I just watched a rather remarkable and beautiful movie called Babette's Feast. I had heard of it before but had never seen it. I wanted to share a scene with you that I was quite moved by. It was poetic in its simplicity. He fell in love with Martina when he was younger but left. Now, he has seen her again many years later. Upon leaving that evening...
---------------------------------------------
Old Lorenz: [last words to Martina] I have been with you every day of my life. Tell me you know that.
Old Martina: Yes, I know it.
Old Lorenz: You must also know that I shall be with you every day that is granted to me from now on. Every evening I shall sit down to dine with you. Not with my body, which is of no importance, but with my soul. Because this evening I have learned, my dear, that in this beautiful world of ours, all things are possible.
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The movie dealt with issue, in a way, of physical things that transcend reality and become spiritual in a way. The things that move us and the things we call beautiful and lovely despite the ever brokenness of our shared world... and how, in the instances we catch that beauty, we are in awe. Lorenz had said earlier in the movie (at the younger age) that the world was cruel and unkind. So for him to say "this beautiful world of ours" is rather profound.
I think I'm going to like being old. Perhaps then I will be wise and poetic, too. ;)
(Update: I feel better!! My sinuses are draining. Ha! Now here's hoping it isn't just taking a day to shift into my ears!)
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Assertions and Red Wine
Of course, we all have to do lists a mile long. On the other hand, I don't feel all too well so my motivation to work is even lower than it usually is. The need to curl up in a ball and read a good book was so overwhelming Sunday night that I picked one up off my shelf and started reading. Just a few pages, mind you, and I'd go back to real work... I'd write that paper and read for class.
Well I was up til 1am last night finishing it. Then I picked up the book I was supposed to be reading and read until 2am. Then I decided I really should try to sleep a little so I went to sleep. Woke up with a pop at 7:15, showered, and went to class. I really do think the Aleve Cold and Sinus I am taking has speed in it. Or maybe it has some kind of caffeine enhancement and added to the cup of tea I had that afternoon to soothe my throat. Curious...
Anyway... the entire point of this post was to share with you all that I'm more keenly aware that this "stage" in my life means really learning HOW to take care of myself. Not just physically (though it isn't too fun taking care of yourself when you are sick and have no energy), but mentally and emotionally, too.
So this book I was reading, the one I devoured in two days, was called Watermelon by Marian Keyes. Basically, she was able to fulfill pretty much every woman's dream to be able to tell off the man who hurt her. I have found this to be very rare in real life though occasionally it does happen (share your stories!!). So I've been inspired to be more assertive and let people know when I am annoyed or hurt by something. Just little things. Not in big dramatic ways like they do in the books/movies.... but in little ways.
This, dear friends, is how I am practicing "self care" this semester - by being more assertive.
It started out with letting my roommate know that I liked when the shower curtain hung straight and covered the whole length of the tub instead of being fussed in the middle (why yes, I am OCD, thank you for asking). I even said how I liked the wash wand to be placed in its holder so it didn't fall down all the time. It was remarkably easy. It was likewise easier to accept the minor things she was asking of me as well (yes, I do tend to leave stray hairs on the shower wall - sorry!!!).
It felt good. :)
Then I heard a friend talking about writing a letter to a former love of his and how liberating that was for him. Her response was more along the lines of "no" but he got it off his chest. So I just think there's something to this standing up for ourselves thing. Of course... now I am more annoyed at everyone else NOT standing up for themselves while at the same time I am still drawing up courage to tell off a former friend of mine (inspired by the book, no doubt). What a funny place to be in.
I do wish I had more will power in the areas of studying and dieting... but if I am honest with myself, it takes enough will power to be single student living in a big city far away from those I love. It takes a lot of will power to begin to recognize those traits in myself that I'd like to change (why yes, sadly I am an intellectual snob and I tend to like attractive and witty people...).
So, I guess what I'm saying is... be gentle with yourself. Love yourself enough to do the things that let you breath easier at night (whether it be doing more or doing LESS). Be assertive in the small things - it will give you strength to do the bigger things later. At least... these are the things I'm telling myself. ;)
If none of that works, go outside, lay down, and try to remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. God said "very good" after he made you. And if THAT doesn't work, call some friends and break open a bottle of Merlot and commiserate. It's healthy. I promise.
Well I was up til 1am last night finishing it. Then I picked up the book I was supposed to be reading and read until 2am. Then I decided I really should try to sleep a little so I went to sleep. Woke up with a pop at 7:15, showered, and went to class. I really do think the Aleve Cold and Sinus I am taking has speed in it. Or maybe it has some kind of caffeine enhancement and added to the cup of tea I had that afternoon to soothe my throat. Curious...
Anyway... the entire point of this post was to share with you all that I'm more keenly aware that this "stage" in my life means really learning HOW to take care of myself. Not just physically (though it isn't too fun taking care of yourself when you are sick and have no energy), but mentally and emotionally, too.
So this book I was reading, the one I devoured in two days, was called Watermelon by Marian Keyes. Basically, she was able to fulfill pretty much every woman's dream to be able to tell off the man who hurt her. I have found this to be very rare in real life though occasionally it does happen (share your stories!!). So I've been inspired to be more assertive and let people know when I am annoyed or hurt by something. Just little things. Not in big dramatic ways like they do in the books/movies.... but in little ways.
This, dear friends, is how I am practicing "self care" this semester - by being more assertive.
It started out with letting my roommate know that I liked when the shower curtain hung straight and covered the whole length of the tub instead of being fussed in the middle (why yes, I am OCD, thank you for asking). I even said how I liked the wash wand to be placed in its holder so it didn't fall down all the time. It was remarkably easy. It was likewise easier to accept the minor things she was asking of me as well (yes, I do tend to leave stray hairs on the shower wall - sorry!!!).
It felt good. :)
Then I heard a friend talking about writing a letter to a former love of his and how liberating that was for him. Her response was more along the lines of "no" but he got it off his chest. So I just think there's something to this standing up for ourselves thing. Of course... now I am more annoyed at everyone else NOT standing up for themselves while at the same time I am still drawing up courage to tell off a former friend of mine (inspired by the book, no doubt). What a funny place to be in.
I do wish I had more will power in the areas of studying and dieting... but if I am honest with myself, it takes enough will power to be single student living in a big city far away from those I love. It takes a lot of will power to begin to recognize those traits in myself that I'd like to change (why yes, sadly I am an intellectual snob and I tend to like attractive and witty people...).
So, I guess what I'm saying is... be gentle with yourself. Love yourself enough to do the things that let you breath easier at night (whether it be doing more or doing LESS). Be assertive in the small things - it will give you strength to do the bigger things later. At least... these are the things I'm telling myself. ;)
If none of that works, go outside, lay down, and try to remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. God said "very good" after he made you. And if THAT doesn't work, call some friends and break open a bottle of Merlot and commiserate. It's healthy. I promise.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Friday, March 06, 2009
The wisdom (and awesomeness) of the “Old”
I am blogging offline as I am currently in the world of NO wireless internet. Not even protected signals. Nothing. Makes life a little simpler. I read about the Catholics seeking out a tech-less Lent. Instead of Lent merely being a time of bodily fasting, it is a time to get away from all things high tech (or perhaps even low tech??). So here I am, lenting. :)
In other news, my grandma is amazing. Just thought you all should know that. She and I reorganized her entire desk area this evening and restored it to a former organized glory. Hallelujah! I, for one, cannot work on a messy desk. So... we cleaned. We tossed away an entire gift bags worth of random papers (mostly irrelevant manuals to things she no longer owned). It was a cleansing process... and quite fun. Well, at least it was for me. Poor Grandma, though. I just kept asking “Do you need this?” “Do you still want this?” “Can I throw this away?” Sometimes she would sigh, squint, and reach for it to more closely examine said piece of paper. Other times, she would glance and quickly respond, “Nope.” Other times, I simply decided for her and saved her the energy.
It was also somewhat of a treasure hunt. I found a journal/pocket book thing from John Barker Bradley. At first, I kept asking, “Who's J. B. Bradley??! There are no Joseph B. anythings in our family. Then I recalled my hours spent over the family tree on Geni yesterday... and the name JOHN instead of Joseph. This merely indicates (on the Bradley branch of the tree) that he was not a first born son. If you were named Joe, you were the first born. If you had a name like John or William... well, you weren't the first born son. Sucks for you.
Anywho... Grandma had been given some of his things! That's from back in the 1850's, friends. This is some fabulously old stuff. So, I'm pretty thrilled to have that on loan from Grandma. We agreed we need to keep it in some plastic and try to protect it from the elements (since we can't protect it from time, per se...). On top of that, my Aunt B loaned me the file folder of stuff SHE had on the family history. QUITE fun. Not sure why this genealogy interest has finally come up and hit me in the face (as I've been interested in it for a while without the passion or drive to follow through).
...but I love it. I love the history. The names (a girls name I'm now claiming is Hannah Bradley) are fabulous and I want to see how they all connect. Some Joseph back in the 1600's was married to a Sarah Hutchinson from Massachusetts and I wonder if that has anthing to do with hocus pocus kind of things (incidentally, I watched that movie on TV today). There was a marriage to a Mary Williams way back when as well and I think it would be deliciously funny if the Bradleys and Williams were connected long before my brother and I came along.
Curious...
So I'm having fun with Grandma and my lenten fast from the internet (well, sort of... we got her computer and printer up and running and I at least logged on to my email and The West to check on things – so sad that I really am addicted!). Until next time, I remain your humble 1L.
Monday, March 02, 2009
I hate the Bachelor
Babies are magical things. Tyce is reaching and grabbing things now. So when I picked him up when I got home, he reached around my neck and sort of grabbed on to me. A real hug!! It felt like he was holding me! I just felt myself healing.
Poor guy, though. He's got runny nose and watery eyes and teeth coming in so he's a hot mess.... but a cuddly hot mess. So at least there's that... !
This week is our "reading week" - a week off that is like spring break... but to call it a break would mean that we would be able to slack off. We wouldn't have to read all the things we need to. We wouldn't have to catch up. We wouldn't have to start our papers.
But they called it a reading week so that we would at least have GUILT about not doing those papers and reading those books. So. This week = needing to get stuff done.
In the meantime, I'm watching smut tv. I hate the bachelor. What a cad.
Poor guy, though. He's got runny nose and watery eyes and teeth coming in so he's a hot mess.... but a cuddly hot mess. So at least there's that... !
This week is our "reading week" - a week off that is like spring break... but to call it a break would mean that we would be able to slack off. We wouldn't have to read all the things we need to. We wouldn't have to catch up. We wouldn't have to start our papers.
But they called it a reading week so that we would at least have GUILT about not doing those papers and reading those books. So. This week = needing to get stuff done.
In the meantime, I'm watching smut tv. I hate the bachelor. What a cad.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Seminary is a strange beast
So there are a few interesting things I've learned about seminary in the past week or so. I thought I'd share.
#1 - The money is scarce. Not only because the economy is crying daily, but for the very nature of seminary. In a regular university or grad school setting, you have graduates who go off to become high salary earners - engineers, lawyers, doctors, technicians, millionaires! In seminary, we go off to become.... pastors. We are working to pay off our own debt - we don't have anything extra to give back to our "alma mater." On top of that, there isn't as much support from the checks on Sunday to the church as you'd think. Not at a lot comes our way despite the fact that we are preparing the church's future leaders. Odd, right? Anywho - money is scarce. That's why LSTC has an entire advancement staff. We need people to find the money...
#2 - We are the tools of our trade. Us. Our person. That's our brain, body, heart, and soul. Everything we have is what we can give to our ministry. This means that we burn out quickly - just like counselors (hooray Mom!). During my CPE interview, Bill asked how I felt about ME being the product/outcome of CPE. What I get out of it will be entirely my own person. So odd and challenging.
#3 - We have very strange ways of celebrating and partying. This is due in part to our "Visions and Expectations" document that holds us to a higher standard. You would expect your pastors to be held to a higher standard, right? This leads us to ask who can we "let loose" around? Who can we truly be ourselves around and not have to set up guards with? Generally... it is our family and each other. So our parties are a very odd mix of letting loose and keeping things in check. (Coincidentally this is why I love hanging out with these people!)
#4 - It doesn't matter how well you can take care of other people if you can't take care of yourself. Thus, what you assumed would be 4 years of study about others and the church is strangely starting out to be a lesson in self-care. This is one of the hardest lessons to learn. I've come SO far since graduating college though. I'm at a much healthier place mentally and physically (or I'm on my way to a really good place, however that sits in relation to my younger years). Sibling and I are doing this amazing calorie logging program on LIVESTRONG.COM website called The Daily Plate. We both love it.
#5 - (Speaking of sibling,) you will always be missing someone. This isn't just seminary - this is life. I am in a fairly constant state of missing people. Most of the time, it is easy to just pull out a few people at a time in a manageable way. Sometimes (like last weekend), I was quite homesick for the people that I call home. Those are the times when I really hate Chicago. It isn't in TN in the slightest.
#6 - The blessings are great. I have this plaque thing I got when we moved Gram into her new place. I asked her if I could have it and she encouraged me to take it. It says: "Lord grant me the patience to endure my blessings. Amen." I adore it and it makes me smile everytime I look at it. Mostly because it is true. I have so many blessings. Not only in the people that surround me in this community, but for the opportunity to study, to be in Chicago, to be a person who is both intelligent and sensitive to those around me, and for the heart I've been given that makes room for new friends and experiences daily. I am very blessed.
Anywho, I am sorry for my slim posting. I've been in this odd contemplative mindset on top of being very busy with all that school nonsense. Endless amounts of reading and reflecting on the reading... etc. But as always, thanks for reading and leave a comment to let me know you are still stopping by. :)
#1 - The money is scarce. Not only because the economy is crying daily, but for the very nature of seminary. In a regular university or grad school setting, you have graduates who go off to become high salary earners - engineers, lawyers, doctors, technicians, millionaires! In seminary, we go off to become.... pastors. We are working to pay off our own debt - we don't have anything extra to give back to our "alma mater." On top of that, there isn't as much support from the checks on Sunday to the church as you'd think. Not at a lot comes our way despite the fact that we are preparing the church's future leaders. Odd, right? Anywho - money is scarce. That's why LSTC has an entire advancement staff. We need people to find the money...
#2 - We are the tools of our trade. Us. Our person. That's our brain, body, heart, and soul. Everything we have is what we can give to our ministry. This means that we burn out quickly - just like counselors (hooray Mom!). During my CPE interview, Bill asked how I felt about ME being the product/outcome of CPE. What I get out of it will be entirely my own person. So odd and challenging.
#3 - We have very strange ways of celebrating and partying. This is due in part to our "Visions and Expectations" document that holds us to a higher standard. You would expect your pastors to be held to a higher standard, right? This leads us to ask who can we "let loose" around? Who can we truly be ourselves around and not have to set up guards with? Generally... it is our family and each other. So our parties are a very odd mix of letting loose and keeping things in check. (Coincidentally this is why I love hanging out with these people!)
#4 - It doesn't matter how well you can take care of other people if you can't take care of yourself. Thus, what you assumed would be 4 years of study about others and the church is strangely starting out to be a lesson in self-care. This is one of the hardest lessons to learn. I've come SO far since graduating college though. I'm at a much healthier place mentally and physically (or I'm on my way to a really good place, however that sits in relation to my younger years). Sibling and I are doing this amazing calorie logging program on LIVESTRONG.COM website called The Daily Plate. We both love it.
#5 - (Speaking of sibling,) you will always be missing someone. This isn't just seminary - this is life. I am in a fairly constant state of missing people. Most of the time, it is easy to just pull out a few people at a time in a manageable way. Sometimes (like last weekend), I was quite homesick for the people that I call home. Those are the times when I really hate Chicago. It isn't in TN in the slightest.
#6 - The blessings are great. I have this plaque thing I got when we moved Gram into her new place. I asked her if I could have it and she encouraged me to take it. It says: "Lord grant me the patience to endure my blessings. Amen." I adore it and it makes me smile everytime I look at it. Mostly because it is true. I have so many blessings. Not only in the people that surround me in this community, but for the opportunity to study, to be in Chicago, to be a person who is both intelligent and sensitive to those around me, and for the heart I've been given that makes room for new friends and experiences daily. I am very blessed.
Anywho, I am sorry for my slim posting. I've been in this odd contemplative mindset on top of being very busy with all that school nonsense. Endless amounts of reading and reflecting on the reading... etc. But as always, thanks for reading and leave a comment to let me know you are still stopping by. :)
Saturday, February 21, 2009
On San Francisco!
San Francisco was a blast. I posted a few pictures for you but I have barely had a minute to gather my thoughts to present them to you. I spent yesterday and the morning before doing catch up things. Laundry. Cleaning the room. Showering. Ya know, necessary things. Haha.
My friend David came out to join us when we went to Foley's Irish Pub and the piano bar underneath. We were serenaded there by a transvestite who enjoyed doing the high and low parts. We went downstairs and had a blast at the piano bar. I loved it!! It might be MORE fun than karaoke!!
Friday, which was Corinna's birthday, we got up and rode the cable car to Fisherman's Wharf, ate lunch at Pier 39, and took the ferry to Alcatraz. Coming back from that, we got caught in a downpour. WHAT a downpour. We were frozen! So we went home to curl up in bed and to recharge our batteries (literally, too - both our cameras were dead). Then we decided we didn't want to go trek through chinatown in the rain - we wanted to go to a chick flick! So we went across the street (our hotel was in a PERFECT spot!) to the mall, ate at the fabulous food court (all local foods - japanese, korean, chinese, american organic, a bakery, and a thai place!), and went to see Confessions of a Shopaholic. The movie was adorable. I enjoyed it!
One of the notes my head made while at the theater and the mall nearby, was that I really am not trendy at all. I like to think that I'm an okay dresser. Seeing them? I really am not. They all had the skiny darkwash jeans and the boots and the hair with the puff in the middle clipped back neatly. I felt like a fashion failure. But when I started to think, "I'm not like that at all...." I realized "I'm not like that at all!!!!" I got happy. I got over not being a fabulous dresser - I spend my time elsewhere. :)
So Saturday, we went to Castro and had breakfast with our admin's sons that lived there. This was the fabulous gay section of town (heard of Harvey Milk? That's the place!). We went from there to Haight Asbury and got Corinna a tattoo! I got a fabulous pair of tiger's eye star earrings and we had a snack at a bakery cafe there. So much fun to be in the hippie section of town. That's a place that would be fun to live. You can walk everywhere! Wear whatever you want (in sharp contrast to the shopping district.... wow!).
Then we went home to recharge again and went back out for the 6pm pillow fight near the Ferry building. Then we made our way back up to some seafood and then Ghiradelli square and back home again by cable car!
We had a miserable trip home Sunday. Our flight got in 5:35am and I got back to the apartment about 7:15am. That pretty much killed my week. Haha.
So I'm catching up. Pictures from the trip are up on facebook. Check em out!
My friend David came out to join us when we went to Foley's Irish Pub and the piano bar underneath. We were serenaded there by a transvestite who enjoyed doing the high and low parts. We went downstairs and had a blast at the piano bar. I loved it!! It might be MORE fun than karaoke!!
Friday, which was Corinna's birthday, we got up and rode the cable car to Fisherman's Wharf, ate lunch at Pier 39, and took the ferry to Alcatraz. Coming back from that, we got caught in a downpour. WHAT a downpour. We were frozen! So we went home to curl up in bed and to recharge our batteries (literally, too - both our cameras were dead). Then we decided we didn't want to go trek through chinatown in the rain - we wanted to go to a chick flick! So we went across the street (our hotel was in a PERFECT spot!) to the mall, ate at the fabulous food court (all local foods - japanese, korean, chinese, american organic, a bakery, and a thai place!), and went to see Confessions of a Shopaholic. The movie was adorable. I enjoyed it!
One of the notes my head made while at the theater and the mall nearby, was that I really am not trendy at all. I like to think that I'm an okay dresser. Seeing them? I really am not. They all had the skiny darkwash jeans and the boots and the hair with the puff in the middle clipped back neatly. I felt like a fashion failure. But when I started to think, "I'm not like that at all...." I realized "I'm not like that at all!!!!" I got happy. I got over not being a fabulous dresser - I spend my time elsewhere. :)
So Saturday, we went to Castro and had breakfast with our admin's sons that lived there. This was the fabulous gay section of town (heard of Harvey Milk? That's the place!). We went from there to Haight Asbury and got Corinna a tattoo! I got a fabulous pair of tiger's eye star earrings and we had a snack at a bakery cafe there. So much fun to be in the hippie section of town. That's a place that would be fun to live. You can walk everywhere! Wear whatever you want (in sharp contrast to the shopping district.... wow!).
Then we went home to recharge again and went back out for the 6pm pillow fight near the Ferry building. Then we made our way back up to some seafood and then Ghiradelli square and back home again by cable car!
We had a miserable trip home Sunday. Our flight got in 5:35am and I got back to the apartment about 7:15am. That pretty much killed my week. Haha.
So I'm catching up. Pictures from the trip are up on facebook. Check em out!
On West
I was upset when I heard I missed Cornel West preach at St. Sabina two weeks ago. So I found the audio to it. I'm going to take a few minutes out of reading about "A Black Pastoral Theology" and listen to the man who speaks truth about it in a much more present and real way than a book can (written in 2003...).
Listen with me: http://mirroronamerica.blogspot.com/2009/02/dr-cornel-west-unplugged.html
p.s. If you don't want to listen to the Cornel West clip, here's a quote from his sermon: "I'm just trying to love my crooked neighbor with my crooked heart." See why I love him?
And in talking about MLK and Obama, West says "Martin Luther (King Jr) wanted us to be lovestruck - not colorblind!" In otherwords, it isn't about NOT seeing color - it's about LOVING deeper. Hello! Don't erase someone's color in the effort to be colorblind - it won't work! Everyone has background and culture and skin color. The point is (and MLK made it a while ago), we aim to be a society that doesn't judge based on the color of skin, but on CHARACTER.
*Sigh* Cornel West makes me happy.
Listen with me: http://mirroronamerica.blogspot.com/2009/02/dr-cornel-west-unplugged.html
p.s. If you don't want to listen to the Cornel West clip, here's a quote from his sermon: "I'm just trying to love my crooked neighbor with my crooked heart." See why I love him?
And in talking about MLK and Obama, West says "Martin Luther (King Jr) wanted us to be lovestruck - not colorblind!" In otherwords, it isn't about NOT seeing color - it's about LOVING deeper. Hello! Don't erase someone's color in the effort to be colorblind - it won't work! Everyone has background and culture and skin color. The point is (and MLK made it a while ago), we aim to be a society that doesn't judge based on the color of skin, but on CHARACTER.
*Sigh* Cornel West makes me happy.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Leaving reality behind is the best and worst part of a vacation....
Do you ever notice that you have to get more stressed out to go on a vacation? I hate that...
I've got 20 million things to do tomorrow. Some I want to do, others I have to do, and other things I should do. Then I am already NOT doing other things. So... this better be worth it!!!! I'm still a little shocked I'm going to be in California tomorrow. Okay, I'm very shocked. I never do these spontaneous little trips. That and the fact that I'm generally a poor college kid doesn't really help my anxiety about the trip.
I know what you are saying in your heads - "relax! Don't worry about! Just go and have a great time!" But that's my general stance and I think that's why I'm so anxious. I have been so focused on everything else this week, knowing that I had this to look forward to (and plan ahead for) that I've neglected to let my head prepare for it.
I'm sure something else should be said about trips also being exactly when you need them to be? Well for once, this would have been an amazing weekend to chill here and breathe. Ah, well. I have time to snap out of it on the 4+ hour plan ride. Oh that reminds me... I need to pack a book and some sudokus!
Have a great weekend. I'll catch you next week. :)
I've got 20 million things to do tomorrow. Some I want to do, others I have to do, and other things I should do. Then I am already NOT doing other things. So... this better be worth it!!!! I'm still a little shocked I'm going to be in California tomorrow. Okay, I'm very shocked. I never do these spontaneous little trips. That and the fact that I'm generally a poor college kid doesn't really help my anxiety about the trip.
I know what you are saying in your heads - "relax! Don't worry about! Just go and have a great time!" But that's my general stance and I think that's why I'm so anxious. I have been so focused on everything else this week, knowing that I had this to look forward to (and plan ahead for) that I've neglected to let my head prepare for it.
I'm sure something else should be said about trips also being exactly when you need them to be? Well for once, this would have been an amazing weekend to chill here and breathe. Ah, well. I have time to snap out of it on the 4+ hour plan ride. Oh that reminds me... I need to pack a book and some sudokus!
Have a great weekend. I'll catch you next week. :)
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