tennessee

These days everything is all business
Never in one place for too long
But there's no lack of arms around me
But I still wonder if somewhere I went wrong

(Chorus)

in Tennessee

And I'd wish on every star
in the southern sky
for that man and our life
If I did not think that

(Chrous)

Yes I can guarantee
things are sweeter in Tennessee

On failure and fatigue

When I graduated from undergrad, I was really happy to be done with academic work. I loved working at the coffee shop and for my W's. That wasn't really work. Or it was only work about 15% of the time?? Helpfully, that 15% was pretty equally distributed or it would just be one rainy day in a month of mostly sunshine.

Seminary work = 98% work.

Or maybe that is just what it feels like today. My friend in Med school once said that he was so stressed out learning everything because it was ALL important. Everything was something that may someday save someone's life. If he slacked off and didn't know that detail, would that mean that someone would die from his lack of knowledge of that one fact? So he listened closely.

At the time he told me that, I laughed and told him not to worry so much. Can I have that advice in reverse? It takes me SO long to read through books because it is hard for me to skim. Even trying to study for this church history exam on Tuesday is killing me. I keep putting it off and putting it off. It isn't that I think knowing that Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots, wanted the English throne from Elizabeth and was plotting against her is going to save someone's life someday, but it is the weight of history. The weight of how my very personal religious beliefs were formed and shaped. It is the fact that my professor thought it was important and I should know it.

I slept in until 10:45 today because I knew I was studying all day for this. Then I got up and checked email and facebook and eharmony and the-west and made myself some lunch. I just worked for 20 minutes and then started composing this.

I DON'T LIKE WORK.

(As a side note, I failed the History mid-term last semester. It is a very foreboding cloud hanging above me that I don't have the drive to shake my fist at quite yet. I have no head for history. That makes it all that much MORE important that I get back to studying and get all these little facts in my head. Oh God, help me!!!!!!!!! No seriously, God. Please help.)