Final Goodbye

"I'm changing all my strings, I'm gonna write another travelin' song about all the billion highways and the cities at the break of dawn." -Bright Eyes

Last night in Washington, IL. Emptying out a storage unit tomorrow to unload it all again in a new place in a new town to prepare for a new job. I'm tired of this moving stuff but this feels more permanent. More "me" than things have felt in a while. It feels good. Exciting. Scary. Real.

And with that, my friends, I bid you a final goodbye. Thanks for reading. Thanks for commenting. Thanks for journeying with me these past four years. Here's to the next chapter...

CALL

Drumroll....

I have been called to serve as an Associate Pastor in downtown Madison, WI for a one year term!!


Now my to do list begins...
Find an apartment.
Paint walls.
Get a kitty.


Oh and...
Move.
Find a doctor, therapist, and spiritual director. Schedule appointments.
Locate grocery store, hippie produce place, and target.
Acquire bus pass, gym membership, and update Netflix address.
Find local pub to become a regular at.

Sunsets

The fog is clearing.

I am applying to some jobs around town, coloring in some coloring books, loving on family and letting them love on me, holding Alpha's family in prayer as they grieve his recent death, grabbing some Oreos and breathing in and out. This is life. It goes on.

And as the fog clears, the future seems a bit brighter. I'm disappointed this position didn't work out. However, I get to go work at Starbucks again. Or work as a server! Or... whatever!! I get to hang out with family in IL. I get to bike and eat better and get myself healthier than I currently am. I get to do more genealogy and work on my green stole. This time is not wasted.

I will continue to see what life brings. "No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

Thanks for all the advice and encouragement. It means more than you know.

Advice

And as a follow up, some good words from one of my professors at the seminary.

http://craigasatterlee.blogspot.com/2012/05/god-is-in-control-fourteen-years-and.html

The Day

Yesterday was a difficult day. Over 24 hours of waiting for the phone to ring. I was going stir crazy and changing my mind about the church every other minute. Yes, I still wanted to work there. No, it wasn't the right fit. Yes. No. There were probably a few minutes in there where I was calm enough to NOT think about it but let's be honest, nothing is worse than waiting for the phone to ring. News from a doctor. A diagnosis. An interview. A result. A date. Well, you get the idea. It was a rough day.

And after waiting that long, I basically figured out that I did not have the job but I needed to KNOW. I started getting worried that something had happened at the church or to the pastor and that was delaying this phone call. I started worse-case-scenario-ing it.

I shopped. Bought a new camera as a promise to myself that more adventures were happening in my life that needed photographing. I got my favorite grilled cheese from Michael's and a chocolate and strawberry smoothie from Starbucks. After that, after locking myself in my room and cuddling into my pillow, I finally passed out.

Only to be woken by THE phone call. It was very nice. I had a great skills for ministry. I wasn't the right fit. Don't be discouraged.

My question the rest of the evening to myself and anyone I talked to was how to not be discouraged when this is my third failed interview. I get that this call process is difficult and that it is about matching up my skills with the needs of a congregation. I get that. It is still difficult to be, essentially, rejected three times. It's like dating. How do you keep putting your heart out there? When is it really about ME, not THEM. Or the situation. Or the fit. Or the timing??

I had some advice from my former supervisor about connecting with people during my interviews. About letting myself be myself, warts and all. We spent a lot of time talking about it on internship. So I take that advice and go forward. Onward. Wherever this road will take me.

The Universe is unfolding as it should.

As I wait, people are reminding me that God is at work. If not this church, then another, and likely better suited for me.

What came to mind was the line, "No doubt, the universe is unfolding as it should." It comes from this quote by Max Ehrmann and brings me comfort now.

“Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love – for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment is it perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you from misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.” 

Max Ehrmann


p.s. Bold bits are mine to show you which bits I like best. :)

Hyde Park and Goose Island

As strange as it is to be back in Hyde Park for a few days packing up the last remaining bits and pieces of my apartment and saying hellogoodbye to friends... it has been healing. This place, or rather, these people get me. I got to be myself in this space. I was loved for myself. AM LOVED for myself.

I couldn't think of any place better to process my interview than here. I grabbed a few beers at Goose Island last night with three friends who are all yet-to-be-ordained seminary friends. It is good to be amongst those who get what this crazy process is like. To get what it means to be un-ordianed but still doing ministry. To get what it is like to go interview at churches and simultaneously imagine yourself there and find it impossible to imagine that future.

I've spent the last four years... or maybe the last eight... thinking about where I would find a place for my first call. Driving through Wisconsin on the way to and from MT and then again to MN for a wedding August last year... I felt some stirring. Like I wouldn't mind ending up in Wisconsin of all places. Perhaps it was hearing my friend Sally talk about it. Or visiting her and my friend Carolyn. WI became a place where my heart felt safe and happy and curious.

So when it came time to fill in bubbles on a big document about where I wanted to go, the five synods in Wisconsin were clicked. And after hearing months later that I was in the South-Central synod of Wisconsin, my heart was rejoicing. I had a place!

Fast forward to 5 months later to my third church interview. This is after drifting around the globe for two months plus. After being "rejected" by two other churches. I felt like I had no place. At least all of my stuff now lived in a storage unit in central IL. But I was so nervous that I barely ate anything all day. My stomach was a mess. I couldn't form sentences. I was sending out prayer requests like no one's business.

The interview went well. Really well. I'd say most of the people liked me. Their questions were great. Their answers to my questions were great. I enjoyed my evening with them. Thanks for all your prayers and questions and for giving me time to process!!!

I'm looking forward to finding out Sunday. ;)

Ask me Monday

So that church I like? Interviewed last night. The pastor said I should feel confident in how it went. But my brain doesn't operate that way. Where my head is going?

OhmygodifIgetthejob..... I will have to work so hard and I don't even know exactly how to do the job I am about to be employed to do except that I can love people to the best of my ability and after all that is what is most important but what about those job specific things that I learned in seminary or was supposed to learn but what if I was sick that day and will I come across as a total fool who has no idea what she is doing and make them regret that they hired me.....

See that run on sentence? That's my brain right now. My brain on post-interview.

I will hear back from the church after Sunday. There were at least two other candidates. It is hard not to think of them and wonder if they too are feeling called to this place and this ministry. Are they better qualified? More interested? Married? Babies? Does that mean they should be the family and youth minister?

I apologize. I am rambling again.

And sometimes, well a lot of the last day, I just get too overwhelmed and I have to stop thinking about it. So for all of you who have asked me how it went and I didn't respond... I don't have a response yet. Ask me Sunday. Or Monday. Monday would be good.

Grieving Our Losses

It's odd when grieving happens. It bubbles up from things that you thought you had long since processed or recovered from.

I'm a home body. Homebody? I'm wicked attached to the place where I lay my head. It's my center. My place of refuge and place of recharging (yes, I'm a robot - don't tell).

In some vampire folktales, vampires have to carry with them a piece of soil from the land where they were turned or have to stay on that home soil for their entire long lives. Home matters. Their territorial about it, too.

So as I pack more boxes and prepare for my interview on Monday (PLEASE send prayer), I am actually weeping over the lose of home (plural? collective?). From the home that I had before my folks divorced to the various places I lived throughout college and seminary. I miss home.

My junk is spread out in so many places. I have a few things back in Chicago with my former roommate. The majority of my stuff is in my cousin's basement in IL. Some things from college and the old house are in my dad's basement here in TN. Some random bins of this and that and childhood things are in my mom's garage. I had about 15 boxes in my brother's attic until he added them to the collection at dad's last week.

Then I have my suitcases that I've been living out of for two months +.

I'm tired. I miss home. I want that job. I want a home. I want to paint walls. I want ALL of my things in one place. I want to store the suitcases up in a closet and recycle all those cardboard boxes. I want home again.

Rest and Water

I've spent the last week in Mississippi with seven youth from a church in New England. We were working outside on an historic house in Biloxi weeding, landscaping, planting bushes, cleaning up debris, scraping and painting siding, and fencing in an area for little kids to play in. Every hour or so the pastor or I would call out, "Take a break. Grab some water." We would sit on the front steps in the shade, drink down some water, and get back to work.

So perhaps that is why my brain is set on the connection between water and rest. And because I am who I am, I think about baptism. I've been kind of drifting these past two months, without a true center or home. I spent 25 days in Germany, a few weeks in TN, 4 days in FL for Sibling's wedding, and 10 days on this mission trip. No where is really home. I've been living out of a suitcase for two months and for me, while I enjoy the simple-ness of that, it is exhausting. I like having a center. I've always tried to shift away from making that a place, but we, as humans, are tied to places. I'll never understand a nomad lifestyle. If I roam, I like to come home.

So what about baptism, eh? I realized that at the very center of me is an identity that is unshakable. I am a baptized child of God no matter where I lay my head. No matter where I find home. No matter how restless my soul may feel in this in-between time.

For a time I said that I had "people homes." I reasoned that people I loved were my homes. While this is still somewhat true, I recognize that people do not always refresh me, I cannot always rely on them, and I still get lonely. This is especially true as I recognize that some of my best friends are getting married and need me less (and need to spend time on that special relationship), some are having babies and have less time for many things, and some are scattered across the country seeking their purpose in life. Telephone calls and Skype make things easier but it is never quite the same. And even then, I find myself listening a lot and caring for others instead of taking time to process how crazy life is for me right now.

I don't mean to complain. I have so many friends and family members who care so much about me. I have tons of places to stay with people who love me and often ask how I am. Genuinely. For this, I am so grateful. So lucky.

What I mean to say is that there is an unshakable, unchangeable, constancy in the depths of me. It is there... here in this ID as a child of God where I am finding new energy and peace. If this crazy summer of wandering has taught me nothing else, it has taught me this. I am okay on my own.