Internet is not RED, it is wireless goodness

And finally I taste the joy of having internet in my bedroom (and not across the street, 3 floors up in a scary computer lab). You can expect more frequent blogging from this time forward. And also because I now have school work 24/7 that I will be choosing to avoid as much as is humanly possible. What would you think of a pastor who slid by with C's and D's in seminary?? Kind of like the doctor who was the bottom of his class and is operating on your kid, eh? Right... guess I better go study some of those Greek vocab words, then, eh? So glad I took a semester of this stuff already in undergrad. Of course... we'll be breezing by all that intro Greek stuff at an alarming speed. So by the end of next week I'll be floundering. Lol. Wish me luck!

Rain is not RED, it is... clearish?

It is a rainy and drizzly day here in Chicago. I LOVE IT!

So my funny story is that I was fuddling with my umbrella at the front door of my apartment building... and I look up to see a pack of 20 guys, around my age, mostly topless, running in a large group down the middle of the street. IN THE RAIN.

Yeah.

I love Chicago.

I'm done with my first week of class. I have so much work to do but I feel so ready to do it. Of course, not at the moment because I am currently blogging... but you get the point. I have forgotten the last time my mind, heart, and soul were so stimulated all at the same time. How incredible it is to be here. I think it is partly the faculty and administration that make it the place it is... but also just being in the heart of a big city. Try to stay all safe in the classroom and ignore the world outside the seminary doors. Just try. It is impossible. I've seen people walk past the windows of the chapel during service. We cannot forget that God put us here for other people. We aren't a little theological bubble that builds itself up and up until we find ourselves feeling far above the world. Jesus called us to be losers and to walk with the weary and weep with the weeping. A girl did an amazing sermon about that today in chapel. How I wish I could simply record these things for all of you and share.

Well, you'll just have to visit me. ;)

Baby boys and grandpas are not RED, boys are traditionally BLUE!

That's my newest baby. That there sirs is the fabulous little 'tank' himself: Tyce Joseph.

Yessireebob, he is precious!

Was so nice to be at my surrogate home this weekend. Though I've found, it is funny the things that make me sentimental. I have been reflecting a lot lately on this new baby and my late grandfather.

I'll admit that I cried a little this weekend. I think it was a series of things, however that did it. It wasn't only driving away from my grandma's empty apartment. It wasn't only that she wasn't there. It wasn't only that she might never get to live in that apartment again. It wasn't even her friends out in the 'living room' asking after their dear friend. It wasn't even that she didn't have Papa there to support her.

See, I had made up my mind that I was going to find my grandparent's grocery store and get some 'Walnut' cheese (the place it is from is 'Walnut'... it isn't made with walnuts). And then I remembered that my mom loves their cake doughnut holes. So I figured I would stop in and grab those two things before heading back to Chicago.

I did stop by once I found it. Grabbed both items. Then it hit me. It was the weekend's stress, yes. But more than that, that particular grocery store was the location (I just accidently mistyped "love") of one of my last memories of my papa. I had just begun driving and he and agreed that I should drive us to the grocery store (and I must tell you, groceries were also important to him). He died later that year. He is also the "Joseph" that Tyce borrows his middle name from. So I am already very sentimental after having spent the weekend with family... with getting a new family addition... with seeing my grandma in a nursing home... with missing my papa... and then with having to do this all without my mother around. I cracked. I admit it. I wasn't sobbing or anything - I had to drive. But I was certainly again surrounded with the feeling or notion that family will always be HUGE in my life. Also, too, it is hard to be away from them. I mean away in all the varying senses of the word, too. I am here on my own (yes, with God).

Thankfully this melancholy did not last long. My old coffee shop manager called and we chatted for 25 minutes as I drove back to Chicago (eating my delicious walnut cheese, btw). So I guess I must continue to 'Praise God from whom all blessings flow.' I am so happy to have had Papa in my life, to have Grandma still, and to accept our newest bundle of love, Tyce Joseph. Thanks to my beautiful and wonderful family who makes each moment special in their own way with either words of encouragement, individual stories, memories, or sometimes, the quiet. I am truly blessed.

Labor Day is Red... and Blue and White!

p.s. Happy Labor Day!!


Okay. I'll go ahead and post the piece about home. Unedited. Let me know what you catch.

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On finding home - - 8-29-08

I don't know about the rest of you, but I have always struggled with the idea of home. Is it a place? A house that turns into a home in time? Perhaps it is meant to be some place that you are supposed to carry inside of you? Or perhaps it is another name for that mystical place above the clouds we think we go to when we die?

Though, to me, it seems cruel that we find home at some points in our lives and then not in others. More recently, I have begun to realize that home is entirely other and indescribable. In one of my favorite movies, Garden State, they are discussing the idea of home. Largeman says, “You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know... I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.” I can sympathize so much with that; home is an imaginary place.

Who hasn't been back to a house they once called home and found it void of that sentiment? The trees are different. The front door is a different color. But more than that. Different people live there. That's not your mother, father, sister, brother, or dog running around. That's not your home.

And for everyone at LSTC, we have not always considered this place our home. We have not always considered Hyde Park, Chicago, Illinois, or the United States our home. But here we are.

As my best friend phrased it best when he wrote in his goodbye note to me, “Go make a home of all the hearts waiting for you in Chicago.” This is because we realized that home is not a building or a house or any real location you can put a push pin in on a big map. Home is the people around you.

That childhood house was home because you found family there. You played with your friends there. Your aunts and uncles came to visit you there. It was home because of the people in the house.

So in the past year, my best friend and I decided to make people our home. Not just anyone, of course. But people that get you. People that understand some small part of who you are as a human being. People that surround you and support you and celebrate you for all that you are and hope to be. People that notice the small changes in you whether you did or not. People that share their story with you and let you invest in who they are. People we find peace in.

So I guess all I have to really say is, I hope you find home here. I hope you find home in your community. I hope you find home when you go off into the world to start your ministry. And to steal the words of my best friend once again, “I hope you find home in all the hearts waiting for you.”

babies are not RED, unless there is something wrong

I just woke up after having some very vivid dreams. A mix of homes. A slew of new friends from Chicago were in the dream and we were playing some intricate card game where there were only two colors and you traded things and played in pairs... anyway. We started off in one apartment where two guys and a girl lived. And then when we went outside, we were in Chattanooga. Chicago friends... in Chattanooga. Very odd.

So this is Labor day and I am so thankful that at least some of the country has a break. I enjoy long weekends because that means I get to go visit family. It is still odd, of course, because I don't have my mother here. Maybe that's what is so odd about moving. You have certain pieces of your life that are familiar but then gaping holes in other places. Some of the STUFF is the same. Maybe even some of the PEOPLE are the same. But that's it. You go on with what you've got and make the unfamiliar the newly familiar.

I'll have to share with you the little piece about home that I wrote for the school journal thingy. I haven't submitted it yet. But I wrote it about the idea of home that we all have. So I guess that the theme is still on my heart. That and my cousins just got to bring their new baby boy home Saturday. And I cannot help but celebrate the fact that the baby does get to come home. My cousin gets to come home.

I have just been surrounded with stories about babies that stay in the hospital for weeks or months or who simply never get to come home. My friend L and I were talking about how we didn't fully realize the blessing that Abi is. She's healthy and happy. L was telling me about two babies she knew that were still sick in the hospital (one with brain damage). My Aunt was telling me about a little girl at her church that was born in January and has all kinds of heart trouble. And Songs From The High Chair linked me to a very sad blog about a baby boy names James who died last week after battling diabetes (and other things). I'm just so completely grateful that I get to be around these wonderful healthy babies that have been born this year. First beautiful Ila, then my cousin's little boy Declan, then my Abi girl, and finally sweet baby Tyce is here. Thank you God because they are all healthy.

Politics can be RED, but who really cares?

Watched the speech last night. Did you?

Our campus shares a neighborhood with Obama's house. Of course he hasn't been here for a while, but you can go by his house. Around the corner. Just over there.

So I was watching last night. Thinking how very blessed I am with the timing of my life. I come to Chicago a week before Obama's acceptance speech. I come to a campus open to a community of color, of women, and of GLBTQ. There's a hymn that goes, "All are welcome... all are welcome in this place." They mean the church. But it isn't often true.

I'm so glad to be at a place where acceptance is not merely a lofty goal for the next generation, but is a rule for today. No one said it would be easy, but we are doing our best to act like Christ. Who'd he hang out with? Yeah...

Anyway, I am glad to be in a diverse community at the same time that a man of color and a woman run for the office of president. What's even better? Though I know he is only human and that he will not be able to achieve all of his goals, his vision is one we can all lay claim to. We can all be a part of it. I'm not going around chanting "yes we can" or anything. But I am really, really excited that he might be president.

Oh, I actually clapped at one point in Obama's speech last night. I think this is one of the most beautiful things he said about his grand plan for CHANGE:

"One of the things that we have to change in our politics is the idea that people cannot disagree without challenging each other's character and each other's patriotism. The times are too serious, the stakes are too high..."

AMEN.

Jump on board. Otherwise, you will most certainly miss the boat.

I loved what one of my professors said about the upcoming election. Basically, we have a lot of work to do. We have a lot of work to do if McCain wins... and we have a lot of work to do if Obama wins, too.

I'm so glad I get to be here... NOW.

The lake is not RED, it is BLUE!

I have 4 full days of activity crowded in my head and I'm not even sure where to begin sharing. What do you all want to know? I guess I will start with a picture of me and J. It is proof that I really am here...


That's us at "the point" here in Chicago. Yes folks, that's the Chicago city skyline in the background and the lake. Of course... I still feel like I am on vacation. I'm waiting to hit the two week point when I am ready to see my family and all my people back in TN.

Anywho, one of the days of our orientation, we learned a lesson on community. We were split up into groups and sent forth from the school towards the outer reaches of Hyde Park. We call it a bubble. So we stayed in the bubble, but we explored! Our group was sent towards Woodlawn. We stopped in at the Woodlawn Community center and spoke with a woman there about the community and everything they are doing to make it a better place to be. I can't help but say that I love this place. Here's the rest of the group at the point, as well. We did a lot of walking. Lol. Yay! I loved the view. Love that a city has a view like that. Who doesn't love this place? So what else....

We had a welcome / welcome back party with snacks, wine, a keg, DDR, pool, and lots of conversation the other night. S&DW liked to call this the "Welcome to Jesus School Kegger" which I find hilarious. Of course, one of my friends here corrected them, "No, it was a welcome to LUTHERAN school kegger."

BTW, S&DW live two blocks away. Two people all the way from Chattanooga... to this big ole city. And they ended up two blocks away. Don't think I'm not giddy with the fact that I have friends who knew me when so close. Even better? They get along with my seminary friends. Yay!

In other news, I have registered for my classes. Pentateuch and Wisdom, Biblical Greek, Church History 1, and Church and Society. I can't wait!!

I feel like this post is so disjointed. I am checking email, facebook, lstcnet, lstcemail, other blogs, and notes at the same time. My head it quite full of information and endless to do lists.

...and I couldn't be happier.

More later when my head is cleared. I'm heading out of the city to go see my new baby cousin once removed. At least I think that's what I have to say. Basically, he's just baby Tyce. I can't wait to meet him!

Calls to seminary are not RED, they are very CLEAR

The day was magical. Mostly in that it started out as a terrifying battle within myself and ended with a very confirming and reassuring voice in my head telling me this was exactly where I needed to be. The conversation in my head this morning generally went like this:

“Go talk to that person over there!!”
“NO!”
“Come on, they look nice!”
“NO! They look scary.”
“No they don't. Go say hello!”
“NO! Yay, they left the area.”
“Okay, how about that guy??!?”
“NO!”

Sometimes I would say yes and go say hi. Some of that introduction stuff was forced on me. Which is good. In a terrifying, please can we get this over with, kind of way.

I tagged along on Niveen's heels for the first part of the day and gradually made my way into new circles. Yay for the blanket acceptance of first day awkwardness. There was definitely a good share of, “Oh hi, I haven't met you yet!” Which made it easy to then start the classic questions of where everyone was from and how they made it here (which includes call stories and chicago stories).

I really, really felt okay after dinner when we broke into smaller groups (thank GOD) and began to share the real stories. Not the little 60 seconds blurbs that are supposed to sum up who we are, but the ones where the fear comes out and the miracle of the call comes across. Incredible to hear how alike we are in certain ways and how different we are in others. But these differences amongst us are also blessings. One person has a “deficiency” in singing... but another person is blessed with that very gift. One person believes he will struggle with his spirituality even though the intellectual side of theological study is tucked securely beneath his belt. This, of course, perfectly balances out the guy that says he has been walking a strongly spiritual journey and is a little afraid that the theology will stump him. Or take my fear of the big city and pair it with a girl who says she's so happy to be BACK in the city and loves every inch of it. It is beautiful to see how each of our weaknesses and fears are met so completely by another person's gift or joy in something.

I am home.

And to top it all? After church tonight, as we were all considering heading toward home, a group decided to gather at the bar for drinks. Yup. A group (and a large one at that – at least 20) of us took to the streets destined for the bar that Paul Tillich spent a good bit of time in. It's a famous place. It's also less than a block from the front door of our seminary. So we order a round (I got a Fat Tire on tap) and go into the next room to fill it with conversation and laughter. Here I was wondering if anyone else in seminary would even drink. Ha. Lutherans are essentially German. Why did I doubt?

Ok, you know me. I was afraid I would be all alone here. Not physically. Not in a city filled to the brim with people. But alone in the scary sense that wants to say no one will ever understand who you are. So of course I was curious if this new place would “get me” or if it would continue to be a place of confusion and turmoil. Blu, you were right. Satan likes to talk smack.

Lesson learned tonight: God won.

Lesson I keep having to relearn (over and over and over...): God always will.

Snow is not RED, but I'm looking forward to it all the same

Okay. Maybe I'm just a complete idiot. But I did NOT expect it to be in the 80's here. Not on my move in day on Wednesday nor in the few days that I've been here. I also did not expect to be living in a third floor apartment without air conditioning. IT IS SO HOT!!!!

Perhaps this is God saying that I need to soak up all the heat I can now?? Who knows. What I DO know is that it is really disgustingly hot in my apartment.

Which is exactly why I'm in the nice air conditioned computer lab of my school. Thanks be to God for air conditioning and for my roommate who showed me where this place was.

And while we're on the blessings part of the post, thanks be to God for my mother. She was incredibly patient with me as I have been adjusting to my surroundings. She let me vent about the walls and doors that have been painted 80 times in that scary bright white color of most campus living spaces, about the stairs going up to the apartment that are crooked, creak, and are stained, and about the apartment that just doesn't feel like home yet. All the while trying to deal with the fact that her baby was now an 11 hour drive away from her in the big city.

It has been hard. I can't lie and say it has been fabulous so far. I'm not sure what I expected. ''Hey God, I'm here. Now why isn't it all perfect?''

Maybe I really am an idiot. I think, in some ways, I was mentally and emotionally prepared for the transition. But I wasn't physically prepared. I wasn't prepared for the heat, the hard bed, the constant walking (though I'm really excited about that), the dirt on the streets when you do walk in flip flops (ahh!!!), and the frustration with trying to set up a home and being limited by funding, your roommate with allergies (carpets aren't good for people with dust allergies - I've got slight allergies to it, too, though), and the setup of your tiny bedroom. There's space. There is. I just can't make the most of it.

So I'm foiled by my frustration. And the heat.

But there have been those moments of joy that cause me to continue to believe.

*My incredibly gracious roommate who is eager to welcome me to a place she hardly knows herself. She's from Palestine and is living in the US for the first time. She's here to get her PHD in Old Testament. We are trying to make our little apartment and this big city our home.
*Welcome wagon - Okay, there wasn't a wagon. But there were 6 people ringing my doorbell and handing me an IKEA blue bag with maps and things inside. We chatted. Josh, John, Meagan, Ingrid, Issac, Manda. At least I think. I've got to work on this memorizing names thing...
*Karen, my godmother. She lives 45 minutes away. In the burbs. With shopping I'm familiar with. And comfy beds. And home cooked meals. Mom and I spent the night there seeing as I only have one bed and it is hotter than Satan's armpit in my apartment. I was also experiencing sensory overload and had to get out of the city.
*Henry, my wonderful fabulous little car.
*S and W, two friends from college who live three blocks away. And speaking of, I've got to get going. I'm heading over there to watch Harry Potter and have dinner.

Thanks for your prayers and phone calls. You are all muchly muchly missed.

Corn and Soy Bean Fields are not RED, right now they are GREEN

(picture is of my grandmother and my aunt's cat back in November 2007)

May 23rd, 2008: My grandma goes in for surgery to help her spinal stenosis. Surgery was a success but she was fed too many drugs and stopped breathing. She coded.

May 24th, 2008: Grandma is stable. Not out of danger yet as she has tubes coming and going and the threat of pneumonia looming. I go into the coffee shop @ 7AM after closing the night before and sleeping little. My best friend calls and says her water broke! Baby is on the way. We are short staffed at work and leaving early is an impossibility. So I've got a long stress-filled shift at work, a grandma in the hospital that I can't gather enough information on, and a best friend beginning labor without me.

I began thinking about the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Was I to celebrate new life while grieving the loss of a beloved grandma?

Today, August 20th, 2008: Grandma is sitting up in a wheelchair moving herself about the room and chatting with her roommate about the birds that live at the nursing home. She squeezes my hand and asks when we are headed back to TN. :)

Okay, so she's not 100% on the memory recall and she's still in a wheelchair and not able to stand up for more than 5 minutes. But she's alive... and in the words of State Radio, "Every now and then she'll squeeze my hand."

Baby Abigail is also using her hands to reach out for things and hold on. Alive and alert and sending me beautiful smiles through the wonderful miracle of picture phones (okay, L helps considerably in taking pictures and sending them to my phone...).

What's even better? I think Abi has grandma's mouth. I thought it the first hour I saw her little face. Perhaps it was the fact that grandma was on my mind when I first met Abi. Regardless... it seems that at this point in my life, the Lord giveth....