Asking for Help

So when I made the decision to live on my own next year, I was facing the grim future of an empty apartment. Right now, I'm renting my bed, desk, and dresser. I'm borrowing a bookshelf from my Godmother and then I own a night stand which I bought with mom at the beginning of the year. Oh, and I have a tray table that my best friend painted and gave me years ago (covered in stars - I love it!). The furniture in our living room is entirely my roommate's that she found when she got here a month before me.

That's it.

So I was delighted when someone gave my roommate random furniture which included a chair and ottoman (that's the word, right? the "chair stool" that matches the chair?). You've seen the picture of my fabulous chair already. So I now had ONE piece of furniture (1 1/2 really).

Then I officially announce my future move to private housing. One friend demands that I take her futon. My cousin calls saying she may have a table and an entertainment center for me. Then another friend says that she's getting rid of the furniture in her room including a bed and desk!

I'm just saying that when you ASK, you WILL receive. So... ask.

(p.s. I'm still looking for donations if you have something slightly loved that you no longer want!!)

A Time to Laugh - A Time to Weep

There is a season...

The church likes to call it Lent. The weather people call it springtime (it is official, btw!). The earthy types call it Spring Solstice - equal times of dark and light. Whatever you want to call it - there is a change. Change. Change....

I'm always surprised by the journey. Always surprised by the things I'm learning. It is exhausting, quite frankly taking in so much newness every day (or even every few days). I think I'm using that as an excuse to not finish all the reading I am assigned to do for each class. ;)

But honestly, I think this season gives an amazing opportunity to take a step back and take stock of who you are and what is going on around you. Some days I am so completely taken up by my to do list. Others, I stop and realize that this is just for a time and that really it is about the people around me. Living. Breathing. Walking. Talking. Smiling. Crying. Dying.

So while I don't have gifts that allow me to get up at 6am to go for a lil' jog or to prepare culinary delights, I realize that I have a passion for PEOPLE. So when I get depressed about turning inward and examining myself, it isn't so much that I hate being with myself... it is that I like being with people. I'm such an odd blend of introvert and extrovert. I've said recently that I'm an introvert who really likes people. I think that speaks to it. True, I get tired of people and need "Alison time," but oh my goodness how I love people, too.

Take for example my Worship class right now. My teacher is AMAZING. Has such a beautiful passion that it is palpable. You can feel it. Catch the wave of it. Get energized to stand up and go forth and start serving - NOW. He has an amazing gift and I am SO thankful that he decided to teach (he's been serving as a pastor). But more than that, it is his passion that overwhelms everything. He doesn't have some kind of AGENDA about holding our hands or doing something a particular way. This is because he's passionate about the important things...

What I mean is, there are some people who have decided their mission is to make sure you are completely convinced that you should read the gospel while looking at the congregation. They'll have some sort of scriptural source and tons of theologians backing up what they say. You'll have some other chick, though, who has decided that when she looks at the congregation, they'll see HER instead of hearing the WORD (and that's not good!). So she looks down and reads more or less without emotion - simply reciting the text for all to hear. She is convinced THIS is the correct way. Then again, so were the first people.

Ridiculous, right? Both ways work in different situations for different reasons and both have founded support. Get over yourselves and get back to Christ.

What was I saying? Oh, yes, my professor is amazing. Passionate. Gifted. And I hope I have that passion for God's people even if I don't have a passion to cook, play basketball, read history, etc, etc.

So that's what this season has been teaching me. What's it been teaching you?

Spring has sprung (alt titles: The Winter Coma; On Bipolar Tendancies)

Dear Friends,

It feels like I have emerged from a coma today. As if my eyes have been half shut for days or weeks or longer with little light getting through. I sat by one of my good friends in class today and slapped him on the arm. Where had he been? I hugged another friend and insisted we get together. Where had all my hugs been?

Then I started to wonder, where had I been? It wasn't that all my friends had left. It was that I didn't have the energy or spirit to be around people. Let me tell you in case you don't know me, that that is very strange for me. I'm a people person. I'm also half extrovert and half introvert. I'm thinking that may mean I'm bipolar. Or maybe it's just this time of life and winter ending and hormones all mixed in? Whatever the case, I feel alive again.

The weather hit 70 degrees today. SPRING FEVER!!!!!!

I wore flip flops. It was glorious. I took big gulps of air (see my friend Emily's blog for more on that breathing thing). I smiled. The depression has lifted.

Now I don't want to dismiss the experience and say it was a negative one (becuase I've learned a lot in the past two months or so)... but sometimes walking in the valley just sucks. The darkness makes it hard to see and your only view is more mountain. I'm not saying I'm at the top of any kind of mountain, but at least I'm on top of a hill. There's light getting through. There's some ground behind me. Though the road stretches out and up ahead of me, I am confident that I can keep going. I am confident that even if I'm crawling, I'm moving ahead.

I think it is also a Lenten thing. We look towards the ground and dust and realize our humanity. It is humbling knowing we are merely made of dust and dirt. It is glorious, however, to realize that we are the product of the life breathed into that lifeless dirt. I'm not allowed to say the word I'm thinking of... because during Lent, we bury it... but I'm certainly thinking I'm ready for Easter morning. I'm ready for the son to rise.

Cooking and Kate Nash

So, I seem to have forgotten how much I like BAKING. I even like cooking a bit, too. But BAKING, I really enjoy. I made my apricot jam thumb print cookies that I am dubbing an "Irish Penny" for the St. Patty's day party tonight (I dyed the dough greenish!).

I was thinking I distinctly remember when I was in Mrs. Sikes class (for 1st grade?). We went to the playground every day, of course. Well, on St. Patrick's day, when we came back, our room had been upset by leprechauns!! There were little green footprints on the floor and some of our chairs had even been overturned! But at least he left green dyed treats for us. :D

That was a great day....

Anywho, I was cooking and listening to Kate Nash (my fabulous big brother sent me new music!!) and I was just really, really happy. The moment just sat with me really well. I guess I can't wait to live on my own next year. I will institute baking day once a week or so to recover from the stress of life (although, baking is stressful in a way, it is entirely LESS stressful for me because it works different brain muscles or something). The music made it better. The fact that I didn't have anything to do until 7 tonight made it better.

Of course now the guilt is starting to set in that I haven't used this day more productively to catch up on school work and such. Perhaps tomorrow? No... tomorrow... well, honestly? I'm going shopping for shoes with my 2nd cousin Jim. It will be splendidly non academic!

p.s. because I like to musically educate you from time to time, check out some good music videos:

4 State Radio videos on the PASTE magazine website. The guys are performing while lying on their backs! Click here to watch all 4 back to back. Then this one....



... is from someone who does really cool graphics for good songs (this time featuring Kate Nash's "Nicest Thing").

...and then sometimes you are silent.

So that whole post about speaking up for yourself? I still believe it... but God, of course, loves irony. So God taught me that there are certainly moments when the hardest thing to do is simply to let it go. To stop fighting. To stop working against the things that break your spirit.

No, I'm not talking about being an advocate for those that need a voice. I believe that is hard as well, but THOSE efforts actually do some good. When you continue to fight against those kind of weights, it makes sense. Of course it is difficult. This is why it takes people lifetimes and loud voices the change the world. (Also keep in mind we are all uniquely gifted - you may be passionate about protecting children... and not about saving rain forests. If you aren't going to weekly committees on how to save the rain forest, it doesn't mean you don't care! The right fight won't weigh you down like the wrong one will.)

Maybe shedding some light on my situation will help explain it. Remember I told you about that old friend I was working up the energy to tell off? Well, I composed a note and upon review, my wise mother said I was just expecting another response. It was a profound realization in a way because I knew that I just wanted to hear "I'm sorry for treating you like that." Then again, even fighting words would have worked - it would have meant there was still some life in our relationship. So instead of my biting (but kind!) reply, I let it lie. I didn't say anything. I just let it go. It wasn't a battle worth fighting. It wasn't a relationship worth my time. I've found better; I've found worthier; I've found more loving friends.

So I guess I just had to qualify the last post and say that sometimes the fight doesn't take you anywhere. Sometimes the true way to stand up for yourself is to let go of the ones who pull you DOWN.

So I did. Though part of me wonders if I would have gotten a reply, I know in my heart that I was tired of being the one to keep us going.

It also helped that another old friend called just to talk. Called to recommend a movie actually (that I own and love - so he knows my tastes!) but we just talked for a while. So I think part of it was putting into perspective THAT relationship with the one I was fighting for. I know that good relationships take effort and energy but I also think they shouldn't always feel like work. So the delight in getting a phone call out of the blue was nicely contrasted with the future disappointment I would have of NOT getting a response (yet again). So I decided which relationship was worth my effort.

I'm happy with my choice.

So friends, let it go. Whether it be a project that you have guilt about not completing yet or an ongoing commitment that weighs you down (no matter the cause), LET IT GO. The freedom is profound!

On beautiful words and themes

I just watched a rather remarkable and beautiful movie called Babette's Feast. I had heard of it before but had never seen it. I wanted to share a scene with you that I was quite moved by. It was poetic in its simplicity. He fell in love with Martina when he was younger but left. Now, he has seen her again many years later. Upon leaving that evening...

---------------------------------------------

Old Lorenz: [last words to Martina] I have been with you every day of my life. Tell me you know that.
Old Martina: Yes, I know it.
Old Lorenz: You must also know that I shall be with you every day that is granted to me from now on. Every evening I shall sit down to dine with you. Not with my body, which is of no importance, but with my soul. Because this evening I have learned, my dear, that in this beautiful world of ours, all things are possible.

------------------------------------

The movie dealt with issue, in a way, of physical things that transcend reality and become spiritual in a way. The things that move us and the things we call beautiful and lovely despite the ever brokenness of our shared world... and how, in the instances we catch that beauty, we are in awe. Lorenz had said earlier in the movie (at the younger age) that the world was cruel and unkind. So for him to say "this beautiful world of ours" is rather profound.

I think I'm going to like being old. Perhaps then I will be wise and poetic, too. ;)


(Update: I feel better!! My sinuses are draining. Ha! Now here's hoping it isn't just taking a day to shift into my ears!)

Assertions and Red Wine

Of course, we all have to do lists a mile long. On the other hand, I don't feel all too well so my motivation to work is even lower than it usually is. The need to curl up in a ball and read a good book was so overwhelming Sunday night that I picked one up off my shelf and started reading. Just a few pages, mind you, and I'd go back to real work... I'd write that paper and read for class.

Well I was up til 1am last night finishing it. Then I picked up the book I was supposed to be reading and read until 2am. Then I decided I really should try to sleep a little so I went to sleep. Woke up with a pop at 7:15, showered, and went to class. I really do think the Aleve Cold and Sinus I am taking has speed in it. Or maybe it has some kind of caffeine enhancement and added to the cup of tea I had that afternoon to soothe my throat. Curious...

Anyway... the entire point of this post was to share with you all that I'm more keenly aware that this "stage" in my life means really learning HOW to take care of myself. Not just physically (though it isn't too fun taking care of yourself when you are sick and have no energy), but mentally and emotionally, too.

So this book I was reading, the one I devoured in two days, was called Watermelon by Marian Keyes. Basically, she was able to fulfill pretty much every woman's dream to be able to tell off the man who hurt her. I have found this to be very rare in real life though occasionally it does happen (share your stories!!). So I've been inspired to be more assertive and let people know when I am annoyed or hurt by something. Just little things. Not in big dramatic ways like they do in the books/movies.... but in little ways.

This, dear friends, is how I am practicing "self care" this semester - by being more assertive.

It started out with letting my roommate know that I liked when the shower curtain hung straight and covered the whole length of the tub instead of being fussed in the middle (why yes, I am OCD, thank you for asking). I even said how I liked the wash wand to be placed in its holder so it didn't fall down all the time. It was remarkably easy. It was likewise easier to accept the minor things she was asking of me as well (yes, I do tend to leave stray hairs on the shower wall - sorry!!!).

It felt good. :)

Then I heard a friend talking about writing a letter to a former love of his and how liberating that was for him. Her response was more along the lines of "no" but he got it off his chest. So I just think there's something to this standing up for ourselves thing. Of course... now I am more annoyed at everyone else NOT standing up for themselves while at the same time I am still drawing up courage to tell off a former friend of mine (inspired by the book, no doubt). What a funny place to be in.

I do wish I had more will power in the areas of studying and dieting... but if I am honest with myself, it takes enough will power to be single student living in a big city far away from those I love. It takes a lot of will power to begin to recognize those traits in myself that I'd like to change (why yes, sadly I am an intellectual snob and I tend to like attractive and witty people...).

So, I guess what I'm saying is... be gentle with yourself. Love yourself enough to do the things that let you breath easier at night (whether it be doing more or doing LESS). Be assertive in the small things - it will give you strength to do the bigger things later. At least... these are the things I'm telling myself. ;)

If none of that works, go outside, lay down, and try to remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. God said "very good" after he made you. And if THAT doesn't work, call some friends and break open a bottle of Merlot and commiserate. It's healthy. I promise.

I might be getting sick.

EDIT: I've also left my phone charger cord at TNT's so if you need to get in touch, e-mail me!

The wisdom (and awesomeness) of the “Old”

I am blogging offline as I am currently in the world of NO wireless internet. Not even protected signals. Nothing. Makes life a little simpler. I read about the Catholics seeking out a tech-less Lent. Instead of Lent merely being a time of bodily fasting, it is a time to get away from all things high tech (or perhaps even low tech??). So here I am, lenting. :)

In other news, my grandma is amazing. Just thought you all should know that. She and I reorganized her entire desk area this evening and restored it to a former organized glory. Hallelujah! I, for one, cannot work on a messy desk. So... we cleaned. We tossed away an entire gift bags worth of random papers (mostly irrelevant manuals to things she no longer owned). It was a cleansing process... and quite fun. Well, at least it was for me. Poor Grandma, though. I just kept asking “Do you need this?” “Do you still want this?” “Can I throw this away?” Sometimes she would sigh, squint, and reach for it to more closely examine said piece of paper. Other times, she would glance and quickly respond, “Nope.” Other times, I simply decided for her and saved her the energy.

It was also somewhat of a treasure hunt. I found a journal/pocket book thing from John Barker Bradley. At first, I kept asking, “Who's J. B. Bradley??! There are no Joseph B. anythings in our family. Then I recalled my hours spent over the family tree on Geni yesterday... and the name JOHN instead of Joseph. This merely indicates (on the Bradley branch of the tree) that he was not a first born son. If you were named Joe, you were the first born. If you had a name like John or William... well, you weren't the first born son. Sucks for you.

Anywho... Grandma had been given some of his things! That's from back in the 1850's, friends. This is some fabulously old stuff. So, I'm pretty thrilled to have that on loan from Grandma. We agreed we need to keep it in some plastic and try to protect it from the elements (since we can't protect it from time, per se...). On top of that, my Aunt B loaned me the file folder of stuff SHE had on the family history. QUITE fun. Not sure why this genealogy interest has finally come up and hit me in the face (as I've been interested in it for a while without the passion or drive to follow through).

...but I love it. I love the history. The names (a girls name I'm now claiming is Hannah Bradley) are fabulous and I want to see how they all connect. Some Joseph back in the 1600's was married to a Sarah Hutchinson from Massachusetts and I wonder if that has anthing to do with hocus pocus kind of things (incidentally, I watched that movie on TV today). There was a marriage to a Mary Williams way back when as well and I think it would be deliciously funny if the Bradleys and Williams were connected long before my brother and I came along.

Curious...

So I'm having fun with Grandma and my lenten fast from the internet (well, sort of... we got her computer and printer up and running and I at least logged on to my email and The West to check on things – so sad that I really am addicted!). Until next time, I remain your humble 1L.

I hate the Bachelor

Babies are magical things. Tyce is reaching and grabbing things now. So when I picked him up when I got home, he reached around my neck and sort of grabbed on to me. A real hug!! It felt like he was holding me! I just felt myself healing.

Poor guy, though. He's got runny nose and watery eyes and teeth coming in so he's a hot mess.... but a cuddly hot mess. So at least there's that... !

This week is our "reading week" - a week off that is like spring break... but to call it a break would mean that we would be able to slack off. We wouldn't have to read all the things we need to. We wouldn't have to catch up. We wouldn't have to start our papers.

But they called it a reading week so that we would at least have GUILT about not doing those papers and reading those books. So. This week = needing to get stuff done.

In the meantime, I'm watching smut tv. I hate the bachelor. What a cad.