therapy is colorless, like rain

p.s. I adore my new counselor. I'd pay her millions. If I had millions... The hardest thing she's asked me to do, my "homework" for the week, is to listen to whatever that running tape in my head says. The little comments that you tell yourself that might be negative that you don't say out loud. Generally reprimanding yourself for being stupid, ugly, etc. It has been quite a ball, let me tell you. What's hilarious so far? I don't have commentary; I have a running tape of LOOKS from people. Looks that SAY, "You are ridiculous" or what have you. Interesting. V. interesting.

This weekend was red, MEAN RED

This past weekend has been a week all on its own. Today I started to say "last week" and realized that it was indeed less than 48 hours ago. Sad. So sad. But there was junk food and good friends and way too much time spent at work (which both added to and reduced the stress this weekend - based on who I was working with and the crankiness of my customers). God bless DQ which has now returned to Hamilton Place. Chicken fingers, fries, random halves of bread, and delicious blizzards. *Sigh* It feels so good to be so bad.

In other news... I have been nominated for a grant worth $2500, renewable for two extra years. That'd be a total of $7500. I'm excited. Again, there is the task of getting past the paper work for it, but my school seems excited to work through the process with me. God bless them. I think they're more excited right now than my synod is. I feel like a hassle to them instead of a blessing. Speaking of... my big bad interview to complete my "candidacy process" is this weekend. Saturday 9am. SEND PRAYER. I don't know why I'm freaking out about it. I'm hauling two of my best friends with me to the great ATL on Friday night. Why worry? Right?

It is just the unknown. The what-can-go-wrong worry. Does the unknown freak anyone else out? Stupid question, sorry. Of course it does. That's why we adore Death Cab's song about the dark. "If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark." I heard Ben Gibbard talking about that song once. Perhaps it was on the intro to his itunes original stuff? Regardless, he said that he knows just as much about the afterlife as the pope does. I chuckled. My brother chuckled. Then we fell more in love with that song.

On a side note, I never realize how much I need or miss people until I can't reach them. Until I don't see them for days, weeks, or (sadly) months. I'm trying to contain the compulsion to shut down and start saying goodbye 3 months early. But I feel myself doing it. I'm already starting to say goodbye. So here's a public apology for saying goodbye too soon. I'm just trying to take it all as it comes. There are just some weekends when it all hits at once. ;)

Trivial Pursuit isn't red, it doesn't even have a red piece (I promise it is orange)!

I'm giving up on trivial pursuits. No, not the board game (which, ironically, I am also quite terrible at). Let us define the terms and then discuss.

TRIVIAL: of very little importance or value; insignificant, common, ordinary

PURSUIT: any occupation, pastime, or the like, in which a person is engaged regularly or customarily (synonyms - chase, inclination)

And now we combine. What are trivial pursuits? Insignificant inclinations. Ways to pass the time that have little importance. So why, then, pursue? Why chase? This is my point.

If you have known me for five minutes, you know that I am a hopeless romantic. This tends to get me into trouble when it comes to the fellows. My friends and I have decided that we fall for the potential in guys. I admit this is terrible and is most likely just a euphemism for "fixing" our boyfriends. Let someone else post on that. What I'm saying is, I basically always have my eye on a guy. I am hopeful. Then it doesn't work (whether the guy is interested or not rarely plays into it). I move on. This cycle has repeated more times than I'm comfortable with. And I'm done. Done. No more trivial pursuits. No more GAMES.

Want to know the cheesy part? I have to keep reminding myself that I'm worth being pursued. Right? Why do we all love Pride and Prejudice (of which I just saw performed at Lee University and quite enjoyed)? "You must permit me to tell you how ardently I love and admire you." HELLO! It helps that is generally a very dashing gentleman performing the line, namely Colin Firth, but it is the words. That doesn't happen in real life! We don't get the luxury of romantic gestures. But it is the being pursued that I'm talking about. "If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on." Alrighty. Try to resist Mr. Macfadyen saying that to you. Try.

So, world. Here's the question. Do I wait for romantic gestures? Do I wait to be pursued? Or do I wrap my head around a more practical, calm, simple version of love? Is it both?

Your turn to roll the dice -

Rednecks are RED, they are SO red

So I spent the morning helping a friend move into her new place. Of course there was some cleaning to do before the new furniture and such could be moved in. The best part where the things we found that had been left behind by the previous owners. One word: RANDOM. I really enjoyed the razor and soap left the in the shower (EW!), the Dale's Steak Sauce in a bottle on the grill (YUM!), and the Christmas decor left in the garage. I took a picture of one of the Christmas fixtures. Yes, there were four. It is so redneck that I just have to laugh. If you can't tell from the picture... it is a ball of Christmas twinkle lights... and stuck through the bottoms of clear plastic solo cups. I kid you not. This is homemade. Wow. I heart the south.

Therapy is whatever COLOR you see in the ink blots

So I'm finally seeking therapy... and I'm SO excited. I get to pay someone to listen to all of my STUFF (and save you some work, too! bonus!). I was joking last night at work, as we listened to Liz Wright, that I should just hand my new therapist a stack of song lyrics. "Here's me - in lyrical form. Enjoy." Something to add to the list:

"And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones."
-Decemberists

My Rachel friend just sent that my way. Isn't it magical? Of course, it is on my Hype Machine dashboard. So go listen. Enjoy. :)

David Gray is not red, he's blue

Well, I don't know if David Gray is BLUE per se... but I do know that his lyrics really hit the spot sometimes. So here's a post, a tribute to the man who has traveled with me (lyrically and musically) through every phase of my life.

"Tell the [...] stars above that you’re the one I love"

-The One I Love

"Some days i'm bursting at the seams with all my half

remembered dreams and then it shoots me down again"

-Ain't No Love

"This years love had better last. Heaven knows it's

high time. And I've been waiting on my own too long"

-This Years Love

"Someone tell me where did it go.

Darling I'm damned if I know"

-Lately

"From here you can almost see the sea. Just another fool in the line.
I dream of high clouds, flushed with the light of daybreak"

-From Here... the Sea

"Send a little prayer out to ya

‘cross the falling dark "

-The One I Love

"Feels like lightning

running through my veins

everytime I look at you"

-Please Forgive Me

"Ah but Caroline,

It seems like everytime

Honey all I get, is further away"

-Caroline

"All my words are falling short

and there's so much I want to say"

-Please Forgive Me

"Drag a salted kiss

from this cup of bliss,

watch a new lie twist on the breeze "

-Lately

"I got half a mind to scream out loud

I got half a mind to die"

-Please Forgive Me

"Praise the lord above

And sell sell sell"

-Sell, Sell, Sell

"Cause we're gonna need more

Than money and science

To see us through this world.

You say it can't be done

You'd rather die of fun."

-Forever Is Tomorrow Is Today

Grass is not red, grass is green!!

The moral of the story is: God made nap time. God invented day care. God made grandmothers.

Seriously, mothers of the world. How do you do it? When do you get things done? I had my girls for a few days. We've played. Shopped. Sipped some Starbucks. Made some cookies. Played out back. Fed the dog. Fed the fish. Watched the Barbie movie. Watched Little Einsteins. Watched some Sesame Street. Made a few messes. Danced. Giggled. Practiced our funny faces (see picture above...). I've crashed every night.

Day one at nap time - I napped.

Day two at nap time - I cleaned.

Day three at nap time - I packed. Then blogged.

Wait, that sounds wrong. I packed so they could go to their favorite place in the world... without me, tragically. The girls are going to grandma's!! God bless grandmothers. What a wonderful time nap time is. It helps that the cute lawn guy happened to start working right when the girls went to bed. No, he didn't want a cold beverage. Hey, at least I offered something, right?

In other news... wait. There is no other news. An update, perhaps?? My tattoo is healing nicely. Doesn't itch too bad which is lovely. I'm putting lotion on it and trying to avoid picking at it. I have to admit, it is fascinating watching it heal. I STILL LOVE IT! Okay, best get back upstairs before they stir...

Churches are not RED, they are stained glass colored

I happened to adore church this morning. I got a new girl in my Sunday school class and she was magical. Had insights into the scripture that I totally missed. You know when the routine of the day after day details starts getting you down? I was there. Granted, I've been better since I got back from DC, but I was down. I'm back!!!

Church moved me to tears - TWICE - today which is rare and magnificent. During the daily prayers at our church, we kneel. It took me some time to get used to that, but now I wouldn't trade it for anything. Nothing in your lap. No distractions. Just you and God. Well, today it was just me and God and these prayers going up from everyone around me and the prayers were beautifully scripted ("God, in addition to our offering, we give you our hopes, dreams, and prayers"). And I just had this overwhelming feeling - - "this is what I was made for." Praising God was the reason I was MADE. It was a pretty powerful little revelation and I've been so thoroughly content the rest of the day that I hardly know what to do with myself. So there's that...

The other time my eyes got wet was during the baptism. Random, right?! Does everyone else cry during baptisms? I certainly haven't before. Perhaps I shed a little water when my baby cousin got dedicated... but that's family. This little boy was just random adorableness and the words were the same as they'd always been. I just got so excited knowing that God had great plans for this tiny baby boy. It hit me - WHAM - like that. And I just started crying.

So.. in other news, my tattoo is still healing. It itches like crazy, flakes a little bit... and oozes a little bit of ink. Good times, yes. P.S. That's a picture I took in DC at a really creepy exhibit at the Hirshorn.

Tattoos are red, but not for long!

Well, I did it. Turn 23? Well, yes, I "did" that. It wasn't much work to live through the day though. No, what I DID... was get a tattoo. I only decided yesterday morning that I wanted to do it yesterday. It was my birthday... I had been talking about it for at least a year and a half... and I knew what I wanted. So I went. Set up the appointment with a tattooed, pierced, smiling individual at the local tatoo place that I've been driving past for five years. I sign away my life and walk out with an apt for later that day. YAY! And... I did it. I went back. We sketched it out. He got a little frustrated with me because he thought I was changing my mind (No, dear, I didn't say three STARS, I said a star with three flourishes...). We got it right after not too long, thank goodness. And so... a day later, here it is:

Yes, I love it. Yes, it hurt but not a lot. More like someone pinching me. Yes, I am taking care of it. Those are the questions I usually get. But if you want to ask another, feel free!!

I will hopefully come back and post more about the DC trip and more updates on my life. But this seemed the most pressing. And for those of you who read this, thanks for all the birthday wishes and songs. It means the world the be remembered.

Motorcades are not RED, they are BLACK and blurry

Kelly and I attempted to play the license game on the way to D.C. and back. Quite hard. I won't say impossible, because I am sure, if we put our minds to it, we would have found South Dakota, Hawaii, California, and other likely impossible to find states. That's the trouble with trips that take you up one coast. Silly country. But the 20+ hours in the car were made bearable because of the fabulous makers of Sour Patch Kids, Snyder's Pretzel Bits (we recommend Cheddar), and of course, Starbucks. The trip would not have otherwise been possible.

Stopped on the way home to see one of the newest babes in my social circle (there are three, all born within ONE week of each other - Declan, Ila, and Ruby). Pictures of Miss Ila Elizabeth are forthcoming, I assure you. Her parents are quite proud. I snapped a picture of them, too, don't fret.

In other news, we saw the motorcade TWICE while in D.C. yesterday. Yes, that's right. Twice. We are so cool. Well, we are cool without the motorcade, but we are even more amazing because it was completely unplanned. On our way to the Renwick gallery, traffic was stopped. As we looked, we saw. And then on our way to the Gallery of Art, we see them heading back. And let me tell you, those guys FLY. Not in the air, mind you. They certainly are booking it. I hear it is because they have to maintain a certain speed so the anyone aiming their way won't have a good shot. I say... go fast because you can. Why else would you be president?

So I had a ball in the nation's capital. Came back to a home cooked meal and big hugs from my girls. Mads is walking. Oh my goodness. No more tottering around. She is flying! (Much like the motorcade... hmm... I wonder if she has a future in politics?). She's reversing. Turning around. (Again, not unlike a politician.) Incredible. And then there's my Hannah girl who I missed to pieces. We celebrated my return by reading Velveteen Rabbit. That's our book. She even knows when I skip pages (I promise the page stuck!). The best line we read tonight: "When you are Real, shabbiness doesn't matter." What a beautiful lesson!! GO RABBIT! Well, I like him anyway.

Enough about the rabbit for now. Must unpack and all that deliciousness. Tomorrow I have some celebrating to do. #23 finds me surrounded by people that love me. God, I am so blessed.